unpretty

i dont need to explain my diary to anyone again. thats not why im writing here…i just wonder…

i dont usually check my notes as often any more. simply because i stopped receiving as many as i once did. and partly because i barely write for anyone to note.

lo and behold i have one on my last entry. 

"ugly".

i dont know who might have written it, because the writer didnt have the guts to make themselves known…fair enough, i dont expect you to…thats why i have that option. but if you’re going to write something as ambiguous and potentially judgemental…surely you should give the other person to justify themselves?

ive re-read my entry. to me it sounds like a mini-rant. me on my period and being fed up and lonely and sad. and irritated by the medical student "race" that think they are elite. 

why is that ugly?

i havent said anything specifically horrible. for all i care, the person i spoke about, is actually nice to talk to…doesnt mean i have to agree with her undertones of attitude…

is it because i bad-mouthed the medical profession? is that what makes my entry ugly? but then…im in the medical profession. im scraping my way through the years to get even deeper into the medical profession. and ive spent my life surrounded by the medical profession. i KNOW the medical profession. i know that every medical student deep down, no matter how much they try to cover it up, i know that at some stage during their career, they LOATHE their career. even the ones at the top. even the ones that never had to struggle. even them.

or is this person simply referring to my style of writing? maybe ive lost my ability to be as deep as i used to be. it is true that my deepest darkest emotions come out when im a tiny person in the middle of a hurricane of wreckage of emotion. i never said i was a good writer though. and i dont write to write. i write because its my diary.

perhaps they feel that the content of the entry was an ugly topic. maybe theyre on my side, and think that medicine truly is ugly. 

 

and yet i cant shake this feeling of criticism. my initial thought was that maybe the one person i spoke of as an example had found me and figured it all out. and now id have an awkward confrontation with someone who knew who i was in my secret diary. 
but its my diary. and i cant help what i write. its just my mind at the time. and if that is the case, then i can only apologise that my words were harsh. but i cant apologise for the way i felt. and i cant apologise for writing it. i anonymise. i never mention names. i never mention locations. not only to protect myself but the also the people i write about. but my hurt and upset and guilt would be justified. as would their comment. 

im sure many situations can be understood from the telling of a story. a person recognises something ive reiterated to be their own quotes…but by anonymising it…theres always a chance that maybe..just MAYBE…its not about you…maybe its a coincidence. (they do happen).

but if its not. if it is someone completely random…i wonder if they consider the damage they do with one word. that one word that can’t be explained. that one word that makes a person feel so low. that makes a person contemplate themselves over and over and over. that makes them second-guess their emotions and feelings at a time of angst. like they have no right to have them…i wonder…

if it is someone random…i havent made a personal attack on you…so what gives YOU the right to make one on me? if that is the case…
i havent judged you…so what gives YOU the right to judge me?
what makes it all so much more unbearable is that even if it had been me…if i had read an entry that i didnt like, that i didnt agree with, for whatever reason……i wouldnt have written anything so……inconclusive. i wouldnt have bothered. nor would i have hidden behind anonymity as if i was ashamed of my opinion. 
if you wish to start a war, you ought to fight it…especially if you don’t show any signs of peace.

it makes me think… what a coward of a person. 

 

so here i am. still in my dingy little room in the middle of nowhere. freezing myself to death. 

just wondering. 

what makes me so ugly?