unthinkable

i got home yesterday. finally. i called dad first thing. he sounded happy. he sounded ok. then i called ST. he was so excited to hear me.

SK pissed me off again. this time to a point that it bothers me i went on holiday with her. it bothers me that i consider her a friend. i was at her place when we got back. after i spoke to ST, i turned to her to talk about the holiday.

i asked her if it was wrong of me to have given ST a blowjob…given that everyone else i know says they wouldnt even think about it. she didnt really say anything. so i just simply said “its ok though, cos i love him, so it doesnt really matter”.

this is the response i got:

“love is a strong word. you’ve only been with him for 6 months”.

i immediately felt like i’d outstayed my welcome.

i called my mum when she went to the loo. i went home.

it broke my heart that she felt like that about it. it breaks my heart that shes making me feel like its really wrong of me to be in love. wrong of me to have feelings for someone.

it makes me feel like she wants me to be like these other girls. who had to fight through the games and bullshit only to cheat on their boyfriends who theyve had for 3 years.

 

and its kinda ironic. she clearly doesnt know me. she clearly thinks im stupid. maybe shes under the impression that shes slowly mindwashing me. but ive picked up on her game. and it only makes me more determined to be with him. to prove that we can make it.

 

i get why shes doing it. ive clocked certain moments from the holiday. the night i cried, she got fed up with me then. thats when she stopped caring to hang out with me…unless she had a problem with PS…then she came running.

i get that she reckons im too swayed by ST. the time i got upset in new york cos he hadnt contacted me properly…she jumped all over it. i was fine. i was moving on from it, i didnt need petting and being told itd be ok. i didnt bring it up. SHE did. “seriously dude, dont worry about it…im sure hes got his reasons”. at the time i thought she was saying it to reassure me…she was saying it to persuade me to forget about him.

the time i cried in miami because i suddenly felt lonely and missed him. she got annoyed. really annoyed. in her head “for fucks sake, i cant take how besotted she is with him”. not wishing to get to the actual root of the problem, which was only heightened because i was DRUNK..she assumed the inevitable.

and i get why. because i cut myself that time. that one time i cracked under all the pressure in my life. but what she doesnt get is that my cutting had been building. i had been sensing it from the moment i came home from that family fight. that night i felt it. i felt a need to. and luckily i had ST to calm me down. but when he wasnt there to calm me down…when he got mad at me…i felt trapped. i felt no release from anywhere else. it wasnt him that made me cut. it was feeling trapped. and yes, normally hes my release, but just once, he wasnt. and he chose the wrong time to not be, but i know im not easy. i know i make it difficult. SO difficult.

and instead of just telling me how shes feeling, instead of just talking to me like an adult. she chooses to play this little game of “lets try to brainwash PM”.

im not stupid. im really not.

 

my dad gave my mum divorce papers while i was in the US. she told him she wouldnt sign them until i was married. ST reckons it was a scare tactic.

SK told me that my family would be fine. my dad wouldnt be that crazy. thanks for the support SK. in SO many ways you’ve shown me how much you really listen and care about me.

ENOUGH.

im done being made to feel like i exaggerate everything. im done being made to feel like my problems are irrelevant. im done with people talking about things at inappropriate times. im DONE being your buffer. im done being THE buffer.

 

yesterday seeing ST…it was incredible. i fell asleep after he called…and then next thing i knew he was knocking on my door. i missed him so much. we got to doing stuff pretty much immediately. and it was SOOOOOOOOO good i was damn horny.

we kissed and fumbled a bit. he was touching me and discovered my bikini wax and he got even more excited. half way through his normal routine i asked him a tiny little question…”(will you go down on me?)”. i felt so ashamed to ask. but he nodded and moved their immediately.

OH. MY. GOD. it was incredible. it felt cold against me cos i was so hot. but it was wet. and smooth. a little painful. a little confusing. but it was good. and thinking about it makes me horny. and woah. i asked him how it was…what it tasted like…he said “you”. i had stripped off the rest of my clothes in the meanwhile. they came off so easily.

after what felt like a while, i needed him close to me again. he kissed me. softly. and continued to move his fingers.

eventually i knew it was time. i helped and i came. daaaaaaamn hard. my whole body went stiff. and my toes curled. he had been between my legs. i asked him to hold me. he moved to my side and grabbed me close. we lay like that for a while. i could taste bits and pieces of me when i kissed him. hints and essences of me lingering on his lips. he held me so close. he held me like i was his woman. like i belonged to him. like he couldnt live without me. like he wanted to surround himself with me. like he just wanted to be closer…inside me if he could have been…he wore me like he wanted to drape my skin over his and let our bodies entwine and let our skins melt into each other so we were one.

(he did that all night.)

then i jumped out of bed and showed him souvenirs and presents. he was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of me. my legs we around his waist. it was cute. he kept pulling me closer and kissing me. i showed him the little presents i got from new york, miami and the bahamas i got for his niece. then i gave him the bottle of belvedere vodka i got for him from the airport. (he likes vodka). he loved it.

then we kissed some more. then we got up and he cooked me risotto for dinner. and i sat and talked to him and watche

d him cook. then we ate together from one bowl on my bed watching random stuff on bbc i player. and then we snuggled up and got into bed and lay together. i put on james morrison you give me something and we cuddled.

i gave him a blowjob. i stopped when my mouth started hurting and it felt like he was going a bit soft. he hugged me and kissed me and told me it was incredible.

 

then i couldnt sleep. something felt uneasy. something felt dread-full. like something was going to go wrong. my dad beating down the door. my dad divorcing my mum. my dad stopping me from spending my life with ST.

i told ST i had the feeling i was going to have to make a decision soon. like i was at a fork in my life. the road could go either way.

he told me that  no matter what decision i made, whatever the path i took, he’d be there waiting for me either way. he told me not to follow his path. not to go where people wanted me to. to make my own decision. to take the decision. and that no matter what happened, he’d be there for me.

i told him about all the stuff with SK. he told me not to worry. he told me what others told me. that shes not in a relationship so she wouldnt understand.

 

i clocked something in the limo on the way to SPACE club in miami….these guys we’d been hanging with…one of them said something to JW and she didnt understand what the hell he was on about.

“how can you know about love when you havent been in it?”.

he said this to JW. she said…who are you talking about?!

“dont worry about it…”…..

we all laughed when we heard it. something in my head switched though. he was talking to SK. she had just told the random girl “can you tell her to stop being so serious about him…shes only been with him for 6 months!”. it was right after this random girl asked if any of us had found love.

i said i had.

“have either of you found love yet?”

yeah! i haaaaave!

-can you tell her to not be so serious already! shes only been with him for 6 months

“how can you know about love when you havent been in it?”

–who are you talking about?!

“dont worry about it…”……

thats how it all went. i may have been drunk but only i know about this conversation. i was sitting opposite the random girl. and random boy to my left…sitting opposite to SK…and JW to HIS left.

thats how the conversation went. only SK thought only me and and the random girl and her were having that conversation. and only the random boy knew he was in the conversation as well. and JW thought he was having a conversation just with her. only he wasnt.

why was he in on the conversation? he was watching SK. he was listening to everything she was saying. he really liked her. so naturally he was paying attention to what she was saying. and he said what he said because he wanted to challenge her on the fact that she had never been in love. as if to say “you’ve never been in love…i could be that guy”.

i may have been drunk. CRUNK. but i clocked it all when JW told us what he said. i knew who he was talking about. i knew why he said it.

 

im happy. im really happy. ive just got a feeling that im too happy. that im not allowed to be this happy. that someone or something is going to take it all away from me.