Beyond the End

I see someone spammed one of my entries. What’s the point? It’s interesting the things people do under a shield of anonymity. Having played a fair amount of League of Legends and seen a few youtube comment pages confirms that. People are e-holes. Anyway, their grammar is horrible, and although they tried to insult my lyrics, I never post those on here anymore. I think I have an idea who it was, but it’s irrelevant. 

It seems like a fitting night to catch up, or at least just rant about the latest and least greatest. I can’t say things are going well, but then again I probably wouldn’t be here if they were. To vaguely get everything up to speed last time:

-Never moved to Portland, my friend backed out.

-I live in a different place with different people now because of that. I also had cancelled my classes that term, which kind of screwed me as well. I’m set to go back next term.

-I still have the same job I don’t really care about. Perhaps because of that, I’ve essentially gotten promoted twice, hah. I just became a phlebotomist, and I can do a bunch of other stuff too. I don’t intend to make it a career but I could if I choose to, the next step is management.

-I finally got another car, after an inconvenient series of events with my old one, including having to pay a bunch of money because it got towed, plus events related to the time and money put into trying to fix the thing, which was for naught ultimately. This one is actually nice, and from a dealership. It’s reliable, but I had to pay a huge deposit, so I am broke for now, but it’s worth it.

That’s basically it. Everything was set to go to Portland. It was by no means perfect, and it would have been difficult, but I was ready. My friend wasn’t. I didn’t talk to him for a while. I think the bitterness has finally left, but I still disregard most of what he says. I’ve learned he’s one of those people who says a lot, and doesn’t act on most of it. He’ll often talk about going up there still, but it’s different each time. No consistency. It will never happen. We had our chance, and it didn’t happen. The dream is dead, and now I live in the aftermath. Nothing really matters to me. That sounds bad, but it’s true. It has been good in some ways. I’ve let go of some of my inhibitions, because, well, what’s the point? This isn’t the way things should have turned out…none of this is. This is some weird false ending that should be included on the DVD extras of the story of my life.

I was really angry, and frustrated for a while. I was pretty motivated as far as music went. I became complacent and stopped practicing. I did spend a lot of time either working or travelling to work, as once I moved here it became an hour bike ride to work. I did that for a while, until someone stole a bunch of stuff off my bike while it was on the rack at work. I didn’t even bother trying to get anything done about it, the cameras out there don’t work anyway. After that I would stay with some friends that lived near work on the weekends, as that’s mostly when I worked, and the buses didn’t run when I needed transportation. I was barely home until getting the car about a month ago. My knees and especially back are still thrashed from all the biking, even though I stopped about four months ago.

Everything else has been business as usual. Sometimes I’m the social person, the one who gets along with everyone, who ends up in the middle of conflicts and has to deal with everyone’s crap. Other times I only want to avoid everyone else. That’s where I’m at in this moment. I’ve felt overwhelmingly meh lately. I’m not sure what I’m doing for New Year’s yet, because I haven’t made a facebook event and bugged everyone about it. That’s the only way something will form, but right now I don’t care. I probably will in a couple weeks. I made a couple attempts at dating, but nothing really went anywhere. I basically held off until getting the car. I found someone I like, someone I’ve known casually for a couple years but never asked out due to the lack of vehicle. We hung out a bunch the first week, and it’s been a couple weeks since then. I never know that moment when things are over, not right at the moment. Soon after I realize it. Momentum stops, and things burn out slowly. Communication lessens, and effort on one end increases, while it wanes on the other side. That’s where it’s at. I wanted to believe this would be different, but it’s not. I figured this person was different, I’ve known her for a while and she’s really sweet. Legitimately there are reasons for the cancelled plans(well, maybe not the day of at the last minute), but my extreme cynicism makes it hard to be objective. I am kind of bummed but have basically moved on.

I am more confident now, a little more accomplished, but seem to occupy the same role, at least in my mind. Things seem to turn out the same, not just with dating. I’m always left wanting. I certainly have an ego, and it’s rarely fulfilled. I don’t feel like I should have to change what I’m doing, I’m too idealistic. And there’s no changing other people, basically ever. I don’t even really bother giving advice anymore. So I just avoid people until I feel better. Well, as I’m able. I work around people all day, so there’s no avoiding that. 

I don’t know where I’m going in life. Well, I do know where I am heading, I just don’t know where I want to end up anymore. I’ll be back in school next term, in four normal terms or three brutal ones I can finish up at the community college I’ve been going on and off to for way too long. Then I can start at the local university, for whatever. I don’t know. At least it’s progress, I’m accomplishing something, even if I don’t care about it. Work is relatively stable. I don’t get involved in the drama, I don’t really hang out with any of my co-workers, so no one seems to dislike me, which is no easy feat there. I have full-time now, paid time off, insurance, all that stuff. Other than improving at phlebotomy there’s really nothing left to do, as I don’t want to move to enter into management training. Things are very stale. I’m so used to moving, or getting a new job, but things are set up to stay this way for a while. Perhaps that’s why dating feels so important. If things are the same, I can at least add a new person into the mix. It does not help that I wasn’t single at this time last year. 

