Hide Behind the Mist

I was supposed to go karaokeing tonight…it’s pretty late though. I didn’t get a text from Tara until 11, and after I had finished cooking dinner and eating it was after 11:30, plus I’m tired. I also want to get up early. At least by 8. Karaoke can wait. I’m definitely nervous about singing, which is no excuse. I suck hardcore at singing at Rock Band, for I have zero pitch control, and that’s what the game judges you by. In a bar with faded drunks, well, the scoring system is a lot different. Nevertheless I haven’t found my voice yet, so I’m not comfortable with singing, but I won’t get better by avoiding it.

Someone left a note saying it was better to ask for that girl’s number first. I thought about it, and yeah, it makes more sense. What’s the worst that can happen? In function and feeling I have already assumed the worst. Anything better is a pleasant surprise. One of my friends/co-workers is going to try to arrange something with one of her friends. I’m apathetic anyway, and also the track record for people coming through with such claims is spotty at best. 

I’m very…picky when it comes to dating. I shouldn’t have such insane expectations, given my lack of actual dating experience. I judge very harshly based on music; not only because it’s the most important thing to me, but also because I feel that generally you can judge the way someone lives by their musical taste. There’s nothing wrong with that; but someone with a different lifestyle than me isn’t a good fit for me. I’m not about respect, or trends, or proving anything, and I’m also not about family loyalty, patriotism, or partying. I’m just laid back and respectful.

My mom called while I was on break, but i didn’t answer, since I had five or six minutes left. I’ll call her tomorrow. It’s been at least a month. Part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge it. If I could feel enough, the fact that I’m quickly losing touch with my family, at least beyond what I had already lost, would be a great tragedy. However, I can’t feel that. I merely feel my disdain at what is going on with my family, and the depression that I feel upon each and every phone call. There is always an air of loss, sadness; tragedy. Death, dishonor, dysfunction. Each call is seemingly more miserable than the last. I want away from misery. At least anything in my life causing me misery that I have no control over.

I suppose I am hiding from my dishonorable friends. I still don’t know what to do about them. Granted, I haven’t been worrying about it. I feel time will provide an answer, albeit not the most righteous one. Familiarity, loyalty and sentiment against disappointment, low expectations and hostility. There is no right answer, but I do know what’s most right for me.

Tara texted, she and her roomie are leaving the bar. Well, that works for me.

My priorities at the moment are self-improvement(as always), securing my income(which most likely means finding a nighttime job) and dating. Those things are the most difficult, but they are all I see. All else seems hidden away for now.