Curiosity

Have I updated this since I moved back? Hmm. Can’t remember.

Life has either been moving along, or certifiably insane, since i returned to Medford.

I haven’t found a job yet, though I’m to hear back from a credit union that I had an awesome interview at tomorrow, and yesterday I had a good-ish interview with Toys R Us. I’m also going to drop off some in-person apps later today. Running out of money, which is certainly stressful. Going to have to start selling stuff soon. I do have my deposit from the Conservatory and some paid time off from Castle that I never got…once i have those that will probably be 350 bucks, but that’s not now.

My friends Kris and David are moving here in a couple weeks. So I’ve also been looking for a place, in addition to a job. It’s been stressful. And I’ve been slacking somewhat. My standards, like a receding tide, are gradually dipping lower and lower. Soon I’ll probably crack and start applying for literally anything, even annoying graveyard shift warehouse work.

I’ve been helping out with Roller Derby since I know some of the girls on the team and I have nothing else to do. I’m an NSO(Non-Skating Official), basically someone who helps out as needed. I managed the other team’s penalty box at Saturday’s game. Roller Derby is neat, since it’s so communal. Saturday we drove to Coos Bay, which is about 3 hours away, near the coast. We played the other team, then stayed at the house of the captain of the other team, Dolly Demented. We actually camped out with tents in her backyard. The game was a curbstomp – it was 10-77 at halftime and 53-134 or something like that at the end, with the Southern Oregon Roller Girls(the Medford team that I help) winning. Then both teams partied at aforementioned house, complete with the DJ/announcer from the bout playing music and hosting Karaoke in Dolly’s living room. It was kind of bizarre, but cool. Few people on the team know me yet, but I got to somewhat know some of them during the party. There was even some flirting. Damn you, drunk roller girls! Making me feel like I want to try, for the first time in a while. My heart is still made of stone though, so ha! Almost wanting me to drink as well…because that’s how drunk people are. My almost 10-month straightedge streak was not broken, however. It would have been nice to drink, just to get attention, feel wanted for a moment, but then undoubtedly the couple girls who feigned interest in me would have left to go do something else, and then I would have been there, a drunk idiot by his lonesome.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m helping out because I can, and because I support attempts to make something from nothing. Naturally though, being around cute chicks is a definite perk. I couldn’t sleep until late, as Jenny(the main person I know on the team, my former manager at Castle when I worked there), was ranting to me about her problems, and also it was a cramped tent. Due to that and having some energy drinks(they were free, bwahaha), I felt like I had a hangover in the morning, yet I didn’t drink. Lame!

I’m not friends with James and Cassandra anymore, the family-ish friends who I stayed with when I first moved out of here. Another couple friends, Kayla and Seth, were roomies with James, and he’s kind of a tyrant about things, so they moved out. He ridiculously forced an ultimatum on me of either exiling them and not talking to them anymore, as well as Kayla’s boyfriend Jared, or he would not talk to me anymore. His opinion on this changed from "I won’t hold anything against you if you do" to "well, yeah, I’ll probably hold it against you, yadayadaada". I was going to side with him at first, because I didn’t want to lose my "family", and also I ended up staying there again, but then I realized that it wasn’t my choice to choose in the first place. I was just being dragged into someone else’s problem. So, I called him when I was at Kayla’s to tell him I wouldn’t choose, and that I’d come get my stuff if he wanted to kick me out. And, that’s what happened. Complete with calling me and putting his crying kid on the phone, his mother accosting me while I was getting my stuff, him sitting there and making constant guilt trip comments while I was getting my stuff(he didn’t help, but Jared and Seth did), and of course, the situation being put on Facebook. I asked for my bed, since I kind of well, needed it, and it was, well, mine. I said it wasn’t a big deal if they needed it(his mom was visiting since they just had another kid and was using it), but he insisted it was fine and said it would be at the edge of the driveway…which it was, covered on BOTH sides in pine needles and similar stains. An interesting scenario, as the pine tree/area is not involved in a direct move of furniture from front door to driveway entrance. A TV and a 360 of mine is still over there. I’ve texted to no response.

I was upset at first…I cried a little bit when I was first getting my stuff and getting guilt-tripped, which is rare; before that I cried when I found out Torrey’s mom died, and before that, I honestly don’t remember the last time it happened. I quickly got over the whole thing though, before changing into feeling rage, both at the stupidity of the situation and the fact that he’ll undoubtedly try to screw me out of my stuff. Anyway, he thought I would side with him, or that it would at least devastate me. It didn’t. I simply don’t feel that much anymore. My feelings are fading with time, turning to stone. I don’t necessarily want to destroy them…I might need them someday. I just want to pack them up into a box and put them away in the attic. I don’t know what love is, and I don’t think I’ll find it, so I don’t want to know. I know enough about hate, sadness and spite to know I don’t want to feel them anymore. What I leave behind is optimism, when applicable, maybe a smidge of hope, but not much. Listening to my feelings has only led me to pain and losing out – life seems to be easier when looking at things logically and rationally, realizing there are two sides to every issue.

Bottom line, I’m grateful for what they’ve done for me, but honestly, he is a piece of shit and I’m a worse person for knowing him. He spewed his story to me about how he’s a good person and Jared/Seth/Kayla are evil, soulless people, but that’s incorrect. He’s a horrible person, and if there is a Hell, I’ll be meeting him there someday. I just want my shit back.

That’s pretty much it. I’m now staying with Kayla and Seth, who aren’t charging me for rent, though I help out as I can. I need a job and a place, soon. The MI crew and I are going to get a weekly place if need be and use our plasma money to pay rent, but we’ll slowly fall behind. A place or a job will take the pressure off, as plasma can pay for a place, and a job can help get a place in the first place. I feel very displaced regardless – I’ve moved three times since I left Arizona. Right now I don’t have a place for my computer(though I’m cleaning it out and selling it, I have my iPod and a laptop is on the way for me from Michigan). When I go to OD I always do it at night fo

r whatever reason. I’ve only recently even begun writing lyrics again. I feel the storm is at its tail end though, and better things are on the way. I will have a "posse" soon, we’ll all be equals but I’ll essentially be the leader. I’ll have my own place, or at least, a shared place, not someone else’s place that I stay at. I’ll find a new job. I’ll make another Magic league. I can plan on going back to school and taking martial arts again. There’s a .0012% chance I’ll find a girl. And I can actually take a shot at learning bass and doing something with my life. Good things are to come. I’m curious to see how and when they will arrive.