Revival

Didn’t expect to make another entry here. It’s been…six years? And some change. When is the end ever really the end, though? Things come back en vogue, and nostalgia reigns supreme, if only ever temporarily. People you think you won’t see again pop up when it’s least convenient, because nothing’s for sure until death. Maybe not even then, I mean this place was dead for what, four years? I certainly didn’t think it would come back. Diary sites, including this one(and the spawn of it that I started at, TOD, wayyyy back in 2001) have been incredibly important to me over the years. Of course, the internet, and society are a lot different now. When I was hooked on updating at this site, checking for notes, reading my friends’ entries, I was also posting on message boards, and talking to friends from the two different worlds on instant messengers. None of that is really a thing now. The phrase “social media” definitely didn’t exist back then, or at least I never heard it. Then Myspace happened, which itself is a fossil now, and slowly everything got sucked into Facebook, Youtube and Twitter. I very rarely go on Facebook these days, haven’t in several years. At the time, I avoided because of someone important who abandoned me, and I didn’t want to see them living their life that I’d been for some reason removed from. I’ve grown to enjoy not checking it though.

Six years ago, when I last updated this, I was living in Medford. Working at the plasma center as a phlebotomist. I didn’t like it, but it was work. I was living with friends in a place that I enjoyed, always having my delusions of grandeur, of someday doing something with music and wrestling. A few months later, some friends I got to know through working at the plasma place wanted to move up here to Portland, and I decided to go with them. I transferred at my job, as did one of them, and we got an apartment. It did not go well, living with Chris was just not a good fit. Ella was a great roommate though, so I kept rooming with her when they broke up and Chris moved out and into a place with Erica, who he’s with. Ella eventually moved back to Medford, can’t blame here. Portland has been a very mixed bag. I dated someone for a few months, well first we were just hooking up, but eventually was in a relationship with her. Someone I met at work, and because of that and the fact that she was soon-to-be-divorced, we kept it a secret. That caused its own problems in time. Things at the plasma place up here were great at first, it was new, there were lots of cool people working there, and it wasn’t very busy. As we got busier and employees left and weren’t replaced, it became far less fun. I got promoted to supervisor, but I hated it, I didn’t get to supervise much because I was always in production, due to us being understaffed and the manager being too proud to ask her bosses for help. I eventually left to do Lyft driving full-time. I was running away from something, and not toward it, but that was nothing new even then.

I did start getting trained at a pro wrestling school several months after moving up here, but fell off after getting really sick and missing a couple weeks. Went back a couple years later, but fell off of that too, letting other things get in the way. I intend to go back once the pandemic is over and I get a bit more in shape. I’m not interested in putting other things before it this time, such as hanging out with people. Haven’t done anything with music either, I haven’t stayed consistent with playing bass. I know a couple people who are in bands but it wasn’t enough to pull me into the local music scene. I did just order an electronic drum set, so maybe that’ll spur me to get active. I’ve never stopped writing lyrics, I just haven’t done anything with any of them.

I did the Lyft thing for a couple years. It was enjoyable, and also stressful. Always worrying if your car is going to have problems is not fun, and I was putting a lot of miles on it. I got a newer car in 2017, and put 40,000 miles on it the first year. There were interesting people, and occasionally interesting stories, but nothing that lasted. I did get a couple dates out of it, and made one friend that stuck around for a while, but I also never tried to impose on people unless it was obvious they were interested in hanging out. Being trapped in a box on wheels with someone who makes you uncomfortable would suck, so I strove to not do that to anyone. I had a lot of anxiety from working for myself doing it. Turns out I function a lot better when I can have a job where I know when I’ll go to work and how much I’ll get paid. A couple years ago I got a job at a plant tissue culture lab that was enjoyable. Made some good friends there and the work wasn’t bad. Just when I was about to get promoted to be one of the night shift supervisors, they cut the night shift, and second shift, and about half of the jobs company-wise. A few months later the rest of us were laid off. It was a good idea, but ultimately a startup that was run into the ground by incompetency and bad ideas. Did Lyft again for a few months, and then got a job at Intel in one of the manufacturing areas. Nothing I’m passionate about, but it’s not bad. I’m in through a staffing agency, I need to go back to school and finish up my associate’s degree before I can try to get hired on.

After a while, I created a good group of friends, but before that, it sucked being here. I hung out with co-workers in Medford, and at first it seemed like that would be the case here with the folks from the plasma job, but it didn’t last. Around the time my relationship with Mayumi imploded, I didn’t really have anyone to hang out with besides the roommate at the time. I got to know some people who worked there better before I left, at least. Anyway, that made me realize just how weird and special it was that I worked at several places in Medford with amazing people who are still friends to this day. That just doesn’t happen at most places.

Dating has also been not great. After things ended with Mayumi, inconsistency reigned supreme. I’d go on dates here and there, but it’d never amount to much, even if they went really well. While I worked at the plasma place the last year, I became close with a co-worker who was married, but always expressed an interest in me. I fell for her a bit post-Mayumi, but nothing happened. We were just friends, actually both her and her husband hung out in the group of friends that included my old roommate and several others. Then they got divorced, and Courtney and I started kind of seeing each other. I fell for her again, and then she ghosted. In retrospect, I was not very smooth, and probably didn’t read into what exactly she wanted, which I think was just to fool around, even if she said she was ready to date. I was also probably the most depressed I’ve ever been, and existing in a pretty shitty living situation. She popped back into the picture last year, and we started seeing each other again. That didn’t lead to anything either, and things ended somewhat more definitively, but just as confusingly. Maybe she’ll pop up again, but I’m not holding my breath. Haven’t really tried to get out there lately, and then the pandemic has made it kind of pointless also.

Even six years ago, I was pretty cynical and jaded. That’s persisted, though I have chilled out about a lot of things. I’m still not content, and often depressed, but I deal with things better. Life is far from what I thought it’d be like, but who can’t say that in some way? There’s still time to get what I want, and I’ll change as much as I need to in order to make it happen. The me as-is won’t push himself toward his dreams, or have the confidence to find a relationship that I can keep and not be insecure about or self-sabotage. I’ve developed in my head a persona of sorts that I think could accomplish the things I want to, that would garner more respect. Someone who’s laser-focused on the future, and not sentimental, someone who is confident, and self-centered. Pretty much the opposite of what I’ve been most of my life. I don’t know how to actually start acting like that person, but the seeds are there. This isolation and not seeing anyone but my roommates and co-workers makes it easier to keep thinking about it. I lose focus, and prioritize spending time with others, trying to bring them together, throwing parties. It’s nothing anyone asks me to do, just what I’ve always felt like doing, but I enjoy it less and less with time. There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first and focusing on that, and I hope to do that even once things get back to normal.

Well, that’s enough for now, I think. First update for this in six years, two for Prosebox, and Livejournal…I guess I can’t get enough of those old habits. Someday I’ll need to look fully forward, and leave the past fully behind, but it’s not yet that time.