tripping on guilt

a wave of guilt just washed over me when i just text ST to tell him i missed him.

i havent felt this sort of guilt since my days as a late teen when i would come back home the following morning hungover from a night of heavy drinking, and flirting with random boys. the same boys that made me pick a single sex secondary school. suddenly they too had grown up and were sipping from the same bottle of 40% vodka, neat, rock bottomless. i was what i thought to be classy. since when i would make secret midnight phonecalls to muslim boys, who visited the good hindu girl after friday mosque and made plans to make sure we’d see each other as much as we could, even if it meant he saw his aunt and uncle in london more often. even if it meant i ran to scotland every other weekend (thankfully that relationship ended before any unnecessary expenses were made).

3 simple words have me almost in tears. “i miss you”.

and the first thought that came to my mind as soon as i text them was “my parents dont know im in love with a boy”.

its only just hit me. right now. while im frantically trying to revise for tomorrows exam. my parents dont know. im so deep into a relationship. im wondering if i should risk calling him tonight before i sleep even though i have to wake up early tomorrow, just because i miss him so much. and if my parents knew id be crucified.

ive suddenly started to panic. what if they find out? what if they do walk in on us? what if they throw him out and call me a whore?

doubt is beginning to settle. and i cant even talk to him about it. cos i have to revise tonight. and if i do talk to him, what if it scares him? what if he runs a mile? will he fight for me?

so i guess the question is how do i keep my parents happy?

on one hand, i tell them ive met someone. i tell them that we’re happy. but it invites a lot of unnecessary questions. and my parents will no doubt want to do a full work up of what he is.

on the other hand, if i continue with this guilty path, it will be 6 months down the line and my parents will be confused as to how what when who where. and why exactly i hadnt told them before.

so how do i solve this little riddle.

i make my parents think that it was all their idea. i suggest to my mum that i put myself on shaadi.com to look for someone myself. just to see what there is. maybe potentially date someone from it if they are from a good background and meet their criteria (ST already does). this will lessen my parents ideas to try and find me someone, and i will actively be looking for someone myself.

then in 6 months time when im feeling more settled and happy in my relationship with ST, i will tell them that i met someone (maybe i’ll suggest a month previous to when i tell them) and then the questions can fly at me.

there wont be any doubt. not that i have any at the moment, but its not been long enough. so i will feel secure enough for them to probe as much as they want. but its not like theyll be pestering me 24/7 about how he is and if hes safe or trying to rape me. etc. etc.

my dad wont have to spend the next 6 months in fear that i might be making a big mistake, as i get more of a feel (perhaps literally) of ST, and hence less stress for him.

telling them i’ll join the dating site will prepare them mentally. they wont be so shocked with the news if i “meet someone”. it means that hopefully soon, i will have a response for them as to my future married life.
there will also be less guilt on my behalf, cos i’ll feel freer to date and be happy with ST, given that my parents “sort of” condone it.

ok.

good job.

i will tell ST all of this when i get a chance to talk to him. im feeling a lot calmer. this can only mean good things. i dont want my parents to worry about my future. i would have liked them to have been more concerned with my present. and if only they cared about where my past has led me.

but such is life. i cant pick my parents. cant get a refund. and i dont think id want to exchange them for a better fit. i might not have had all the good things i have in my life now if it were any different.