you suffocate my mind and you penetrate my space

Written Wednesday 22nd September:

“I dont know what is with me. the last 2-4 days, ive noticed a change. im tired. its easy for me to cry. nothing major has to set me off. my moods are swinging. im bloated, and its so bad it hurts. my skin has flared up everywhere.

and tonight it hits realisation that maybe, after 5 months, im finally getting my period. MAYBE. im worried. im really really worried. it was this bad when i was 15.

ST started bu reading an article about 2 people killing themselves. I warned him. I literally said,  i dont want to know, i wont find it entertaining or funny or anything.

I knew it would make me remember.

this year is so hard. everything reminds of 2 years ago. him shouting at me for empathising with them hasnt helped. and that was all it was. empathy. but im not allowed to empathise.

i asked for a hug. not because i condone what they did. but because i was thankful i had someone to stop me from being like them. because i love him.

but no. he carried on. wont hug me for reasons i was upset. “they’re losers. they’re weak”.

like what mum said when i told her. so that set me off just a little bit more.

well done PM. youve really fucked up now.”

 

I dont want to get into what happened. it settled after 10 minutes. in fact he came and said sorry…hence why it stops so abruptly.

what i did want to talk about is this year. this year i was ready for.

its harder to deal with than i realised. ive been back at Hospital W. which is where i was during the first 6 months when i did this whole year. and i really had a bit of a mental aneurysm. i missed my old firm so much. so so so much. and it almost suffocated me. just sitting in that lecture theatre and that canteen and knowing the place so well and remembering how i felt and how lost i was and how i would go home and cry and just how sad i was.

its been 2 years since id been there. and this week, it reminded me of it all. part of the reason i had been so ok with it all up until this week…well, i was in a different environment. Hospital RF was completely off limits the first time. i went there maybe 3 times during SSC week. and that was it. so it is all fresh and new and i dont mind it so much although its not the nicest of the 3 hospitals. so up until now i was ok. but going back to Hospital W…it all came back to me.

and i have this whole new firm. this firm of people. and the first time round it was amazing. i was welcomed. not easily…slowly, but at the pace of my own ability to open up. but this new firm. they kill me. i really almost hate them. and i dont know if its the people, or if its because they arent who i had originally.

i did freshers in first year. i was like those lenor burst technology adverts…i was that little sparkly puff of air that everyone wanted a little whiff of. i was on my game. then i failed and second year came on, and i retracted a little. i grew tired of making effort for people who i realised couldnt care less. and i broke. and then i failed and i couldnt get myself back together. and then i shoved into third year. and i knew what i needed to do to know people, i knew i had to recreate the original PM..i had to bring first year PM back…and slowly, i let it happen. but i was still broken. so easy to hurt. and i didnt realise i was truly broken till it was too late.
then i failed third year and i brought myself back to life. i worked on knowing who i was again, and i did it gradually, but during iBSc year, i made small attempts to know people. i pushed myself to make effort, i made myself go on dates, i got out there and grew in confidence. i met my ST, and have learnt who i am and how i can be a better person because of him. sometimes i wish i could completely reinvent myself to who i used to be. a classy confident girl. but this love thing sometimes stops that. cos it brings up tiny insecurities. and when i do try to be confident and mature, it scares him, and his insecurities play up. so im in limbo and balance and juggling all at the same time. but its something that isnt bad. its not terrible. its fine. because i know at the end of the day, hes still there.

and now im back in 3rd year again. but i dont have the time, energy or mental capacity or age to be THAT good at making friends.

i try. here and there. i DO talk to people. i dont expect to have to be introduced to them formally or make excuses for who i am. i just talk if im in the vicinity and its fine.

but they dont get it. they really dont clock it. and they really dont care to let it grow. unlike my last firm.

