Inside Eternal Winter

I don’t understand people. Every time I think I start to, I end up in the dark once more.

A little while ago, some sisters of one of my friends mentioned a friend of the family they thought I would be good with. I didn’t think anything of it. Eventually, they mentioned it again, and encouraged me to add her on Facebook, so I did. I think I was busy with stuff or something, so I didn’t message her, but she initiated conversation. We didn’t talk much, things were going really well with Miranda at the time(well, the one week there was anything), so I felt confident int hat leading somewhere and didn’t talk to this girl. I messaged her several days ago and got no reply, figured I’d waited too long. She messaged me back earlier in the day with her number and said I should come out to a club in Ashland where she was at. After I was done with the rest of my night, I stopped home to drop some stuff off, sent her a text to make sure she was still there, and then headed over. 

The nightclub is actually a restaurant during the week, so that’s kind of weird. It was pretty crowded in there so I told her to come meet me at the entrance. For once, a girl was actually as cute as her pictures. That sounds really shallow, but in my experiences, many women on dating sites take either really misleading pictures or have really old ones up, and the difference in person is significant. Just feels dishonest. She had said I should bring some friends, as she was with friends, so I assumed females. All of the applicable people I would bring are either on vacation or feuding. It ended up being her and two dudes, that should have been clue #1. We just hung out on the dance floor, and then moved away from it to talk a little bit. Then went back to the dance floor, only to not really dance. She said the drink in her hand was the only one she’d have that night, but then she left for what seemed like half an hour to get another one at the bar. I thought she was bad at dancing, but it turns out she was just ignoring me. She barely looked at me, didn’t even really face me. After a while even stopped telling me when she was leaving the floor. I thought she was just doing her own thing, but then she danced with the one guy, who was behind her pretty much the whole time. While she ignored me. I got the hint after a wasted hour in her scattered company, moved around the floor, and found nothing. A really cute girl smiled at me very noticeably soon after I hit the floor, when Mayrellia was off getting a drink. I didn’t do anything about it since it seemed like it’d be rude to dance with someone else when she invited me there. Obviously it would have been fine. I think she went to the bathroom or something, and I left. A few minutes later she apparently noticed, texting me asking if I left. I told her it seemed like a good time to leave and thanked her for the invite. No response. I’ll never talk to her again, I know it.

On its own this isn’t bad, but this girl, as always, was supposed to be different. Educated, attractive, seemed very sweet. Fairly religious apparently, though that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. And yet she’s like all the rest. I feel like this is a new low for a stranger. If you’re going to invite someone out to see you and give them your number, then fucking act like they exist! If it wasn’t for that, I think I would have enjoyed myself. It seemed like a better atmosphere than the club in Medford. Too bad I don’t have anyone to bring with me. 

I was starting to feel better, and this brought me back down. This shit happens so often, it has to be me. Somehow I am doing something to scare people off, to cause them to be so goddamned inconsiderate. However, I feel like I did nothing wrong. Maybe I did. Blaming myself is pointless, regardless of the unknown facts. So I’ll blame everyone else. I won’t change me, and I can’t change them. So the only solution is to stay away.

Actually, most of today sucked, thinking back. I got to work for my unnecessary 8-4 shift, only to see it was 8 to closing, which would be around 630 or 7. I brought this up to someone, since I’d get in trouble if I got overtime, and so then it changed to working 8-10 and coming back to work 2-6. I should have said no but I felt too weak. I left at 10, saw a co-worker leaving also and hung out with him. Then I ended up leaving early at 4 anyway because we were so slow. Why.

I had no intentions to go to a co-workers for a Christmas party originally, but after hanging out with Scott I felt better, I guess. Ended up giving him a ride there and back. There was lots of food and it was fun enough. We were the first ones there, so at first it seemed awkward, but the turnout wasn’t bad. It was very interesting to see how people act outside of work. There was one person who I despise that showed up, if I had known he was there I would not have came. I was there for a little over three hours, then left to get stuff for the potluck at work tomorrow, drop someone off and then proceed with the rest of the night.

Tomorrow won’t be as bad. I am becoming less depressed and more bitter. My cynicism has only been deepened. Miranda did text me after I texted her again tonight. It sounded like she has legitimate reasons for being busy, but it almost sounded like she had given up. Ugh. I’ll be more direct with my next text.

I always like the ones who don’t like me, and shun the ones who do. Generally the shunned are people I am not physically attracted to. It feels shallow but it would be more harsh to lead someone on who I would not be happy with. It wouldn’t be fair for them or me to settle. At least that’s what I tell myself. Looking at couples, it feels like there is a lot of settling. A lot of women that I know with low self-esteem that stay with their men because they’ve had it drilled into them that they can’t do any better, or that they somehow deserve the mental and/or physical abuse. I don’t think I’d be an asshole like that to someone if I ever "settled". The thought is nevertheless unnerving. Neither person should have to settle. Should. I meant to remove that word from my vocabulary some time ago. It’s idealistic. The more disappointment I find in people, the more I lose the idealism, finding it replaced by cynicism.