we’re running up that hill

 so it’s definitely time to unload. a lot.

exams are in a week. i am about 2/3 through the revision i need to do. and thats a lot. im stressed but complacent. i care but i dont. i want to pass and everything inside me is screaming but i think ive completely given up on my career. somewhere the light has switched off, and ive spent about 3 years trying to find the switch, but ive almost given up. one final last attempt perhaps? 

ST has been great throughout it all. we’ve had a couple of fights. big ones. but, other than that, he’s actually been really supportive. he’s just managed to get himself a great new job, and in the interim of being unemployed and starting, he left for India last night. i was kinda ok until i had to leave his place…then everything inside me died a little. i think maybe while i was there my brain assumed he would come back in a little while, and it would be ok to just climb into his bed and wait for him to wrap himself around me and sleep. but i had to make the journey back here. alone. in my cold car. and then i got here and couldnt sleep. and then i was forced into waking up in an empty flat with no food but the loaves of bread he made me before he left which i can’t bring myself to eat without him. i really miss him. so much. i go through waves of being able to handle him gone. it’s ridiculous, he’s not even gone for that long! he’s coming back this week…but i think the fact that exams are next week and my stress levels are high means i crave comfort more. 

plus i think i have tonsilitis again. this always happen. in the run up to exams when im feeling run down…my throat is so sore. normally i can move past it if i havent been sleeping with the covers…but last night my hair was completely dry, the window was closed, no fan, and i had the covers on all night. i am definitely sick. what makes it all worse is that i have been hanging around sick little shitheads for the past 3 months, and NOW it affects me. NOW, when its 7 days before exams my tonsils decide to give up and make me feel like crap. thanks.

ST wasn’t going to go last night. two minutes before his cab arrived he decided he wouldnt. fuck the money he spent on the ticket, i was too important. and i had been being so strong all day, then when it came down to it, i actually cracked and told him i didnt really want him to go. but then he realised he had to. and he kinda fucked up…but he’s going to buy a ring. i was telling him that he could go maybe at christmas..and he said he couldnt. and i decided that, then maybe he could meet my parents. then out of the blue he bolted up and said he HAD to go to India now cos he had to buy something out there. and i probed him about what, and he wouldnt tell me, and just smiled…and it took a couple minutes of shock that he had changed his mind so quickly but it dawned on me that he might going to buy a ring. and we kinda semi-laughed and semi-stressed looked at each other. and we kinda semi-discussed it. 
i always say that he’s the one. and that he’s the one i want to be with forever…but now…it’s suddenly become real. like, he’s actually buying a ring. a ring i’ll have to wear. and im scared. and the first thing i thought is…is he sure i’m the one? how can he be so sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? im nothing. sometimes i really dont get why he loves me so much. why he believes in me so much. and its all kinda fucked in my head. and i feel happy when i think he’s buying it for me…and that in the few months-distant future he’s gonna propose….but then i feel scared when i think of what it means. and how unstable i feel with all this uni crap…SO unstable. how can i commit to someone when i dont even know where my life is heading?

i can’t really talk to anyone about it either. everyone has exams (CF). or are in paris (SN) or are in new york (SK). or have better things to be worried about (SL). or i havent spoken to them in ages (MN). or are boys (AFB). 

SL’s dad died. i dont think i ever mentioned previously that he was ill. she wasnt even here when it happened. an impromptu holiday that she didnt even want to go on. theres so much i could talk about with regards to how some of her friends handled it. but im more annoyed at how im handling it. i have not been there for her at all. i was there for her when i found out. and i was there for her on the day of the funeral. and i texted her consistently every day for a week, and then every other day, and now sporadically. WTF is wrong with me? i want to be there for her. i want to go and stay with her or at least stay close, but these fucking exams. and at first i would feel guilty for being allowed to have fun. and now i dont. and i feel like the worst friend in the world. i really wish i could be there for her. i keep wondering how i would feel in her situation…and im pretty sure she doesnt mind..and that she gets that i have exams…and that i can’t be there…and i wouldnt resent her for being busy, and for doing stuff, and getting on with her life. but i resent me for doing it. i resent myself for forgetting whats happened. i resent that i havent persistently tried calling her, and that when the phone is ringing part of me is wishing that no one picks up…
it’s because theres nothing i can say or do that will take that hurt away. and i know that. and it kills me i cant help her. it bugs me so much that i have an idea of what she might be going through, because i get her…but theres nothing i can say that she doesnt already know. so instead i just show that im thinking about her. i drop her a mini-text of valueless information enquiring how she is, knowing she won’t reply and never will..not yet anyway. and it feels so contrived when i (remember to) do it. but i just hope she understands that im just trying to show her i love her, and that she doesnt have to feel alone. 
of all people in the world she was the last person i would have ever wanted to go through this. SL has always had an innocence about her. not a naivety..she’s not dumb…just a pureness. an inability to harm or hurt with intention. so why does it have to happen to her? i feel like she’s having to mature. and that’s fine, she had been pondering maturity for a while…but why did she have to be forced into it like this? i’m not going to say it isnt fair, because who is to say what is and what isnt…i would say that it just makes me sad to see it happen to her. i think a little piece of her will always be sad from now on. and that kills me. 
i figured she could go either one of 2 ways. she’ll either retract herself completely, become quieter, and keep herself to herself. or she’ll become more angry. more likely to snap. fed up of trivial things and the fact that people might throw them her way. intolerant of crap. 
both routes are horrible. both are the opposite of her. 
When MN’s dad died…it kinda happened to her too. but it was different…she sort of lost her ability to be free…she became sensible and reasoned. and although it’s been more than 3 years now…and she’s accepted what happened, and has moved on to a newer life…there was a

change. but it didnt appear to be that negative. she cut out the crap from her life, and grew up…but she didnt let her dad’s death haunt her.
i’m worried that SL’s change might be negative. and i hope she doesnt carry guilt on herself forever. 
the funeral was heart wrenching. she wouldn’t stop crying. i hate that this happened to her. 

i feel a little like ive maybe dealt with how im feeling. maybe i can carry on without feeling stifled.