Happenings

I can never tell if I’m the crazy one, or if it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy. Regardless, I’m doing my best to listen to my instincts more and trust myself. I generally accept what other people have to say over my own thoughts, which usually doesn’t work out too well. I tend to assume other people are more sure of themselves than me, and even if they do know what the hell they’re doing, that doesn’t mean they’re any better at it. Whether I am crazy or sane, right or wrong, I need to believe in myself, and do what I feel is in my best interest. If I don’t do it, who will?

Well. I switched back to my old team at work so that I can go to school, and that’s been nice so far. I have to work with a former friend, and it’s awkward, but it’s still better than what I had to deal with before. I had a pretty decent interview at the plasma place last week, and the hours wouldn’t interfere with school or my current job, so it’s possible if I get it that I will do all three. It might kill me, but then again I’ve been through this sort of thing before. I want to fix my car, and have an actual savings account, and save up to visit home, and so on and so forth.

I’ve decided to go for Computer Science for school. I have an interest in the field, and, well, I’d much rather be doing something with that and getting paid a lot more than doing what I do now for chicken scratch, even if it’s not what I want to do with my life. I was hoping to get into a Visual Basic class that I’m not technically qualified for, but I think I could easily keep up with, but I wasn’t able to get it worked out today. Annnndd the class is only offered once a year. Oh well. I’ll get my pre-reqs taken care of and take all the other stuff I can take for now. I really hate Math, but I only need one more class, at least for now. I have to re-buy the Psych and Math books I used when I went to school before, which is annoying, but that’s life. I never thought I’d need them again.

I find myself bouncing between being really social and being almost antisocial. I guess it’s been like that for a while, but it feels more noticeable lately. I don’t think I have two personalities or am bi-polar or anything, they’re just two aspects of my personality. There’s the warm side and then also the cold side. It just kind of comes and goes. Even when I’m dealing with friends in really dumb situations that they never seem to learn from, I don’t lose patience, I’m not really sure what brings it on. I suppose any time I feel like I’m being singled out or disrespected I mentally isolate myself. I’ve been trying to not be so self-centered lately, and help out friends who, yeah, need help. It’s hard though, when someone won’t help themselves because they don’t have the courage to better their lives, even if it will make things harder short-term. I don’t want to be like so many of my friends and other people I see, living lies and pretending to be happy. It’s all a bunch of bullshit and it’s bad for ya, as George Carlin once said.

My childhood best friend is staying here at the moment. He moved earlier than I thought he would, and apparently he was supposed to have a bunch of money that his family owed him, but they didn’t give it to him. I’m not going to say anything to him, but geezus, he really should have known better. If someone has borrowed thousands of dollars from you over several years, the odds of them ponying up some of it when you need it is doubtful. Seems like he has things worked out now and should have the money to get a place soon. He doesn’t really seem to mesh well with the rest of my friends. I don’t feel like he even meshes well with me, but he hasn’t really changed that much, it’s just me. Guess it was kind of like that before I moved. I’m glad he’s here, but also glad I won’t have to live with him, I think he would end up getting on my nerves unintentionally. He’s put on a great deal of weight, and doesn’t seem overly social, but he still is ambitious enough if he moved out here, so hopefully he’ll help keep me motivated and we can get the band going finally.

I’m going to a Blink 182 / My Chemical Romance concert at the beginning of next month. I did it largely so that a friend could go(at the time, anyway, apparently other people are also going now, or something), but I also haven’t been to a concert in a while and furthermore I see this as the end of the summer. The end of freedom, and fun, somewhat anyway. After that I won’t have the time or money to do anything for a while, and it’ll be getting cold soon. I’ll enjoy it for what it is. I think I like her, in fact I’m pretty sure I do, but I’m rational enough not to let the feelings materialize. The odds of her leaving her abusive boyfriend(well, now, I’m sure they will split up at some point in a few years but I won’t be still stuck in Medford then) are low, the odds of her doing that AND wanting to date me, well, also low. It is what it is. I barely see her at work now that I’ve switched my schedule and once I start school I doubt I’ll talk to her much at all. There always comes a point it seems when I stop getting closer to someone, and after we hit that wall the same thing always happens; slow, inevitable decline, until we don’t talk anymore, for no reason in particular. I’ll enjoy my cameo in her life story while it exists. Or, maybe I’ll ruin things by being really honest and stark about how she should wo-man up and leave her dude, because even though people who are unhappy stay together for the kid, that’s really the worst thing you can do. I see the same thing happening with my "sister" and her boyfriend. She hasn’t been responding to my texts, which somewhat worries me, but our line of communication isn’t overly regular anyway. That situation is more complicated, since I’m friends with the boyfriend, but I’m tiring of it, and having to pretend like things are fine. According to her, he doesn’t really trust me, or my roommate or anyone else that is a guy friend of hers in the group. What’s the point? There will come a time when I will no longer hold my tongue when it comes to such things, even if it makes it awkward or hurts others. I feel like I’ll become a person eventually who will feed off of that sort of thing, instead of fearing it. Both the realist and the idealist in me agree that it’s dumb to play along with situations like that, and it’s insulting for people to carry on the charade when everyone knows what is going on, and things will come crashing down at some point anyway. It’s foolish.

I’m moving into a townhouse Friday with the roomie and another friend, right across the street from our current place. Bills will be a little cheaper so that’ll be nice. This is my last week before school, but it’s going to be spent cleaning and moving. Oh well, I’d rather it happen now than in a week or two.