undeserved title.

 now this is something that has begun to bother me. so much that i couldnt sleep last night. and i think if im not sleeping, it warrants an entry.

it WILL be in italics, because this is addressed to the members of this website.

let me clarify one thing first. THIS DIARY IS PERSONAL. IT IS AS PERSONAL AS HAVING A LITTLE BOOK HID UNDER MY BED. IT IS ME. My reasons for having this diary online is multi-factorial.

1) It is much easier to access the internet anywhere in time and space, and much easier to type up crazy emotions than it is to write it all down using pen and paper.

2) this is more secure. no one knows my password…heck no one knows my username…SO…no one can find it and get offended by my passive aggressive emotions that fleet through my head.

3) it is easier to document the time. it is easier to document the date. 

4) when i write i dont feel like im writing to myself. even though i write personally, even though i write as though no one is listening (unless written in italics)…i still feel like im being heard. one of my biggest frustrations in my life is feeling trapped because i feel like no one is listening. writing online semi-publically…it gives me the oppurtunity to write how im feeling and not feel trapped…it frees me. 

 

Now let me clarify a few things about the diary itself. I toyed with colours for a while…for some reason grey stuck with me. i went from blue to green..i think even pink and red at one point. but grey just works.

the picture…its cute. its as girl dancing (i like to dance)…and its a blue elepant (representing how i feel about myself…blue..sad…elephant…fat…) it’s not only a cute picture..but i think it reflects the 2 personalities i have…the happy little girl and the ominous depression that comes and goes.

the way that i write…i dont write for others. i write for myself. i write to vent my feelings. my frustrations. my thoughts. i dont write to entertain. i write to be free of my own dark and twisted mind.

my diary name. NOW, this has recently been attacked as part of a tirrade against someone else’s entry. why? i dont know. fairly? not really. with any assumptions made about who i am? yes. for any good reason? dont think so. was the attack personal for no reason? VERY MUCH SO.
i dont know what regular readers feel about my entries, i dont know what passers by think about my entries…as far as i was concerned..i have NEVER put my opinion or thoughts or statements down as a MEDICAL STUDENT. only as myself. maybe because my diary is PERSONAL? the name medic girl arose a while ago. perhaps about 4 years ago now…when i was studying for 2nd year resits. it seemed apt. i was mega-stressed with uni work, so yunno what..it made sense to call myself medic girl to anonymise myself. i would trawl self help chatrooms looking for someone to talk to…anyone to talk to…and given my problems seemed to be stemming from the crushing situation i was in…medic girl just worked.

and so it stuck with me. 

calling myself medic girl has NOTHING to do with me really being a medical student any more. i dont diary and reflect on situations i have been in at medical school. i dont recount all the patients i see every day. i talk about me. i talk about my life. my feelings. my sadnesses, my angers (hence this entry), and sometimes my joys.

finally, my title entry. when i adopted this diary, i was doing clinics. i was learning about taking historys from patients…and how to document them. i felt like maybe this diary would be a log of my years to come. so hey, i wrote my title like an entry into a patients notes. it just made sense to me. it still makes sense to me. what else would anyone ever need to know about me? this diary displays a history..of someone with the initials PM…who is a 23 year old female. 

i havent really intentionally brandished myself as solely a doctor of any kind…and i think it is quite presumptuous of someone to assume i have…i dont barge around making notes on other entries with the attitude of “ALL HAIL, I SPEAK THE GOSPEL BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN MEDICAL MATTERS”…no…im a little more broad-minded, and little more intelligent, and somewhat more heartfelt than that. 

well i like to think i am.

