Meteorfall

I can’t sleep. Perhaps I drank too much again, though it really didn’t seem like it, I only had a couple drinks over a couple hours. Needless to say, the last several times of drinking have resulted in less-than-desired effects. I’m also just not enjoying it as much as I used to. I didn’t even feel drunk, or really even buzzed tonight, and I still feel like crap. I suppose I say this fairly often, and thus I’ll say it again; perhaps I’ll go straightedge again. I can resist peer pressure now, I don’t need that. Nevertheless, I feel like I’ve lost something since I stopped it. Maybe I’ve lost focus to an extent. Things, people are so subjective and constantly changing…it’s nice to have a constant or two. Also, I don’t want to be an enabler of anyone, which can happen when alcohol is involved. It also just seems to complicate things, complicate plans. There’s also the constant urge to use it as a way to separate myself from others, as I pretty much only drink socially.

I guess the guy who took my stuff came in to plasma, so they confronted him about it. He pawned the jacket and threw away the wallet. He’ll never be able to donate again, which will potentially cost him thousands of dollars over the years, but that’s a small solace. My life as I know it is over, in a sense. Until I replace my things, I’m a man with an intangible identity. No driver’s license, no social security card, no debit cards, no student ID. I feel like I have regressed significantly. I can’t buy alcohol. I can’t borrow a book from the library. I can’t order anything internationally, for it always gets sent to the USPS pickup office for some reason, and you have to have your ID to claim the items. I have no house key, no mail key, and no car key, so even if the car does get fixed, I can’t move it or turn it on at the moment, so I have to hope it doesn’t get towed. I only have my spare bike key. I also can’t get into a R-Rated movie. That happened today, so the planned hangout with Jessa to see Immortals didn’t happen. To see it we would have had to buy tickets for another movie and then snuck into the Immortals area. How fucking pathetic is that? I’m 24, I’ve been legally able to see such a movie in theaters for seven years, and yet I can’t do it now, being older than I previously was. We ended up just going back to the townhouse and hanging out with everyone else. I don’t know if it was a date or not, but she invited me, so I figured it meant good things. Alas.

We went to get pizza and some tequila, there ended up being six of us all together, Sky, Kasey, Jessa, Scott, Bubbles and myself. Basically the usual crew. It was fun enough. I always end up falling into the role of the goofball, and I somewhat enabled it, but not nearly as much as in the past. It was moreso Skyler and the other dudes. Ultimately it didn’t matter, but let’s say that Jessa was interested in me and/or I was trying to impress her, how is that going to help? Joking or not, I can’t really appreciate being belittled anymore. It’s not something I’m going to pin on anyone, it’s just something I have to work on myself. No one is going to help you to be taken more seriously. Friends, however good they are, have a difficult time changing their perceptions of you, especially in groups. That’s what I’ve noticed, anyway. I think Jessa and I have a lot in common, at least as far as being the goof of the group. It seemed like Skyler was trying to nudge things, as there were the four of us initially, but then he invited Bubbles, so maybe not. And later Bubbles was totally hitting on Jessa, giving her a massage and other super-obvious things. It’s whatever, but he definitely didn’t say anything beforehand, isn’t there some sort of bro code about that? He originally wanted to go see the movie with us earlier in the day, though due to timing and transportation of my bike it wasn’t plausible. I would have welcomed him to go if it was feasible, I wasn’t taking the date concept of it overly seriously, and in the discussion it came up that she invited me, which he seemed to understand. Maybe I was wrong about his intentions, though. Regardless, it’s none of my business, right? Nothing is set in stone or concrete in any way, and I kind of am pursuing-ish Kayleen, but I also kind of had interest in this girl. Is that wrong? Or is it fine since there’s no guarantee that anything will happen, and in most likelihood I feel nothing will? That’s how I feel, but I’m still annoyed, whether it’s rational to be or not. I just don’t think my friends really respect me as an equal, and I have for the most part only enabled such a perception. It’s up to me, on my own, to redefine myself. No one, no matter what anyone says, is willing or would help with such an endeavor. They couldn’t even if they wanted to.

So, my identity is gone, my transportation is temporarily permanently limited, I can’t buy anything that I can’t pay for with paypal(so thus no groceries or anything, thank god Scott is going to loan me money for rent and school until I can access my money), and I’m feeling burned by friends. I’m not going to let it get me down. No more depression. No one cares, no one will give sympathy, and I don’t want it anyway. I’m better than that. It’s me vs. the world, as it always has been. This week has been the roughest I’ve had in a long, long time, all things considered, but I know that I cannot be broken. I have few illusions. I am alone, I’m weakened, but not out. I can fix things and take care of myself, by myself. So I will. Barring another sort of rude bitchslap from the hand of fate, things will only improve from here on out for a while.