I Don’t Think I Need You Anymore…

~So life has been just a little crazy.  First some good news.  M and I are dating.  Exciting right?? I’ve really never done the dating thing and this is pretty new to me.  I’ve been so messed up by other guys that I’m not really sure what to expect, but I’m just trying to go with the flow and take things day by day.  To be honest, I’m not even sure what I exactly feel for M.  I mean I like spending time with him and he makes me happy and smile, but my heart doesn’t skip any beats when I see him or think about him, and I always thought that was necessary for it to be real.  There have been plenty of guys that have made my heart pound and pound but M has yet to do that… I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m unwilling to let my wall down yet.  I’ve been hurt way too many times and I just don’t want to get hurt again.  Getting hurt sucks and I know the feelings all too well… Not that M would hurt me, its just I’m not sure if I am willing to take the chance yet…

~So now that M and I are official, everyone wants to date me… Its really sad actually.  I’m not the type of girl that likes to play games.  I live in the black and white.  There isn’t a lot of gray in my life and I try very hard to keep it that way.  So by not knowing any of this until after the fact doesn’t really help anything.  So I talked to A today and he was upset that he found out about M and I on facebook.  Well to be honest I didn’t see the need in telling A.  He had made it rather clear that he didn’t want to date me and that wouldn’t be changing any time soon.  He had made it rather clear that he was going to be sleeping with other women behind my back and just not tell me about it cuz he wouldn’t be getting anything from me and you know what that was ok with me because we weren’t anything and in my mind we would never become anything… Well now to find out he was starting to think of trying something with me.  And now I feel like a B**** for I’m not exactly sure what but that’s how I feel.  I mean it wasn’t my fault that he led me to believe that we were never going to happen and it is his fault for not telling me how he felt, but honestly?? WTF? And this summer he was the only guy I was seeing.  I mean I hung out with people but not like that.  And he knew that.  It actually really pisses me off that I’m the one hurting other people even though he could of had me for the past 6 months!! And now that I’m not available he wants me… What gives?? I mean we would have never worked out anyways so I would have more than likely told him no right away so that I could spare him future hurt, but seriously?? 

~On another note my ex E told me last week that he was sorry for us being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  We were both always at the wrong place and wrong time.  When I wanted to be with him, he wasn’t available or willing to start a relationship, and now that he is finally ready I have let him go.  Its actually really sad if you ask me.  I know E and I could have made it for the long haul.  I care about him that much that I would have stuck with him, but at the time he didn’t care the same way about me.  And it sucks that I was again the one to hurt him.  This is not to say that he never hurt me along the way, but I still don’t like to be the cause of pain.  I much rather get hurt than cause the hurt. 

~Then there is A my other ex.  For the past year or so we reconnected and talked quite a bit and even shared a couple of fun nights together even though he has been seeing someone the whole time.  Which I’m not proud of but I can’t take back what I did.  Anyways, we were talking about a week and a half ago and he wanted to talk dirty and I just wasn’t having it.  So I finally tell him that he didn’t choose me.  Then he replies well who dumped who?  And I admitted and owned up to the fact that I dumped him all those years ago but he knows as well as anyone else out there that for the next three years I would have taken him back.  Despite having a little thing with my sister and all the other BS that happened.  I would have willingly let him back into my life.  I even prayed for it sometimes.  It never happened and now that I’ve again moved on he seems to want to start again, even though he’s engaged to the other woman.  I don’t understand.  I really don’t.  Nothing makes sense to me anymore.  I’m not that hard to find.  I’ve been single since I was 16.  That’s a really long time.  Any one of these people could of had me.  But they didn’t choose me.  Why is it that people always realize what they had once its gone?? I can’t say I’m not a victim of that same philosophy but really??? I don’t understand. 

~Another thing I’ve been dealing with is my friend AP and I aren’t really friends anymore.  I’ve just decided that I never really needed her in my life and I’m tired of her blaming me for things that aren’t my fault and things that I’ve never had any control over.  She has always been like this and I’ve always forgiven her for it and I have always been there for her no matter what.  And when I have really needed her, she has not returned the favor.  She has not been there for me when I was at my lowest points.  Never… So I have no use for this toxic friendship.  I was supposed to be her personal assistant in her wedding and now I’ve made the decision that I don’t even want to go.  She hasn’t actually told me that I am no longer invited but I have disinvited myself.  Its not worth the stress and the guilt that will ensue if I go.  Its just not.  So I’m not going.  I rather spend that day at work with my coworkers who actually like me and then go out with my friends who are there for me and love me and are there for me when I’m at my lowest.  So I’m saying good-bye once and for all…

~In other life events, nothing has really happened.  I’ve had enough to think about with all this.  Work is keeping me rather busy, and I am enjoying my free weekends now but I’m always tired.  I think that maybe I need a full rejuvenating weekend where I just don’t do anything.  Maybe I should use a vacation day and just do something for me.  I don’t know… The stress of everything is really getting to me.  I think I’ve been dealing with it rather well cons

idering how I usually deal with stress, but then again having this much stress in my life doesn’t really help anything.  So I guess we shall see what happens…