I Know It’s Already Over…

~So M and I broke up last week… Today would have marked 3 months… isn’t that pathetic, we didn’t even make it 3 months.  I knew we were going to have issues at 2 months, but I still expected us to make it a little farther. 

~So what it came down to was this, he wouldn’t open up to me and he didn’t really care about me.  So let’s tackle the first one.  M didn’t like to talk a lot. Well talk about personal things a lot.  He is by nature a quiet guy and I was breaking him out of his shell a little bit.  We could hold conversations about people we both knew or about things that didn’t really matter, but when it came down to talking about personal stuff, stuff that actually matters in a relationship, M just couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t maybe the more appropriate word is wouldn’t give up much information and he didn’t ask any from me either.  Anything personal he knew about me is because I told him about it openly.  He never asked me any questions about my beliefs, my values, my morals.  Now granted I’m an extremely open person so he should have already had an idea about them, but I still think that those are things that should be talked about early on in the relationship.  But no M didn’t care to ask and I don’t think he really cared what the answers to those questions were.  He was just happy that he had a girl that did all the work in the relationship so all he had to do was reap the benefits.  Which well, I obviously am not ok with that. The second matter, about not caring about me, is true.  We had a talk about where our relationship was going and in the negative direction it was heading about a week and a half before we broke up.  We (well really more I) let out all the things that we needed to work on.  The biggest of which was communication.  There were some days where we wouldn’t even text, and when we did talk it was always through texting.  He apparently hates talking on the phone, and you know I rolled with that for a while, but then we never talked about anything important over texting so our conversing got so impersonal and pathetic that I was actually happy the days he didn’t text me because then I didn’t have to try to come up with something to say to him, when we clearly had nothing important to talk about. So that day we talked M promised me that he was going to try harder to call and talk more in general and that he was going to try to work on some of the areas I needed him to work on if we were going to make this relationship work.  But guess what!!! He didn’t text me for 8 days.  More that pathetic.  He didn’t even care about me enough to send a hi how are you doing text.  And the more pathetic things is that he lied about wanting to try to communicate more.  Another pathetic point is that he was more than willing to drag out our relationship for the sake of the title, that he was in one.  To be honest we were in a "relationship" for probably about 6 weeks before I started pulling away and not really seeing him as much as I should have because in my eyes the relationship was pointless.  I should have ended it before the holidays, but I wanted to give him a chance but I always knew that it was already over way before that. 

~And in the end, who was the one that ended up getting hurt? ME! I put all the work into starting the relationship, I put all the work in trying to make it work, and I put in all the work to end it.  I just wasn’t enough for him to try for.  And honestly I know that I shouldn’t care because it was really my decision to end things, but I’m still hurting from this.  I don’t know why, all I’m saying is that I am still hurting.  I wish for the pain to stop.  For it to go away and just be a distant memory.  But instead it just lingers.  I don’t know if he had any feelings about the relationship, Gay Mike has told me that he did but I never say anything so I can’t judge one way or another.  I didn’t want to hurt him and in the end he ended up hurting me. 

~The thing that really sucks, is that I will see him again.  I know this, and I will not be prepared when it happens.  We have the same group of friends so I know I will see him somewhere down the line.  I can’t predict how I will feel.  If we will talk, or what I will say to him.  I could go two ways.  I could tell him how I really feel and bitch at him and accuse him of everything he is guilty of, or I won’t be able to talk to him at all.  Its going to be one or the other, no in between.  I don’t live life in the grey area, the in between, unfortunately I’m one extreme or the other.

~I know that with the passage of time, I’ll forget to care about all of this, but for the past week I’ve been harboring these feelings, these impulses to call him and scream at him and tell him how worthless he made me feel, but in the end I never have the energy to do these things.  I also know that its not worth getting him worked up, though I’m not sure he has enough emotion inside of him to get worked up.  And if that sounds bad I don’t care because its true.  But in the end I know none of this is worth it.  He was never worth it because I was never worth it to him.  I just feel so stupid that I tried so hard and got hurt, not broken, just hurt.  I should have just stayed away and kept doing what I was doing, but I decided to try something different.  I don’t know… I know that without risk that will never be any reward, but I’m still trying to decide if this risk was really worth it.  I don’t think that it was.

~The other thing I’ve been contemplating is if I can do long term relationships.  I have absolutely no experience in the matter.  M was my longest relationship well him and E tied but still 3 months that’s all I’ve got.  I mean I’ve only had 3 boyfriends and M was the first one since high school, so maybe I just haven’t had the right practice, but then again I’m used to having someone for a while and shortly thereafter it fizzles out and I find someone else.  Well that’s the way it had been lately for me.  I don’t necessarily want it that way, but that is what life has handed me so I just go with it.  And honestly it works for me seeing as I’m not ready to get married yet, and I haven’t met the right guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.  But it also gets old too.  Constantly spending time with people that in a little while won’t really matter to me anymore once we get bored with each o

ther.  Now don’t get me wrong I’ve met some really great people and have had some really amazing moments but that’s all they add up to.  Just Moments. 

~Moments can be really great when it comes to winning the super bowl or graduating college, but in relationships I feel that there can’t just be moments.  There has to be something more.  I don’t know how to describe it but I feel that there just needs to be more.  Maybe that’s just called life, and I’ve never experienced it to know, or maybe its called something else entirely and I just can’t think of the correct name for it.  Whatever it is, I need more.  In the end that’s what I think I’m searching for.  More continuous moments that make me feel alive, that make me feel loved, that make me feel worth living for.  And these moments happen all the time not sporadically.  I don’t know if I will ever find this or not, but its not going to stop me from looking.  What would life be without the journey of pushing through the trenches.   

~In the end, even though I knew that my relationship with M was already over, that doesn’t mean I’m not looking for the next one to being.  Be that with someone in a romantic sense or just adding a new friend, I’m ready for the next person to come into my life and the opportunity share more moments…