The other end of the day

It seems as though I am waking up a bit later than usual lately. Last night I had this rather icky pain wake me up a few times; it seems to be somewhere around my right hip or … umm … well, you know, somewhere in that area … and travels all the way down my leg to where I bonked my ankle on something or other yesterday. So of course when I finally got back to sleep … yep. But we managed to get out of the apartment and make it to schools and work on time, so hey; everything happens for a reason, I guess. Anyway … more about yesterday’s thoughts … When I started writing here, it was just me, this whatever-I-am, writing about what I was feeling and thinking, and … stuff. I think some people thought it was very sad; I didn’t. It was alarming, this late discovery, and it didn’t come at the best time and certainly not in the best of circumstances for me. But I don’t think it was sad. My attraction was unrequited; I am surely not the only person to have had that particular life experience.
I went through a period of massive confusion. And … here’s the bit I’m not proud of … I started writing dishonestly. Not in any big huge way … but … suddenly I wasn’t writing just clear and true to what I was feeling; I was writing not to worry, not to hurt or disturb, and worried about what people reading here would think of me.
Now, I have come over the two-plus years that I have been writing on OD to appreciate the beauty and importance of anonymity in this community as much as I have learned to respect it in AA. And as with my AA anonymity, I will protect yours more voraciously than I will protect mine. But … I am still going through this process; I think maybe it’s the process of life, this becoming. I have a vision of what I would like my life to be like in a few years; I’ve actually never had that before, and a large part of having that vision is due to the very thing that brought me to write here in the first place. I have made friends here, and I really respect and care about those friendships. I don’t tend to chat online much anymore; many of the friendships I have here exist almost entirely in notes, sometimes some email, and yes, a few people met relatively early on I do chatter with at odd times. But see, wherever life is taking me, and whatever I go through … that’s what this diary, this journal, this tale of my journey is about. I want to keep it simple. And true. Like it was when I started writing here. I whitter though; and whitter and whitter and whitter. So I’ll be whittering and posting them here and … just being me. Me Explorer. Whoever that is, one day at a time.

Someone

The angel of uncertain purpose
who one day quite by accident bumped
into work that might take a few lifetimes
all on one soul
never meant for things to get
out of hand

When an angel is encountered
a special one who touches a heart
to its core
there is nothing for it but change
and moving into the circumference of safety
within the angel’s aura

My angel has a dusky voice
several sorts of smiles
most often a small wry one
calls me an awful woman with a glimmer
that tells me I’m a grand sort of awful
is it any wonder that my heart rests with her

daisymayhem

January 6, 2004

I hear ya, ME… I, for one, am very glad you are here, whittering and sharing….I am smiling because years ago my mother would sometimes read my poetry and invariably she’d say “These are good honey, but can’t you write some happy poems?!”

I’m glad you are going to be just you. That interests me a lot. I try to do the same, but it isn’t always easy. Hugs,

Just checking in… yes, you’re still here. Good.

Wonderful! The real Me Explorer is just grand : ) Write it real and enjoy, gal. Like you said, we all go through experiences. And we can regroup and tune how we write back to this freedom and clarity of authenticity. I’m glad you are relaxing into just writing it as you choose to do for you. Great Hugs & Smiles

I think we are similar in some ways, well of course we are (we’re friends you know?) but I mean we experience life differently but very the same sometimes too. I’ve always felt that in the presence of others we will never completely reveal ourselves but certainly it is possible to put on some layers on ourselves to try and protect ourselves and others sometimes.

The thing is, if we do that we don’t grant other people the opportunity to be fully human because I believe being human involves mostly choices and if we obscure intentionally who we are, for whatever good intentioned reasons, we take away part of the other people’s choice about how to relate to us and about discovering us for who we really are.

The other thing is that we can never completely conceal ourselves anyway because even the greatest actors have tell tale signs. What I am trying to say, in a long winded manner, is that we both need to learn to trust in our beautiful qualities and trust in the sound judgement and decision making abilities of those we interact with.

You are a truly wonderful soul and I believe you need to be true to that soul. Remember that beautiful quote at the bottom of your emails. It will always be a pleasure to read about your life experience and even on the hard days we will give you hugs and share the journey with you xoxo Colette

RealSimple

January 7, 2004

I like the person I have come to know here…Me Explorer. However you might try to veil yourself, your lovely spirit shines through. Whitter and write to your heart’s content and enrich us with your words.

Armiel

I love this you here, ME…and hope I am considered one of those friends (albeit, mostly through notes.)

Years ago I chatted a lot also. I don’t so much anymore. I don’t know why but I seem to like this place and it’s slower pace of communicating through notes much more peaceful. I don’t even use those messenger programs much and only a couple of people are on those lists. It’s like where one could have many conversations at once with many others starting getting confusing and mixed up.

I went from a multitasking master to a singletasking snail, but I think in this way being slower and concentrating I get to see a person as more of a whole being. I get to know them better and not just endless chattering that I lose track of when I’m in a state of sensory overload.

XistDense

Yeah for the real deal! Your dusky voiced angel made me smile. Have a glorious Wednesday and behave so we all don’t have to take up a collection to send you knee pads, and ankle pads, yada. (This coming from a ballet drop-out who has been known to, uhm, have sudden changes in altitude? hehe)

The book you were thinking of (on daisymayhem’s diary note) is Lamb, by Christoper Moore, subtitled “The Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal”. It’s terrific!

DragonKat

RYN: you know at this point its not even about actually getting the money, all I want is a letter to get to him so they can set the ammount and stop dragging me down town every couple of months just to tell me that they haven’t gotten any mail through to him yet. *sigh* wanna take a drive to Arkansas?

Being a grand sort of awful sounds very okay *smiles* Keep on whittering, your poetry is always fresh and vibrant. Confusion, tell me about it! Life would be less interesting if it went along a straight line. Your diary is a pleasure to read Myz Explorer. Congratulations on being you. Warm Hugs

Nectar

I like YOU

Gilraen Tinehtele

yes, i can understand this. i tend to reinvent myself here, trying to find all the parts of me. tis nice. take care of you,

Singing Nun

No wonder at all. And no wonder that we love you – all of you – the “real” you.

being authentic is a goal of mine. sometimes i am embarrassed by the honest feelings that i share. but then i think, what the hey. my reason for coming to open diary was to write. to journal. to share my honest feelings. and there you have it. it seems we are both on a journey of self discovery. i think this is common for women in their forties, don’t you? *hugs*