I feel like a constant contradiction. Everything is about balance, and trying to maintain it. I’m either extremely social or disgusted by society. I switch between wanting to create and maintain things, and wanting to destroy them, mostly with people. For example, I have a couple of friends that have been on and off again for the whole time I’ve known them. It finally ended, and it needed to. I’ve listened to both of them, without taking a permanent side. Ultimately I just backed off to let it resolve itself. She moved out, which needed to happen. A few hours ago I missed a couple calls and then got a nasty text from him, basically threatening me and questioning our friendship. If even a quarter of what she’s told me is true, he is a controlling asshole. Plus he doesn’t trust anyone, even me, who has never tried to make a pass on her and have generally dropped whatever I was doing at the time to help them when asked to. He’s still my friend. He’s going through a rough patch and hasn’t been dealin

g with the breakup well. That’s probably why he lashed out on me. It’s easily fixable. I can logically see that. But I don’t want to fix it. I feel the urge to let it rot, or worse, egg it on and then rip into him. If he legitimately wanted to fight, which I don’t believe he does, he’d kick my ass. Mentally, I could destroy him. He doesn’t deserve that, even if he’s being a jerk right now. I don’t know what I’ll do yet. I do know I’m not in an understanding mood, and I’m tired of being the logical one. Tired of fixing and maintaining things that maybe are better off breaking down. I can see my group of friends on a whole is going that way. They talk badly about each other to me, the brief phase of other people organizing hangouts has ended, and less people show up to the ones that I do create. I could probably keep everything going…but why?

I operate more productively when I’m mad. I don’t punch walls, or freak out on people. I play bass, I get stuff done. I’d much rather be angry than feel like the victim. It would be wrong to exploit this situation with my friend in order to have someone to be spiteful against, but it would help out. I know somewhere inside me lies a killer instinct. Something I need to tap into to accomplish the things I want in life. As it is I end up complacent, lazy, forgetful, burned out after work, distracted by friends. Nothing gets done. I feel like I need to evolve, and soon. I don’t want to continue to work a low-paying job, feeling slighted, unappreciated and lonely. It could easily happen. A day becomes a week. Then a month. Then a year. Time is a river, it never stops flowing. 

I’m not sure what the solution is exactly. I can’t just be mad all the time to be productive, that’s not healthy. I also don’t have a way of maintaining it. It’s a little egotistical to say but I’m too rational and well-adjusted for that. I clearly have problems, and I sometimes wonder what exactly would be said if I diagnosed them. I feel like a need a lot of things, but I have to do it myself. I just need to be…better. Everything comes back to self. I’ve felt different from everyone else around me for quite a while. I do things to encourage that notion, but it persists. I rely on other people as little as possible, mostly just the roommates, since I can’t afford living on my own. I don’t know who will be around tomorrow and who won’t, I’m the only constant. So I need to strengthen that. Every time someone does attempt to help me, it doesn’t work. I went out to the one barely passable club in town the other night with the roommates. It was at the insistence of the one who wasn’t single out of the three of us to help us with our lady problems, or something like that. That’s fine, but then he did his best to command all of the attention. I felt like it was defeating the point. I wasn’t expecting anything but it doesn’t seem like a wingman thing to do. Perhaps that’s me being idealistic again. If I were trying to support someone in that situation, I would relent. I sure as hell wouldn’t talk about myself 90% of the time, and I would ensure one of them was the one with his arm around a girl and her hand on his leg at the table after dancing, not myself. I kind of tried to explain that afterward, but either no one else understood it or I wasn’t conveying it properly. Whether it’s him or me, I have to deal with it. Might as well take responsibility. I take responsibility for everything, trying to make things go more smoothly in the future, because I have to deal with it anyway. I feel like a lot of people don’t. Maybe that is my problem.

And that’s basically everything on my mind, and the last few months. There was some cool stuff I left out, like going to Portland and later Seattle again, and there were fun hangouts along the way. Of course, this isn’t objective. It’s more about the bad than good. People focus on the negative. It’s more interesting. That’s why news is almost always bad news, even if it’s distorted or assumed. I wouldn’t say I’m happy being miserable, but it’s hard not to be cynical about anything at this point. It’s late, hopefully I can grab four or five hours of sleep before I have to get up, go donate, and then work all day. Hopefully the duality will shift and I’ll actually want to be around people. Maybe I’ll start using this regularly again, this has been kind of helpful. I have months of other people’s lives to catch up on, which I should do now, because if I don’t, I’ll never get around to it. That’s not a bad problem to have, all things considered.