 

now why is this entry really necessary…i’ll put this in capitals for people to really understand what im writing…

THIS DIARY IS PERSONAL…IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. PERSONALLY ATTACKING MY DIARY NAME, MY DIARY LAYOUT, MY DIARY ENTRIES..MEANS YOU ARE PERSONALLY ATTACKING ME.

how shall i start to clarify the things which have been said to me..i could quote..but i dont want random people noting me again for NO REASON.

i will say the following…

when i wrote notes of INFORMATION on someone elses entry…it was purely factual. not just that, but it was in response to someone elses narrowminded shortsighted and misinformed notes. i was merely correcting her. i didnt attack her. i didnt attack the subject. i didnt know who the subject was. i wasnt even talking about the subject…i was just correcting a few mistakes…

did i correct these mistakes pompously? i dont think so…in fact i admit i am not wholly knowledgeable about these things…the last thing i did write on the matter is that in my OPINION…etc etc etc…

the only thing i did conclude with was “you cant argue against something you dont know about…i dont eat meat but i dont tell people how to eat their steaks”…ie..if you dont really know everything there is to know..you cant say that someone else is wrong.

now i know what you’re thinking…thats a little contradictory of me…surely thats what i did when i corrected her? I NEVER SAID I KNEW EVERYTHING. I NEVER SAID I WAS RIGHT AND SHE WAS WRONG. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING RUDE. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING PERSONAL. I MERELY SAID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT JUST SO THIS MISINFORMED PERSON COULD SEE THE FLIPSIDE OF WHAT SHE WAS ADAMANT ABOUT…

but yet i forgot. humanity has lost its way. people dont like to see other peoples points of view…they like to headbutt with their own. i understood her point of view. i understood what she

was saying. i didnt even talk about the stuff she was arguing about…what i did..was just correct a few misinformed things.

and btw…i didnt even say anything INCORRECT, for someone to act like what i said was wrong and i was just using my diary name as a means to get everyone to listen to my wrong advice. i didnt give advice (apart from the whole point of…dont argue what you dont know about).. what i said is genuinely true. i didnt say it rudely. uncomprehensively. i havent said anything WRONG as it were.

SO SUCK IT UP BITCH.

for a “doctor” to insult me indirectly in a note that doesnt even have anything to DO with me…basically saying that im brandishing my diary name as a means to make my point…its pretty unprofessional. and in fact..what she said i was doing…she kinda did it herself…*HYPOCRISY*. talking about how her name shouldnt fool anyone, and how shes actually very qualified to give opinion blah blah blah…and then to say that i was doing exactly that…well no. i never started my posts as “now…as a medical student…”…OH and then on top of that…to say that i have it in my diary name…erm…she has the fact that shes a doctor in her opening statements on her diary page…

LETS GET ONE THING CLEAR…i am not making personal attacks on anyone. i dont care about these trivial things…i am only highlighting the hypocrisy of people. these people are more than happy to drag your name into arguments, more than happy to make personal attacks on people, more than happy to accuse you of doing things they do themselves…how does that make ANY sense?

you cannot say to someone : “you are showing off that you are a medical student by using it in your diary name……..but im going to announce im a doctor on my diary”.

you cannot say to someone : “you dont know what you’re talking about and shouldnt say those things just because you’re a medical student………..but i can because i have all the following qualifications”

you cannot say to someone : “you’re an idiot………but im not and i wont tell you why you are” thats not education…shes not educating anyone…shes trying to intimidate them! 

you cannot say to someone : “you wrong and i know you are because i have this many qualifications…and you dont, so you dont know what you’re talking about” ok well done mrs.GP! what was the point of that? oh i see…to educate them where they went wrong…oh no wait…you havent actually said where they went wrong…you effectively just told them that they WERE wrong…you have proof because you are apparantly qualified to have an opinion..and that you dont show off about it either…

THEN WHY WRITE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

all these statements are what is called *HYPOCRISY*. 

if you cant say something productive, what is the point of saying it at all. and this is what is frustrating me most about people these days. 

the lack of being able to actually hear and see what they are saying and doing.

if someone who quite clearly doesnt give a shit, is continuing to NOT GIVE A SHIT…then why add fuel to the fire by provoking them and telling them that they are wrong…if you want to change someones attitude you have to explain what theyve done wrong so they can make that decision for themselves.

if a kid is crying because you arent giving it a lollipop before dinner..hitting the kid wont make the kid shut up…perhaps you should try placating them by talking to them on their level. explaining what the situation is. telling them what it is they cant have and why..

surely the world would be a better place if people spoke to one another with an OPEN MIND.

my final point on that matter…shes a doctor…shes trained to have an open mind. one of the first rules of being a doctor is that ASSUMPTIONS CAN KILL. you never assume anything about anyone. when i wrote what i wrote..i never assumed anything about the subject. i wrote a response to someone misinformed. and finally i did not beligerate that i was a medical student. 

