transient loss of happiness

i think i have depression again. lately ive been feeling more and more down about everything. and i mean really down. im such a fucking failure.

my dad just called me and started going on and on at me because i dont study.

half of me thinks hes full of shit. ive been telling him im studying everyday. i dont understand what he wants of me. doesnt he GET it? i have 2 and a half weeks of holiday left. and then its 11 months of non-stop work. NON-stop. i dont want to burn out. i dont want to fail again. i dont want to kill myself before im ready for the exam.

and then i realise hes right. im not studying. and i fail everything.

im sorry im such a disappointment. im sorry im so stupid.

 

and thats why i think i have depression. im falling into that cycle of despair. and loneliness. and when i cry i realise i really am not happy.

im trying to be. i really am trying. i suppose its why i cling on to my boyfriend so much. because it makes me feel less lonely. less useless. more…loved.

i am so alone.

 

the other night i lay there in STs arms and i thought about RBk. i wondered where he was and what he was doing. something keeps bringing him up in my head. and i wish it wouldnt. i love ST so much. i really really love him. but that something is still missing. the something which stopped me from saying “i love you too”.

its like RBk offered me the chance to leave all this. leave everything. leave all the drama. but being with ST doesnt. being with ST means staying here. staying close to home. staying somewhere i dont want to be.

 

the other night we had a fight. a horrific ugly fight. and i told myself to be strong. and i told myself to sacrifice my happiness for him. sacrifice my honesty and integrity for him. because he was tired and stressed about work. so i accepted the blame. the blame i didnt deserve. and i accepted all the horrible things he said to me. and i took it on. and i let it into my skin and believed it.

im a horrible person. im an awful person. its all my fault. why do i have to be so selfish?

i let the depression take back control. and in me i kept finding myself fighting out. kept asking myself why are you doing this? why are you giving in? you know you’re not. you know you havent done anything wrong. why are you letting the depression win. but i had to. i had to sacrifice myself.

i wept. i cried and cried and cried. i told ST there was no point any more. no point in carrying on. i told him i wanted to kill myself. i kept looking at my balcony. i kept knowing that throwing myself off it wouldnt kill me. i just kept staring at it. i just remember wondering if he’d catch me in time. if i got up and walked to the balcony, and perched myself over it…would he reach in time to stop me. and i realised probably not. i realised that while he was filling a green glass bottle with water, he would miss the silence of my fall.

i kept pinching my leg. trying to release some of the pain. it didnt work. the flesh between my fingernails would become numb and i couldnt feel it. so i had to try and pinch elsewhere. it was never enough. he grabbed my hands and stopped me. i wanted to connect the dots of pinching lumps with a knife. the seared with pain when he saw them. when he touched them. when he almost started crying when he begged me to tell him why i did “this thing”.

he kept apologising. saying sorry for acting like a child. i wanted him to apologise for putting me back a year or two. but he never clocked that he did. and i never asked. and what was done couldnt be taken away.

i just felt empty. i asked him why my parents bothered having me. why i was even born. what the point was. cos i suck happiness from everything. i take goodness away. i am just a burden.

CBT didnt do anything but made me realise why i hurt the way i hurt. but how do i stop believing the reason for the hurt?

i know my issues stem from feeing unable to talk about my problems. feeling trapped and having no where to turn. no one to understand or no one to want to listen. these emotions surging inside of me demanding to get out with no outlet, because as soon as i unleash them on someone, i wish to take it back. i wish i could keep it from them. i wish i could undo what is done. burden.affliction.millstone.encumbrance.

even the word for it in hindi sounds heavy and dead. bhoj. like the sound you emit when you’re about to vomit and the fluid bubbles in your throat. bhoj. that disgusting lump in your throat that wont go away afer eating too much. bhoj.

thats me.