what’s a God to a non-believer

what can i say? the last month has been complex.

after exams, i met ST’s mum. was fine. and normal. and lovely. and she did a little ceremony to invite me into the family.

and then the next day, his mum, brother and wife, and daughter came to our house. which was awkward. and kinda stupid. and i hate my dad, and my parents, and my sister-in-law was stupid and annoying. fake ass bitch.

anyway, i think im over it. or i dont want to talk about it.

then everything has started escalating. im going to India next week to meet ST’s dad, and the rest of his family. and im not feeling weird about it. at least i get to spend a day with just me and mum. without dad. we’re setting dates. and we’re doing some small ceremonies. and it seems a june/july wedding is on the cards. 

im not organising this wedding whilst doing final year at the same time. BUT, i have a month off after exams (to do all the prep), and then 3 weeks after graduation to get married and go on a honeymoon before having to work.

if i fail final year, i lose the month after exams and resit. and the wedding gets postponed till winter.

in other news…i spoke to the sister. and i was kinda tolerating it all at the time, but the more i think about it in my head, the sadder i get. and the more disappointed.

she has not changed. she’s on some new guy. and she’s cut people out of her life. and as she was telling me stuff, the more i kept thinking, i cannot believe im still in 2008.

worst thing is who she has cut out. and how she did it. and how she is going about it. and how she is still lying.

she told me she cut out RST because she made fun of her friend’s name. turns out according to mum, (who heard from the helper), that my sister had latched on to some guy who had recently been divorced, had several kids, and was offering LEAVING his kids, for my "so attractive sister". RST shouted at her, and asked her what the fuck she was thinking (as a married woman of 6 years), and therefore, my sister cut her out. guess what my sister-in-law said? "ohhh…he sounds so lovely! go for it!". she did what she did 4 years ago. encouraged a load of nonsense for her own gain. she befriends my sister, family arguments happen, and my sister runs to help her out.

my sister sat there and told me she doesnt trust a lot of people, but she does trust my sister in law. makes no sense whatsoever. if there was ever a snake in the grass, it is her. but she only trusts her because she tells her what she wants to hear.  

i cannot explain how disappointing it is. and how i dont feel just anger. i feel worried. my sister needs genuine help. GENUINE. but she has a personality disorder, and nothing serious enough to have her committed, and nothing real enough to actually treat. she is just crazy. (and i dont mean that in the derogatory sense of – all people with psych issues are "crazy"- i mean it in the absurd sense). 

this guy that she is seeing at the moment. she is already diving so far in, and although she has more insight into herself, and how she deals with relationships, the way she is behaving about it all is creeping me out. i dont need to know about every detail of their relationship. i dont want to know. and she needs to stop comparing my almost 3 year serious relationship to a 6 week fling in Milan.

i found a travel journal in her room. and of course i read it. it was from 2008-09 weirdly enough. it was the creepiest thing i had ever seen. it was all these love letters to that doctor guy she was obsessed with. love letters and poems, and dreams about how they would live together, and how monumentous their meet was, and how much she could see them sharing a life together. 

and yet she never mentions me. 

she mentions AM. that she spoke with her over facebook, and that she felt better after. but she never mentions me. at all.

not even in passing. not even a reference. its like i dont exist. 

she has no insight into what she did. she was bitching about my dad. telling me how awful he is, and how she had to cut him out, and how he was so abusive…and yet, she did it to me. 

and she was sitting there asking me what it was that made me stop talking to her, and i didnt say much, cos i figured it didnt really matter, but she kept pushing, and i told her it was in part that doctor, and in part AM, and it was like she assigned the blame immediately to them without questioning her own actions. but the diary confirmed it all. she has NO idea. 

and everything has since slot into place. everything we spoke of, everything i thought was as normal as could be, when i think about it, and let it all sink in…it was all dripping in bitterness, and coldness, and insanity. it was all gathering information to make herself feel better about herself. 

she still doesnt care. and maybe it’s because she doesnt understand how to. it’s almost like watching a serial killer with no remorse faking his way through an interview with only freedom in mind. 

sick.