 

 

now. on to the next point…where to start now?! oh so many flaws in so many arguments.

 

one thing i cannot understand about any of this…why has everybody made this situation so personal. this person wrote an entry in his OWN DIARY about a situation he had encountered on someone elses diary…similar to what im doing now..

am i now going to get a whole load of notes from the people who have been rude to me saying that i dont know what im talking about, and im rude, and im stupid, and i dont know what im talking about…

i am simply recounting what IIIIII have been through on this diary. if i want to have an opinion on someone who is on the diary, it is my prerogative (britney style). i havent named anyone. NO ONE in this entry….it could be complete strangers to the people it IS about…so why am i not allowed to write about it? because it involves them? well then they shouldnt have entered on my radar (britney black out album) then.

i should not have had people write to me on my diary, about how i wasnt aware of everything. those anonymous people in THAT diary..should not have revealed who they were. if it were a real problem, if they were really feeling harrassed by it all…why didnt they just report it? why act immaturely? why try to take matters in their own hands and escalate something so minor? isnt that how wars start? because a random big ass country wants its revenge?

this guy wasnt taking revenge on these people. i am not taking revenge on these people by writing this. i am merely trying to understand why they do not have the hindsight to realise how petty they are being. how they have dug themselves a hole that keeps getting bigger..and instead of just leaving that hole and moving on elsewhere…why they just keep digging.

why has that hole become so big that ive had to fall into it? why are people having a go at me?

i havent made any personal attacks. i havent been rude. i even apologised to the girl in question in case she thought i was being rude…even though i hadnt been.

<

em>what was the response i was given…

notes bitching about someone else. 

the cherry on the cake…when she then read some of my entries…passed judgement on me and MY boyfriend (funnily enough a gripe she had with someone else)…and then friended me…told me to make my entries friends only…and THENNNNNN blocked me. 

what?

firstly, i am happy with my boyfriend. i go through ups and downs with him…like any couple does….if i didnt love him, if i knew he was wrong for me…if he really WAS wrong for me…i would have ended it a long time ago. im not STUCK in a relationship. i do not feel like im lacking in true love. i do not need to be told that prince charming exists. prince charming is in fairytales. ive decided that i would like to live in REAL LIFE….again i will clarify…when i write stuff about my daily life and about whats going on…IT IS PERSONAL. IT IS MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS…it is not a declaration of how depressed i am. i am not begging for advice and help on how i should live my life. in my honest opinion, what she said was uncalled for. she based her opinion on reading a couple entries. if she wants to base an opinion, she should have read ALL my entries. yunno…the ones where i was all depressed and cutting myself. 

do any of my regular readers think im destitute? do any readers feel sad for me?

do people really have the impression that i have a pathetic life? im quite happy. 

guess what people, i make people laugh! i have a joke here and there! i watch crap on the internet! i study for exams! i have a boyfriend to make out with when i please! yeah i have family issues. yeah i fight with my boyfriend sometimes. WHO DOESNT? does it warrant someone to say “i feel really sad for you…i dont think its going to last”. sugarcoating words with babe and sweetie doesnt make me think you are a good person who understands me and knows what ive been through and where i am in life now. 

and i would have simply let this go. this wouldnt have bothered me. i have had notes in the past that dont get me, and hey, i ignore them. i put my diary online so that only opendiary readers can read my entries….i welcome people to read. i welcome people to write notes…yunno what i would have done…i would have written back this: “hey, thanks for the notes…i am quite happy with my boyfriend..i know my entries can get kinda heavy though…but dont worry! hes the love of my life…ps- i anonymise everything and i am aware of how public this thing is…take care!”

was i able to do that? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

know why? SHE BLOCKED ME!

