Prisoner of Home

 So, the girl and I hung out again after that. It was kind of awkward. We ran out of stuff to talk about/do at my house, so we went to her place and hung out with her family. Even that was kind of boring. Doesn’t seem like a good sign. She said she might stop by today for a bit. That’s how it’ll have to be for now, since she has no car and has to bum rides, and my car is getting worse with the overheating. I’m only taking it to work and back, and that’s pretty much all it allows me to do. It was relatively normal hanging out with her, but it still did seem a little different. We didn’t really talk about our little spat or whatever. I remain apathetic and uninvolved.

I’ve been slacking on job hunting. I always intend to do it at night, but then I’m always hanging out with people, so that doesn’t happen, and then I’m tired and want to go to bed, so it definitely doesn’t happen. Castle is hiring again, though for a supervisor position. Going to apply anyway. Haven’t talked to the manager in a bit, I was going to ask her if she’d even consider hiring me again, since I’m a good employee, but we hang out sometimes and go to trivia together, so that’s somewhat a conflict of interest. Then again we could always stop that, plus she’s moving back to Eugene in four months, so then someone else will be the store manager anyway. I have 10 hours each week for this and next week at work so I definitely need to find something to supplement that. I’ve had chances to, a couple months ago anyway when the results were still coming in from the previous month’s attempts at applications. I’m confident that I will find another job, even if it takes 2-3 weeks to start getting calls back.

I’ve decided I’m going to try and learn Japanese. I need to do something new to motivate myself and get myself out of the rut I’ve been in, and I’ve always somewhat wanted to learn it anyway, as I have a fondness for the culture, the media they provide, and I also want to visit there someday. Who knows how far it’ll go but it’s worth a shot. I have some apps on my ipod for it, there’s a DS game for learning it, and Tamarra is going to let me borrow some books and also help tutor me since it’ll look good on her resume and whatnot. The super basic stuff, hiragana, can supposedly be learned in around six weeks, so that feels like a reasonable starting point. I just need to make time for it every day. I certainly have it, I just don’t get anything done when I hang out with people, obviously, so I have to prioritize.

I need more motivation and discipline. It’s kind of already happened, but anyway I’m going back to straightedge. It’s been close to a month since I drank anyway, but officially I’m giving myself until March 14th to get it out of my system. Then, the next day, I turn 24, and BOOM! Straightedge. I’ve gotten over my wanting to drink phase, and I feel like I was stronger as a person when I was straightedge. I stood for something, had something consistent, was able to individualize myself…I need that again. I need to feel strong. I feel weak as it is. It also felt like the group was more organized back then, after a while we would just hang out and drink, which is fine, but the less I drink, the less others will drink by proxy. It’ll be cheaper not to do it and there will be less of a mess to clean up after people leave and I’ve forgotten to ask them to help clean up.

Bah. I want money. I can’t fix my car yet, so I’m stuck at home. No bass, so I can’t practice. I feel trapped. Still, the more I am here, the less I am around others, or out doing stuff, or out spending money. I can be productive here. I need to make the most out of it.