And Again….

This morning Derik started in again. I told Eliza good morning and he yelled from the other room that I was lying to her for some reason. It climaxed to him flushing the toilet while I was in the shower twice. Him leaving shit in the toilet so I would smell it and then him storming out saying he was movinf out YET AGAIN.

Parts of me want to pick up and run. But i worked hard to get into this house. I worked hard to have a yard to garden. I worked hard to keep it together. I just want him to leave. He wont just go though. He has to make it awful for me and the kids. He calls me all these names and says awful shit to my kids. Says he is gunna take the kids from me. Eliza flipped out screaming she wants to stay with me. He said that all I do is abuse them. She said that I dont and she doesnt want to live with him. Eliza is 4. He shouldnt torture her like that. She freaks whenever there is a loud noise. She shakes whenever we argue. Mental breakdowns all the time. He insists that I am the one fucking her up because I tell her to clean up her messes. But it is really him. I have two voicemails where he forced Eliza to call me and tell me to come home cuz “Daddy is leaving forever and we are gunna be alone” I saved the voicemails just in case he tries to do something stupid.

My friend told me to hire a mediator to set up visitation for the kids. Get a protective order against him. Have him kicked out of my house. But… When he is not being a jackass. He is truly awesome with the kids. They adore him most of the time. I am not sure that ripping them away from him is the right thing to do. Im not sure dropping them off at the police station is the right thing for them. I wish he would just go away but I know that he wont.

So I am borderline between ignoring him and living my life to my terms and hoping he goes away, or suspendin my happiness for the next year or two so that my kids will be free…