Up, Down, Back Around

 It’s certainly a bad idea to start an entry this late, but I know I won’t be able to get to sleep for a while. I’m talking to my ex, who is now dating someone else. There’s nothing wrong with that per say. We amicably broke up, it’s just that I realized afterward that I wasn’t over her, and I’m still not. It’s frustrating to be in this position. I was here once before, longing over someone I couldn’t have. Whether it was inevitable or something I could have prevented I will never know, but I know I had at least a part in facilitating it. It seems when I find someone I truly like, I fall fast. And it takes a long time to get over them. Maybe that’s due to my lack of success, I don’t know. It feels like a nightmare. It was close to ten years ago last time, and those scars lasted years. Now it is happening again, much in the same way. The idealization and depth of feelings don’t quite match up with the time we were together. Am I really that pathetic?

The biggest knife in my heart is that she said she didn’t believe in me. That I was empty, and passionless. She’s not the only one to say I am passionless, and I’ve realized since then that very few, if any of the people around me really respect me. They look down on me, it must be, because they definitely don’t look at me equally. And I have encouraged this, I have enabled it with my actions. I have been the goof, the comic relief, the sidekick. Looking back further, I feel like I’ve been criticized, looked down upon, not believed in, and given up on for my entire life. I think of all the job interviews and the employers that never appreciated me. I always worked hard, put in extra hours, came in on days off, and never got shit from it. I think of all the women who never gave me a chance. I think of my parents, who wouldn’t co-sign my loans to go to school in Arizona. Sure, they were afraid of the liability of paying it off, but that would be if I failed or died. They didn’t believe in me. And that pisses me off. It didn’t before, but it does now. All of these things do. Not everyone deserves it, perhaps no one, but good intentions have done nothing. Logic and patience have done nothing. And they’ve done nothing for me. All the hurt, the pain, the rage I’ve felt in the past month has truly motivated me. I’m playing bass at least an hour a day, I’m working on my website, I’m planning to get out of here and move to Portland. 

I’ve been a lot less social, and I’ve stopped being the guy that hosts all the parties, and cleans up after everyone, and spends all his time getting nothing done. The memories and times are great, but I have plenty of memories. What I don’t have are accomplishments, or records of success. It’s been a neverending tumble through mediocrity, doing things I don’t enjoy, being in places I don’t want to be in. Everything now is what I feared would happen before. Being perpetually alone, even worse wanting someone I can’t have, not having any accomplishments, not doing what I want, not having any money or opportunities, etc. This is honestly what I dreaded when I was a teenager, the stuff that would keep me up at night. Now I’m a week from 25, and my nightmare is a reality. It’s self-caused, but still a reality. I cry, and I sulk, and I try to avoid it, but it’s real. It’s here. Trying to brush it off like I did before won’t work. Looking past it to when I’ll be happy won’t work, did that when I was younger. All I can do is get pissed, and get angry. Not angry at myself, I’ve beaten myself up way too much over the years. I need anger at those who have taken advantage of me, who enabled the failure and the lack of self-confidence and the acceptance of the unacceptable. Angry at those who never gave me a chance, whether I deserved one or not. Whatever it is that gets me motivated, that’s what I need.

I’ve always been kind of spiteful. I’m not sure why. I’ve tried to avoid it, because it’s seen as bad and negative. However, it’s the only thing that seems to work for me. I want to better myself to spite my past and those in it. I want to prove that it was wrong for no one to believe in me. I’ve been competitive, and jealous. Always wanting to win at everything, even things that didn’t matter. I wanted respect, I wanted success, I wanted all the things I’ve never had. That doesn’t happen with Magic games, or video games, or at work, or anywhere where I’ve looked for it. Even if I am the best, and deserve the success, and the accolades, I don’t get them. So I need to think bigger. And better. Something where my accomplishments can’t be denied. Maybe that’s why I’ve always wanted to be famous. No one can deny that, people notice it.

It has to be music. It always comes back to that. Things have come full circle. When I was younger I didn’t want to go to school because it was pointless, and I hated it, and it wasn’t going to help me with my career. Then, I compromised. I started going through the hoops and the rituals, the same ones as everyone else. It didn’t work for me. Most recently I was going to school for graphic design, but hated the classes. I couldn’t will myself to do the work. I’m not meant to be a graphic designer. It would have just been a better job until I got the music going. So now I’m back to not caring about school, I’m just taking stuff I want to take. Next term will be Spanish, Keno, Piano and Guitar. The difference is that I have to take music seriously now. Things aren’t going to happen by themselves. I have to learn, and push myself, and make things happen.

I’m trying to live as I think, as I have always thought and perhaps been. I have felt like it’s me against the world, but haven’t acted like it. I spent so much time socializing, and relying on others, without trying to improve myself. It really is me against the world, so I have to make myself strong enough to not only survive, but thrive, and accomplish my goals. I’ve been self-indulgent mentally for years, but have tried to shun it. I can’t do that anymore. No more half-assing. I’m putting me first, whether that is fair to others or not. It’s honest, and it’s what I need.

It’s hard to really be coherent right now. It’s hard to be angry at my ex when she’s being so wise and listening to me rant. Such logic and exceptions are what got me here initially. I will hate her for a while, along with everyone else. I’ve reined in my feelings before, but now I’m letting them run free, hopefully it’s what will work for me. There won’t be any birthday parties this year, nothing positive about turning 25. One, because if I wanted a party, I’d have to throw it, and two, there should be nothing positive about turning 25 as I am. I’m not happy, so I won’t glaze it over. I need 25 to be miserable, and hurtful, so that I will try that much harder to make sure that 26 isn’t the same.