again with these zombies

You may be able to tell from my last entry that I am not only cynical and evil but that I have a terrible sense of humor and that I am depressed.

To tell you the truth I have not yet come to grips with my situation. I feel like a terrible person. I can not even bring my self to respond to phone calls, e-mail, and the such. I should not feel happiness right now and yet it creeps up on me at times.

My younger brother has decided to "honor" my grand father’s memory by starting to smoke a pipe. This has got to be the most stupid, retarded, most ignorant, fucking idea I have ever heard. Yeah lets celebrate the memory of good ol’ grandpa but getting cancer ourselves. I am sure he would be so proud to see us walk in his foot steps to a horrid and painful death.

People say things like he died in his sleep. Or that he died peacefully. How the hell do they know? As far as I know he took month after painful month to die. All the while hoping that he would get past it all. Hoping that the cancer would not get to his brain. How do they know how it feels to be afraid of losing who you are?

How can they know how it feels for us to see a frail body laid out on a metal table? So lifeless…