you left my heart high

i am lying here.

the balcony door is wide open and the leaves are moving furiously with the wind. the fan rumbles in time. 

there is darkness. but a blue flicker on the ceiling.

you are asleep. a soft growl when you inhale.

i turn and lie on you. i can hear the pulse in your arm. my chest is on yours. you breathe warm air on my forehead. i feel like i can feel your heartbeat pounding. my leg is on yours. not entwined, but there can be no separation.

there is rhythm in the silence.

i have never been so comfortable. i never knew that first night we slept beside each other, that i would ever be able to be so comfortable as i am now. i was so nervous, and now i want it to never end. you are so completely mine. 

we are two bodies. that’s all. how did we become like this? when did we become so one-bodied?

how come it is so natural?

and i think back to when i yearned for you. dreamt of the man i would marry. dreamt of what would eventually be mine. wondered what part of me you would love the most. my hip? my thigh? my shoulders? the back of my neck? no. you love my stomach. i wondered if you would love what i hated the most. it used to be my legs. you would tell me that you loved my thighs the most. maybe because i was so insecure about them. and then over time and age, it became my stomach, and i forgot that you would ever even love any part of me. and now here i am. living the fantasy of a 13 year old. 

and i think back to when i needed you. when i had wished and prayed that someone would come into my life and just hold me. hold me when i needed you the most. and you do. and sometimes you don’t. but mostly you do. 

maybe one day i’ll forget all this. and maybe one day i will hate you instead. that is what happens to all people right? so maybe i will. i don’t want to, but i have to be realistic, and perhaps i will. and if that does happen, i want to remember what i once felt. i hate the idea of this love being ripped away from me. for whatever reason. but one day, however it happens, it will happen. through disdain or death. it will happen. 

this is why they say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.