Silver
I’ve been procrastinating on my homework pretty much all weekend. I basically have a Photoshop assignment done, so I did do a little work, but I still have another one to do tomorrow. I need to do my scholarship rough draft tomorrow as well, since I’ll be working Tuesday.
The roomies were away on their own adventures this weekend, so it was just me. I hung out with a couple friends yesterday and went on a bike ride to Ashland and back(25-30 miles round trip), and that was it. The texts have pretty much stopped coming in. Well, I suppose a lot of that is because it says I’m always available on my facebook, which is synced to my phone, so people message me when I’m working or sleeping and they get no response. Hah. It seems I’m getting my wish, and am succeeding in pushing people away. I haven’t been any more productive for it, so perhaps it wasn’t the best idea. There’s still time regardless.
I don’t feel like I’m going in the right direction, quite the opposite, actually. I’m slacking as far as studying goes, which has yet to noticeably affect me. My sleep habits were great, but have slipped, and now even when I legitimately make a decent attempt to sleep, it’s difficult. For a while I was able to shut my mind off at night, but the same thoughts and concepts that used to haunt me nightly are back. I feel like part of it is winter. It’s almost here, and it’s such a bitter, depressing time for me. I get this feeling, and I can’t shake it. I don’t know if it’s despair, depression, loneliness, or something else. I occasionally felt it as a kid, and, well, it sucked, hah. For as long as I can vividly remember it’s been around, like some sort of constant companion hovering over me and blocking the sunshine, smothering me with its curse. As I said before, I’ve been antisocial so that’s probably some of it. Also, both of the roomies have love interests(well, like interests would be more accurate), so that makes it feel more noticeable.
The ingredients are there, I just have to find the right recipe for happiness. Or something. That sounds really cliche. Even if I’m falling into another rut, I believe in myself, which is something I can’t say I really did before. Being around others reminds me of how they see me and how they don’t really take me seriously. Yeah, I’m kind of a goof, somewhat naive and sheltered, and somewhat of a screw-up, but that’s not how I want to be or be seen. The less I’m around others, and especially friends, the less I have to deal with that stereotype. It’s certainly not positive reinforcement, whether they realize it or not. I’ve dealt with it for years and probably used to encourage it with my self-depreciating humor. I’m not going to make a big deal about it, I’d rather use the energy to improve myself so that I can show, well, no one. Things are going well at work at least, or so I assume. I’ve been signed off on all my training, and have received some compliments, so that’s encouraging. Doesn’t it seem like the less you know someone, the more apt you are to compliment them? I’m guilty of it, and I’ve noticed it with those around me. I wonder what it is about familiarity that makes us less encouraging. Hmm.
That last line, wow, I’d never considered that but it’s so true. Perhaps it has something to do with making people feel more comfortable? At least I think I do that sometimes. I know it’s easier said than done but maybe focus less on how much this season has affected you in the past and try to turn it all around. It doesn’t have to be that way every year. But again, easier said than done =)
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i think its important to do things one thing at a time, get your ducks in a row and then everything will be how you want it to be.
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I’ve been majorly slacking on studying too. Ugh.. I need to snap out of that! I like that you can recognize the problem and you can talk yourself through it. I think we may think alike in some aspects. Like you’re talking about not going in the right direction, slacking on studying, your thoughts etc when you’re trying to sleep, and then the winter and depression. You’re able to recognize
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what you don’t like or what you want to change and then immediately after that you are logically navigating your way through the process. Encouragement at work is good anyway it comes!! I’ve definitely learned that compliments through work are usually genuine and hold a little more meaning than if a friend made a compliment. I’ve learned that people don’t waste their time or their breath
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if they don’t mean what they say at work. I guess that’s because it IS work and they have better things to do. lol
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ryn: it is way easier to do something when you have to. I think that’s why I’m eager to get back to work so the changes won’t seem like such a chore. I say you give nojomo another try. A week’s better than nothing! =)
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ryn: That’s why I’m trying so hard to put some emphasis on it. I think it could help, but I’ll let you know 🙂 I’m not sure I’d say I’m a ‘better version’ at this moment in time but I see what you mean. The benefits really aren’t here yet and I didn’t even realize how much of a role that could be playing. Thanks for pointing it out!
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