I Don’t Know What We Are Or What We’ll Ever Be…

~There are many of bad things out there in life, but I have to say one of the worst things in the world is loving someone who doesn’t love you back.  Loving someone who you get to watch day after day.  Someone who you are close to but they don’t know how you truely feel.  They don’t know that deep inside your falling apart because of these feelings you have that you can’t stop.  And every time you get close to telling them, you can’t do it.  Something stops you.  Maybe its the fear of how much your relationship will change, or how it wouldn’t change.  I’ve come to learn that you can only ask the questions that you are ready to hear the answers too… and I know that I’m not ready for the answer.  Not yet.  I got close.  I really did to asking the questions to finding my answers.  But ignorance is truely bliss in some circumstances.  I don’t know if I will ever get my answers.  And its painful to watch him, its painful to see him look at me with those eyes and not know what he’s thinking, feeling behind them.  We had a moment.  A moment that I had waited for, waited months for, waited pateintly for, one that I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get.  And now that we had that moment, I want to talk about it.  I was to aknoweldge that it happened and what we are going to do about it.  And I really wish that it was that easy.  But it is not.  So much stands in between me and him.  And I’m not sure if all those obstacles are passible or if I should even try passing them.  A part of me knows that we would never work out.  We are too different. We want different things in life.  But I can’t stop the feelings I have.  I have tried to stop them.  I have tried to distract myself with others.  Nothing has worked.  In the end I long to see him.  To talk to him.  To be in his presence.  I don’t know what we are or what we will ever be… and that hurts.  I don’t like the unknown most of the time.  Its so gray.  I like black and white.  But not gray.  I don’t like things I don’t understand and this I don’t understand.  I don’t like not knowing how he feels.  I honestly don’t think that he would tell me if I asked.  And he shouldn’t.  tell me.  So much rides on that, and its not worth losing everything that could be lost.  I’m not worth that.  Regardless I want to be worth that.  But then I care more about him and his needs, and right now his needs don’t include me.  I don’t know if they ever will.  I would like to think that maybe one day they would include me.  I want them to include me.  I don’t know how many times I have told him that I loved him.  A lot.  And each time I have said it, it has been true.  He’s even said it back to me on occasion, more than once, and that gives me momentary hope.  Hope that maybe somewhere inside, he really feels the same.  Our relationship has been so i don’t know how to describe it… different, special, unusal, from the state that maybe we are meant to be together.  To figure out whatever our relationship is.  Instead of just not dealing with it, letting it slide by each and every day.  Ignoring its ever present existance.  I know that in moments he feels it too.  Lurking over us when I get lost in his eyes.  I know he feels it.  But like I said, we can’t deal with it, not now, maybe not ever. 

~Another bad thing in life is loving someone who has walked away from you.  Rejected your love.  That has happened to me before.  It actually has happened to me a lot.  I’m afraid that if I have that converstaion with him that is what will happen.  He will walk away.  I don’t want him to ever walk away.  Ever.  But I don’t always get what I want.  I am sick of being rejected, walked away from.  Its not fair.  Watching them walk away.  Knowing that you were just a prop for a while.  Nothing too significant.  Just some entertainment for them until they found someone better.  I don’t know why I have never been good enough.  Why I am always the one that is left looking on while they prance off into the horizon.  But this is me. My life.  My choices.  Maybe I’m too weak.  Maybe that i why I don’t know where I stand.  Where we are going.  But to be honest, I’m not ready for that information.  You need time to decode that information, deal with it.  And time is something that is precious in my life.  Something that I have very little of.  But I struggle with the fact that I spend a lot of time thinking about the what ifs in this situation and if I just knew I could spend energy and time on actually dealing with the situation instead of wasting time envisioning thousands of senarios in which none of them will actually happen.  I don’t know why I am so complicated.  But I am.  I don’t get it. 

~In the end, I want him.  I don’t know if he wants me.  I don’t know if he will give me everything I need, and I don’t know if I’m the girl of his dreams.  So maybe with this being said, I should just try to not think about him and avoid him at all costs.  Because those are a lot of questions that have heavy answers.  And I don’t think that I will be able to hold up the weight of them.  I know that I will not be able to.  I would need his help and I’m not certain that I will have that kind of support system.  I fear that I will not.  And the fear that I am feeling, the fear that everything in my world could change in those moments is enough to stop me.  At least for now…

~On a different note… FALL OUT BOY REUNITED AND THEIR FIRST TOUR DATE IS IN MILWAUKEE!!! AND GUESS WHO IS GOING! THIS GIRL!!! <3