Why Is It?

This rant is long overdue. I got a late start to the day. Getting out of bed at 10. But since then, I cleaned the kitchen, the kids room, cooked lunched, cleaned thr living room and folded the kids clothes. Apparently doing that pissed Derik off. He has threatened to move out again. But I am no longer upset about it. I know I can do this on my own. He only helps on the periphery anyway. I cannot count on him to do most things. Everything is always half assed. He will clean the dishes only in the sink but not clean the counters or the stove. He will rake one side of the yard and not the other. He will start projects and not finish. Leave them around for the kids to get in to them scream and hit the kids for getting into things.

I started a garden project and he wants to be a part of it but I wont let him. I am building everything on my own and I dont want him to take credit for it. He takes credit for EVERYTHING that I do. I buy Eliza a cute outfit and he says he picked it out. I buy healthy food so I can lose weight and he eats it all. I teach the kids letters and numbers and he comes in and tries to put the attention on himself.

He always has to be the center. I sing a song and he sings louder, over me, drowns me out, sucks my joy, takes my light! Why am I with him? Why did I make three children with him?

I want to cut all my hair off. Go to the gym and regain a fit body. I want to be the woman I always wanted. I want him to support me in that. But he wont. He will make it all about himself. He will say that me going to the gym is to look good for him. That he trained me. That it is all his doing. I want my own. I want my own life. Without him. No matter how hard it may be.