Up, down and a bit cross

Yesterday afternoon Nellie passed away. Nellie the cat, that is. She was 12 years old; she lived with us from before she was born when her mother decided it might be good to live with some people while she was in her delicate condition. E and N took care of it. The kids are very upset; after all, Nellie was born when Ophelia was 3 and N was nine months old, so she has been part of their life for as long as they can remember. I am sad too; she was my .5 child, having decided early on that I was actually her mommy.

My visit was incredible. Okay, we had two incredibly good meals out, but mostly it was the discovery of just how open and comfortable and right it is to be with K. After I left, K and Wanda had a secret vote; although the details are of course cloaked in confidentiality, the results are in, and I have unanimously been invited back! So this coming Friday I shall once again take a train up to New Haven.

It is wonderful to be so comfortable with someone; to not set off irritation, to not be out of sync but instead to feel very much in sync. It is so incredible to know that our families and friends can actually know about each other, to have a relationship that can grow and deepen in the clear air of day. I am not a secret anymore. However this develops, it will be very real and acknowledged. I said a long time ago that if anything were to have the power to move me on, it would be someone who stood beside me and actually told the world that she was in a relationship with me. I am so sorry for those who cannot do that; I feel such compassion for them, because it is so damned hard to live with major parts of who one is hidden and never talked about. I’m sober, and I’m from New York. I am so uncomfortable and awkward about living that way. So to just be who I am, what I am, with someone who is who she is and what she is, makes so much more possible and doable.

Just working through some stuff here because, hey, it’s my diary/journal. If not here, where? Oh right … in my daily walk through this journey of a life I’m in.

Whitters from the train ride home yesterday. All the best to all who come by this place.

~~~~~~~~~~

Little one
did you simply fall asleep
there by the door
were you freed by my absence
or trying to wait for my return

The tears come now
on a train
you won’t have your news
to tell me anymore
no gentle visits
soft nothing resting warm
on my chest

You tamed wild creatures
dogs and children too
so small
getting all up in my business
my baby for your lifetime
sweet Nellie
tell Heaven all about your days

~~~~~~~~~~

One night
one day
so real
it has its own music
to rhythm synchronized
in heartbeats

Comfort stayed with you there
this train cramps and thwarts me
if you both vote in my favor
I already know that
I’ll be back next week

I read a list
maybe in some time
you will find yourself
checking off some items there
when you learn
how well I heard every word
spoken and as yet unspeakable