Cause There’s Beauty in the Breakdown…

~There is this beautiful song call Let Go.  The title is a line from that song and I really love it.  And I’m using it as strength to make it through these past couple of days.  I know that I always complain that I’m alone, meaning without a man, and yes its still true and yes it still hurts, but for some time now I feel that I am really alone, without people to turn to.  Now I know that this is not true.  I do have friends and my family that love me.  I know this.  But for me sometimes it is hard for me to feel it.  The worst is when they are not around obviously.  Like now for instance, I am currently alone in my dorm room.  Have been for almost 2 hours.  All my roommates have gone out together and did not invite me along with them.  How nice right?  (PS the song Everything Falls by Fee just popped up on my itunes… I think its a sign from God that I really am not alone… Wow He really works in strange ways…) Anyways, I just feel very alone.  I’ve been feeling this way for the past couple of weeks.  In my room especially.  My roommate and I hardly do anything together anymore.  Last semester we did stuff all the time together, and now she’s always doing stuff with our suitemates.  Which is fine in and of itself I just feel like an outsider.  We aren’t fighting, she still talks to me all the time, its just like maybe we are growing apart.  I guess that is ok seeing as how we aren’t rooming together next year and will no longer have any classes together because we are both now intensive in our very separate majors.  And she is living with our suitemates again next year which is fine of course so I understand her wanting to get closer to them instead of me. I just can’t help feeling like this.  I just wish that I had someone to really talk about this with.  I have my best friend Rachel and I’ve tried to explain to her about this but I don’t think she will ever understand what I’m really getting at.  But that’s ok.  I’m trying to remain strong and not get all down and depressed about this.  Its rather hard for me because that is my default.  I’m trying to change all that, I struggle with this every day.  And I have to be honest I FAIL miserbly.  All the time.  I feel like a failure most of the time.  Which I know that I shouldn’t but I do.  I’m having a hard time living like this.  I feel like I’m fading away, slowly, painfully, disappearing into the distance.  Maybe I should get help, but I feel like thats a cop out.  Maybe I should just end it all, but again I feel like thats an even bigger cop out.  I feel that God put me here for a reason and that I didn’t go through with my first suicide attempt for a reason… I just want to know what that reason is!  Each day that I go on not knowing why I’m here, what God wants me to do, the more tempting ending it all becomes.  I don’t want my story to end that way.  And I fight that feeling each day.  Some days its easier to deal with than others, but still I don’t want this! I just don’t.  I think you understand why.  If you’ve ever felt the way I do you know that its terribly hard to deal with, its exhausting.  What’s even harder is going on with your daily life pretending that everything is ok.  That you are this happy go lucky person that doesn’t have any issues.  But you know what, its really not like that.  I got very very good at pretending, acting like my life is ok.  Sometimes I can’t even tell.  Sometimes it all blurs together, one big F***ing mess.  Yup thats my life in a nutshell. 

~Most of the time I wish that my life was different.  That I had more friends, that I was more social, that I had a boyfriend.  But i know that wishing doesn’t really get me anywhere.  And I waste a lot of time thinking about it.  More than I should.  I know all of this and why can’t I do anything about it!!!!!!!! Its so infuriating!  Why can’t I just change who I am?  Or at least accept who I am, and start dealing with it in a healthy manner.  I have no idea.  I feel so lost most of the time.  I feel like I’m breaking down, losing myself.  Breaking away into nothing.  I guess the good thing is that I haven’t stopped caring yet.  I’m still hanging on to something.  I’m still here, so I guess that counts for something.  What, I have no clue.  I wish I could find all the answers to my questions.  I pray that some of them get answered soon.  This is heart breaking, and not in the way I normally write about.  Getting up in the morning is continually getting more and more difficult.  One day I don’t think that I’ll get out of bed.  Some mornings I have to force myself out, to face the day, to face the loneliness.  I haven’t given up yet, but I can’t help but feel that its getting rather close…