you know how to whistle don’t you?

i thought i had it lucky. that my boyfriend understood. that he understood how inexperienced i was. that i didnt really know what i was doing. that everything i did took time. and that i needed more of it. and that maybe when i was ready.

i thought he knew that when i give him a blow job my mouth cant sustain it for that long. and that when i try with my hand, im too scared of hurting him. and even then i try, and today i really did. and today my arm started hurting. and i thought he understood.

but he doesnt.

if he left me in the middle, and told me he couldnt go on…i would understand. i would never tell him i wasnt happy. i would never not appreciate it.

so now im sitting here and i have to sort it out myself. cos this is my problem.

its not enough that i feel inadequate already. im not a stupid girl. i know i dont satisfy my boyfriend. i know that my boyfriend is frustrated. but i also know that im not ready for sex. i also know that a little part of me feels wrong when i give him a blowjob. i love how connected to him it makes me feel. but a little innocent scared part of me just feels wrong. but i dont say anything. i swallow my innocence and i pretend that love is enough to not feel like a bad person.

did he expect me to carry on? he never said i love you. he never reached for me to hug him. like he usually does. this time he didnt. and i was lying there with my saliva on my hand. so i waited. i waited for him to say i love you and to reach for me and hug me. but he didnt. so i asked if i could go wash my hand. and he said “fine just go”. and i said bub…please…and he still didnt hug me. he still didnt say i love you. so i got up to wash my hand.

and that was my mistake. cos apparantly i made him feel like he was dirty on my hand or something.

nevermind the number of times ive done it before and not got up and instead ive hugged him and kissed him and said i love you. nevermind that usually he initiates that, and instead, i was made to feel entirely inadequate. i DID feel dirty. i still do. i feel like im not good enough.

wanna talk about dirty? how about when i asked him for oral sex and he refused because i wasnt waxed? how was that supposed to make me feel? did i say anything? did i say a GODDAMN THING? no. BECAUSE I FUCKING UNDERSTOOD. because there are some parts of sex that might be gross, but you do it because it makes the other person feel good. but i understood that it pushed his limits. and that he couldnt. and i thought he understood too. apparantly not.

and now this is my problem. im the one thats causing an argument apparantly. it doesnt matter that i feel like nothing. he said i love you a hundred times after. yeah i know.

apparantly i shouldnt ask if hes mad, when i know he is. because him snubbing me is so much better. him turning away and making me feel like nothing feels so good in comparison.

apparantly now, when im not feeling good about myself, when i come here to vent so that i can find some sort of peace, clarity and stop myself spiralling….its childish. it was childish before when i would try and talk to him. and now its childish that i pick myself up to sort myself out. im so sick of this. im so sick of doing everything he says and taking his shit on my chin while he cant even handle anything i say. im so sick of being a sack of sand.

yeah, I WILL FUCKING ASK IF YOURE MAD because guess what, you WERE. and instead of fucking telling me, instead of trying to air it out, this is what i get instead. and i still apologised. i still fucking apologised. i still said sorry. sorry for him thinking i was calling him dirty. and did i get an apology back? no. i get a lecture about how im childish. how i cause arguments. how i twist what people say and dont appreciate what im given.

thats me. argumentative unappreciative selfish bitch. all because i couldnt finish my boyfriend’s blowjob.

thanks.