I’m Everything You Can’t Control…

~So its been a while…

and nothing exciting has really happened…

My roommate/best friend and I got into a fight about some stuff that I don’t agree with and yeah… we resolved it but i still feel like its in between us…

School has been keeping me busy, I mean really busy. I never thought 22 credits would be so bad, well i was very very wrong.  It has proven to be rather difficult and has proven to pretty much make me go insane. I say that in the best way possible, and we are half way through the semester and I don’t know how that ever happened. I just can’t believe it either.

Work has also been a bitch, but its retail so retail and the holiday season is a bitch, you get all the crabby needy customers exactly when you don’t want to deal with them. At least Black Friday is still a month away, I already know I have the 2:30 AM to 1:30 PM shift again this year… God will I be tired or what.  yup

On other news, I turn 21 in about a week and a half, and yes contrary to common belief, I will actually be going out for my birthday, well on the day after my birthday, because no matter what, school comes first to me and since its on a thursday we are going out on friday which is just ok with me, I can wait.  I’m pretty excited for it cuz i just need a night out and a good time, I’ve been so stressed and feeling alone that I think that I need this. I will finally be the center of attention for once and it will hopefully make me feel wanted…

I’ve been struggling with that lately, feeling wanted, I feel like I’m not and that I don’t mean anything to anyone and that I just want to not be here anymore. But I am trying so hard to overcome those feelings and get over my pathetic self, but you know what sometimes its just hard.  You want to feel important you want to feel like you have a purpose for being here, I just don’t ever feel like that. I mean someone can say something to me like I’m really glad to see you or something like that but i’ll still feel alone, and worthless… Is that right? I think not but that’s just the way it is. I’ve been trying to get over that but nothing i do has been able to change that…

It also doesn’t help that my brother is now engaged so there is a wedding in my future, I mean its a whole year away, Oct. 6 2012 but still, I’m also 99% sure that I will not be a bridesmaid and that I will have a hard time getting over that when she finally announces who is in the wedding party. Oh the joy of yet again being rejected by someone who I thought actually wanted me around, but then again people are always surprising me, and usually never in a good way.

I thought about Eric a lot today. A couple of things happened that made me think of him, and yeah I don’t think that is helping my thoughts/mood very much, I mean I’m over him and yes I still care but I never want to be with him again, but I just miss what we shared, I want that again, I want someone to think that I’m amazing, that I mean the world and that they would be worse off without me in their lives… and if i’m honest with myself i know that’s why i think about him as much as i do, cuz i miss everything he symbolized in my life, I mean really he is a big part of the reason why i’m still living to this day and why i didn’t try to kill myself four years ago. I also feel like i owe him something for doing what he did, but i will never get my chance to repay him and that bothers me, a lot…

Well I’m sure that there is some homework that I should be attending to, too bad I just don’t have any energy for it…

<3M