Kick the Funk

Man, work was horrible today. I fucked up half of my sticks. I infiltrated the first person I stuck, I think that’s the first time I’ve done that. Hopefully they didn’t get a bruise or hemotoma. If so, that’s several days or a couple weeks where they can’t donate. I find no pity for people who rely on the plasma money even with the knowledge that nothing is guaranteed, but I’d still feel bad. It seemed like every other time afterward I’d have to have someone fix a stick for me. Usually when I’m depressed I’m very careful not to let it affect work. If there is one thing that really shouldn’t and can’t be affected, it’s that. I have to do well to keep my job so I can survive. Survival is necessary at the end of the day, other things and any personal relationships ultimately aren’t. The day seemed to drag on infinitely and I felt exhausted the whole time. My head isn’t in the clouds, it’s in the fog. I don’t know where I’m at. I just need some time to be away from people, and work, and whatever else. To end the bad streak of mistakes and negative situations and refocus. I still have three days left of work though. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it will be better.

There’s a sense of tension in the house. One of the roommates wasn’t there. I don’t know where he is, I’m sure it’s nothing important, but the tension is building. For someone who talks about being a gentleman and honorable, he acts extremely shifty sometimes. I sure as hell hope he isn’t a cheater, considering his girlfriend is one of the other roommates. He has his good points, but he is vain. Not well-liked by several in the group. When people stop showing up simply to avoid other people, that’s when it’s pretty much over, and at least one person plans on doing that. I really should organize a New Year’s event. It may be the last hurrah. Perhaps the timing is right. Sad or happy, single or taken, around many others or resembling a hermit, I’ll be very busy with school and work. I won’t have the time to fix things that will otherwise break. I feel with many things there is a golden age, a time when everything is as good as it will get. Once it’s over, things never quite recover. I feel like several months ago we passed that. It’s vain to say that aside from Magic the Gathering and general nerdiness, I am what has kept everyone together over the past several years, but it’s completely true. For some reason people open to me easily, and since I’ve been the person that I roughly am now, I haven’t had a problem making friends. In fact, I have too many to hang out with. Well, most people warm up to me, except naturally whatever woman I am chasing at the time. It’s part that aura, and part me simply giving a damn and putting in effort that has kept people united. People come and go, that’s life. I was not good at dealing with it in the past, particularly back when this place and any other online journal site I used and the people I knew at them were extremely important to me. Once someone disappeared, there was no finding them. Between Facebook and mobile phones, now it’s easy to remain in contact, yet the people around me don’t seem very close to me, or really close to one another. We have all the means as friends to stay connected and choose not to. If someone wants something badly enough, they’ll find a way. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped caring for the most part. And why I’m so cynical when I’m left in the dark and several texts go by without a response from a like interest. The tools are there, they’re just not being used. Nostalgia will always play a factor in my persona. This place will always be important to me, even if I don’t act like it, and it doesn’t serve me as it did in the past. I’ve saved things from the past, including what was available of this diary and my old TOD. I feel solitary in thought and action, but still keep reminders of bonds that have rotted with time. I would trade in everything that I know and never come to know all the people if I do if I could go back in time and choose a different path, get closer to the dreams I had. I am selfish and obsessed. With that said, everyone I have known, know, and will know are important to me, even if it fades to subtle, unconscious importance. Even if they will all fade and go their own ways sooner or later, being replaced by others who will also do the same, and have the same done to them by me. Maybe my group of friends will endure, and new memories and bonds can be created. I suppose there’s not much more to be gained if it doesn’t. People change and grow apart. I’ve gleamed what I can from them, and have the memories forever, for good or bad.

I did see my like interest today for a minute, as she works at the grocery store near work. I still have no idea where things actually stand. When communication was consistent, she seemed very interested. She essentially apologized for not getting back to me, and I reiterated an invite to a holiday party the roomies are throwing on Thursday. Things are still undeclared but it was nice to see her. I also saw another friend at work that I briefly wanted to date during the summer, though nothing ended up happening. I think the timing was wrong, but I don’t regret asking for her number, as she stopped coming in to work right after I did. She has a bad experience almost every time she donates, and doesn’t even do it for the money, she does it because her niece relies on the stuff that gets made from the plasma. I respect her greatly for that. Hopefully we’ll get together soon for coffee to catch up. I expect it to remain platonic, but hanging out with a beautiful woman is never a bad thing for me, generally speaking.

I still haven’t responded to my jerk friend, and he has said nothing further. The window to stir the pot and make an enemy in order to fulfill my desire for spite is closing. Perhaps a lack of action will do more than anything I could send will. He’ll most likely apologize later, or he’ll end up full-on hating me. There is no middle ground with someone of his personality. I also wonder based on what I’ve heard and seen if he is legitimately bipolar. He’s still responsible for his actions, just like everyone. 

Hopefully tonight will offer better sleep, and more of it. I have an early shift tomorrow and I can’t keep fucking up. It’s time to turn things around.