why can’t he play a song for me?

 i hate hurting like this. i hate when it fee like my tears are falling out of my bucket for a heart. i hate that it feels like it’s in a vice. My tears taste of blood and metal. like i’ve been kicked in my mouth. like my face is disjointed and crumbling.

i thought i was something special. in my little head i made up this scenario that he was there waiting for me. waiting for me to say something. waiting to see if i was ok. 

I’m not, and he wasn’t. 

he was making me less unique. less of a large part of his world, less of an aspect. just less.

i am so alone. and i wont stop being alone tomorrow. and the day after, and the day after that. this isnt going away. i dont want to be here. i dont want to be there. 

i made up in my head he would message me and tell me to call. and i would say no. because i never wanted to hurt like this. and whe i tried to talk before, it ended here so there is nothing more to say. 

and then i have to pretend that nothing matters. that this never happened. that i am not scarred by it at all. that i havent been abandoned. 

nobody knows, no one has a clue. that i am sitting here knowing i am invisible, and wishing i really was. because then the reason why i am hurting this much would be true. 

why am i not allowed to be loved the way i need to be. 

i cannot even put into words the hurt i am feeling. i have been abandoned. i need a fucking hug. there is not a single person who understands that here. there isnt a single person that could or would. nobody to tell me it will be ok. no one to tell me i will never have to be alone. thats all i need. someone to tell me that i will never be alone. and mean it. and be able to show me it.