there are some people, who i would like to get to know better, who i think i could safely be friends with without feeling threatened or offended, who i could feasibly spend lunches with talking about Jersey Shore and Eastenders. HOWEVER…they dont look at me. they think im the weirdo girl who sits at the back of the class and doesnt talk. fine, its true i guess, i kinda do, do that…but please dont hit me with looks of disgust and surprise when i break a smile to initiate acknowledgement that i DO know who they are and that we are to spend the next 6 months together.

so i rule them out, and i think to myself, give them time…theyll end up being forced to attend teaching with me and they will have to learn me a little. so until then, just sit tight, and eventually they will have a chance to know how awesome i can be.

then there are the confident ones. the ones that know nothing about anything but pretend they know everything and end up getting remembered by teachers. theres one girl. she pisses me off. shes attention seeking, and unfortunately, is rewarded for her scavenging abilities. the doctors REMEMBER her. shes uber keen and fucking annoying. and i think she sees me as unnecessary. where as most would look to me for guidance given ive been through it all before, shes clocked the fact that..hang on…shes been through it before…and she failed…she is therefore beneath me. the type that wont ask me, what should i do to pass, but will ask me “what did you do to fail?”. and what am i supposed to say to a question like that by the way? i failed because i spent the year unable to focus, concentrate or care about my career because i was crippled by fear of myself and the longing to want to kill myself because i felt no shadow of love in my life? yeah, thats how you make friends.

and there are the inbetweeners. the ones that sort of drift in drift out…not because theyre like me. but because

they dont know what the hell theyre doing. and they will ask me for advice, and take it all on board, and on one side, im grateful for it, and i think that they are the luckiest people in the world, because i would have loved to known someone in my position just because i probably wouldnt have fucked up so majorly. and then on the other side, i hate it, because at the end of the day, these are the people that arent going to help me back. they are the ones that will use me for all i can give them and pass with amazing results and i’ll be left behind in the darkness failing all over again. how do i know this? cos of the bitches told me that she found me “intimidating”. the only girl i could barely talk to, and apparantly i scare her because shock horror, im not a beginner and i know how to do examinations…because hey, the first time round, it wasnt skill i lacked it was pure confidence. and now i finally have it, im doing well, only to be told that i basically shouldnt show off because its scaring the other kiddies.

theres a couple of guys i can kinda talk to here and there. theres JA…who is quiet and nice to everyone, but has a group of asian friends who i think he prefers to hang out with when he can. fair enough, you know who you are and you know your place, and you like your friends and you will always have them, and they will always have you. sometimes i dont mind chatting with him…but sadly hes a little…obvious. theres no wit or humour apart from random small musings about “living in the city” as opposed to the country. nothing challenging. just…nice. HW is a guy from my iBSc who was, what i thought to be, a bit rude. me and CF would see him on the train and stuff, and he would basically actively ignore us. back then i thought he was a dick. but now i realise he was just unsure of how to approach us. we must have looked like we WANTED to be isolated. but either way, i have a small joke with him here and there. again, hes generally nice, and will converse with anyone..hes just generally funny as a person. the crazy weirdo.

and thats it. i havent found a clinical partner. and i need one. i REALLY need one. its when you find your clinical partner that you can relax. the first time round, the first 6 months, i had IJ. a life-saver. the most sociable and crazy and loud one in our group…but you could still make fun of her without her taking it personally, and i was her clinical partner. brilliant. the second half of the year i had RS. partly because we were the only girls on our firm, and it was GREAT. i miss her so much.

but i dont have anyone in this new crazy weird firm that likes to climb 8 flights of stairs.

and what makes it about TWENTY million times worse is that the friends that i have BY MIRACLE managed to obtain for myself are on different firms. i am a loser. i have become MK. that girl that would tag on to our firm. ew. how gross is that?!

anyway, i start proper proper flung into the next 11 months of my life on monday. ive ended up taking the last 4 days off. the first was because i was tired. the other 3 because ive genuinely not been feeling well. last night was the cherry on the icing when i actually had to cut a phonecall to use the bathroom. i started crying on the loo.

hopefully i’ll be ok for tonight. gonna do some actual studying now.