she told me that she would friend me so i could read about what true love really is…and yet..blocked me…

i am all for one on giving people a go. no matter what has happened. i maybe would have friended her. maybe i would have read those entries. maybe i would have given her a chance…but she decided to judge me. she blocked me before i even had a chance…

she also told me my entries were quite sensitive so i should friends only my diary…as a tip of course…

its my diary. OF COURSE ITS GOING TO BE SENSITIVE. i am a pretty deep pretty emotional and hardcore thinker. i have been since the age of 14 when the shit hit the fan…should that be a reason to protect myself? i dont want to friends only my diary..part of me feels like if it were privatised…other people who have ever felt like how i have would not know there were others out there. there ARE other deep emotional thinkers who are scared what might become of them. it is so lonely. SO lonely. i dont need a whole list of friends to agree with me, i just need one that doesnt even need to understand what im going through. just one person to listen.its not trivial. its not superficial. its not attention seeking. its called life….the reason i anonymise what i write is so that no one finds out who i am!…the reason my diary is only accessible to opendiary members is so that random people CANT google me and find out what im saying…the reason i havent told anyone i know my diary name is so that they cant access it even if they were members of this website…

WHY WONT PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING WRONG. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD. I NEVER DESERVED TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS FUCKING MELODRAMA OVER NOTHING. 

why do people have this need to prove themselves to complete strangers. what IS that? and before i get more noters saying “but isnt that what you’re doing?” NOOOOOOO IM NOTTTTTTTT!!!! IM RANTING ABOUT MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES ON THIS CRAZY WEBSITE. I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME. i know im not a bad person. i dont need a faceless moron to tell me i am. LEEEEEAVE ME ALONE.

if this has taught me anything, it is to not rely on the intelligence of others. other people are not open to opinion. other people are not open to discussion. other people are not ready to drop something when it is out of their hands. if you have an OPENDIARY ready to be read by the public, then you should be open to comment.

heres some more examples of *HYPOCRISY* :
1) getting pissed at someone for writing a little comment about her boyfriend..and then writing something equivalent about mine.
2) laughing it up at other people who are being ridiculed in entries…getting mad when she is suddenly the subject of laughter…oh wait no one knew it was even her? nevermind!
3) blocking someone after telling them you’re going to friend them to cure their sad pathetic lonely life
4) having a go at someone for bitching about her…and then bitching about them to me.
5) “im not one for words”…amongst a VERY VERY VERY double note.
6) talking about harrassment and NOT LEAVING ME ALONE.
7) noting me about wanting to explain someone ELSE didnt mean to attack me…proceeded by saying she wouldnt bother. THEN WHY NOTE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! as i said, i havent said anything to upset anyone. i havent done this to annoy anyone. i havent done this to HURT anyone. so why note? why bother? why fuel the flame? and on top of that say “i thought you were a nice girl”…i dont care! i dont care if you dont think im a nice girl. my entry has nothing to do with me being a nice girl. NICE GIRLS DONT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. NICE GIRLS ARENT HYPOCRITES. NICE GIRLS DONT NOTE FOR NO REASON JUST because they think theyre proving a point. I HAVENT TRIED TO PROVE ANY POINT. WHEN WILL THAT EVER BE CLEAR TO ANYONE?! so dont chat to me about being a nice girl. NICE GIRLS DONT TELL STRANGERS THE

Y SHOULDNT BE WITH THEIR BOYFRIEND.
8) what is the point of telling someone they are not the nice girl they once thought AFTER blocking them? it makes no sense?…its all so…FAKE. surely one would block someone as a result of finding out they arent nice…why before? how could she REALLY have thought i was a nice girl if she was so prepared to block me? and i can tell ya now…its the only reason i feel everything is just SO dodgy. if it hadnt had happened, this whole entry probably wouldnt have happened. assumptions kill.

JUST DROP IT ALREADY and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! funny how people can’t take their own medicine but are happy to dish it out to everyone else. OH and thats not a medical related joke…its a saying…an old fashioned one. in case someone else tries to accuse me of dragging the good name of medics through the dirt. they do that themselves and they know who they are.

im done. 

 

 

just a little reminder…this website is NOT a social networking site. this website is a DIARY site. if someone writes something about you, and keeps you anonymous as well as themselves…they are not trashing you to the outside world. they are simply talking about something theyve noticed or been through. dont be so naive to think people give a damn.

 

 

i wont be replying to any rude or contradictory notes i recieve so dont bother. in fact, any that i do receive will be publicised.