the sands of time slipping through my fingers

 i feel kinda panicky today.

i just thought this might help a little. get it all out of my system. 

my exams are in LITERALLY 3 weeks. in LITERALLY 22 days i will be done. 

im sort of freaking out. its approaching faster than i realised. and i have a tonne to do. a manageable tonne to do…but nonetheless a tonne. 

i dont really want to think about it though, because the more i think about it, the more i panic. and each day is slipping past me.

 

there isnt really much going on in my life at the moment. and i dont like to think about the stuff that IS happening. because its depressing. and the more i think about it, the more it freaks me out and i get bummed. 

i have put on weight again. i know i have. i just have no motivation to shift it. so thats gone down the toilet. im now relying on this idea i seem to have, that i will lose it all when i go on holiday to south east asia. but lets face it….i will probably end up putting on more weight right? cos thats just who i am.

and i wouldnt feel bad about the weight if i didnt feel like i wasnt the best i could be for ST. its nothing he says or does. its todally me..i just wish i could look the best i could for him. and it kills me a little that i dont. that hes stuck with this fat bloat of a girlfriend when he could do so much better. i have all these visions and thoughts about us getting married, and what itll be like, and what i’ll look like..but i always imagine, that by the time it comes to the wedding day, i will be svelte and have lost all the weight, and i will be perfect for him. but then i realise ive been with him for over 18 months, and im nowhere hear that, and if anything im going the opposite direction. maybe i should just accept that this is who i am, and i am a big girl, and that is just me…

but i look at all these clothes and i could look so fashionable if i fit into them. 

i really wanted a playsuit. they look mega comfy. and i have this vision of what i could look like in the perfectly fitted playsuit. but i have no fucking clue where i would find it. and even if i found the one i have in my head, the chances are that it will be designer and therefore un-affordable OR wont come in my size. 

sometimes i see bigger women out and about, and they look good, and i sometimes wish i could just go over and say to them "hey, that dress looks really good on you…where did you get it from"…but that would be weird. and creepy. and what? makes no sense whatsoever.

I was talking to SK about dance. and how i miss it so much. how i crave one on one dance lessons. in any style. just having a personal DANCE trainer. or at least someone to go to dance classes with. one that doesnt involve doing extra crap for. one that is all about the actual art of dance. i need to find an instructor. but i have no idea where to look. but i want to do that. start of september i want to have classes lined up. i miss choreography.

but at the moment im relying on thailand. and their potential lack of vegetarian food. im hoping, so hoping, that there is a lack, and i’ll be forced to eat rice every day like when i went to china. i lost a stone in 10 days on a diet of rice, water, and a few aubergine curries here and there. 

maybe if i stick to rice for 20 days i can lose 2 stone. HA. yeah right. soooo not gonna happen.

 

finally, i just want to talk a little about ST. and how much i love him. sometimes i cant express it enough to him. and sometimes i hear myself talking too much about him. sometimes i just want us to run away together and not have to worry about anything in life. i just want to BE with him. it still hurts when he leaves every morning. is that normal? is it meant to feel bad when he goes to work every day? im gonna miss him so much on holiday. i know i will. but i know he’ll be there when i get back. 

i havent had sex with him yet. i want to though. i think im ready. but i cant yet. not when i have so much other crap going on. i cant set myself up for that right now. maybe when exams are over. or maybe when i get back and feel more confident. 

lately when we’ve been doing stuff..ive been enjoying it..but i dry up…

we hardly do much any more. partly because i just dont feel like it. because im scared that if it doesnt go as expected, he’ll get upset. or i’ll get upset. or we’ll fight. and partly just because i havent been in the mood. and i know its all down to stress and the pill…

maybe its a blessing in disguise? i dont know. 

i do know that i just dry up. it will feel sooo good…but i cant get past a point. and at that pivotal moment, where i could either feel that heat rising in me pushing me closer…i do the opposite. i shut down. and it HURTS. like crazy painful. and we have to give up. 

but it doesnt mean i dont enjoy it with him. i do. and i still feel closer to him every time. i just dont know what this lock down is. i think it massively has to do with the pill. or im just one of those girls that needs lube. i dont know. 

i keep telling him he needs to romance me more. perhaps hes going to fast on me..maybe i need him to slow down and feel more of a connection. i hate it when hes not kissing me…it feels so detached. 

i dunno. i dont mind..last time it happened, he didnt get upset. we just talked a little about it, and moved on..and it felt nice, and i didnt feel scared or threatened. i felt truly happy and it felt more like i could trust him.