the curious incident of the girl at night time

its early. way early in the morning.

ive noticed how little i write these days, how little i need to. but some stuff just keeps niggling at me.

ive stopped craving notes on entries. ive stopped caring whether people read this. i just need to clear my mind, make room for real stuff.

certain parts of my past were triggered today. why cant it all just be forgotten? oh yeah, cos it really did happen. cos it never got resolved. cos im still reeling from it all.

i keep thinking about september. how its really going to pan out. how even this year, i would rather mess around with ST than start this fucking disseration.

i need to focus. something about the way im living my life the way things are happening, where i am, who im with. something is making it feel fake. non existant. made up. a fantasy. im too detached from the real world, from real people, from reality. and i need to snap back into it. but how?

people are beginning to grate on me. at PP’s birthday, ive never been so bored around a decent group of people. and i dont know if its because i was missing ST, or whether im just at a different place in my life to everyone or what. i suddenly feel like im lightyears ahead. im happy to sit and listen rather than stand and talk. it wasnt even that i wanted to talk about ST really, just that i have nothing else going on to talk about. and maybe thats whats frustrating me?

i hate being one of those people that talk about their boyfriends constantly, but it seems to be what i do. and the reason being that its all thats going on at the moment. i watch sooo much crap on tv and online, but not the same stuff as everyone else. i listen to music and play games, but im behind on the scene. so all i have, is him. my boyfriend. i dont talk about him often, theres not really much i can tell people who dont know what its like to be a in a relationship. ive noticed conversation about him flows a lot easier with people who have the same relationship highs and lows. telling someone i had a fight with him is interpreted so differently.

someone out of a relationship will say “maybe its cos of this, maybe its that, good to hear its sorted”.

someone in a relationship says “yeah, we get like that as well, dont worry about it”…but it goes on, and theres a deeper more sensible analysis. like the fact that CF pointed out the fact that ST is probably just insecure about stuff and will pick on my insecurities to make his seem less of a deal. which i sort of knew, but the fact that she said it, sort of made sense. i kinda understood where i had to go with it. what to say to him next, how to deal with it next time.

anyway i dont want to talk about all that stuff.

i honestly want to think away from it.

i miss him. like crazy. and theres a distinct pattern forming between my lack of sleep vs his lack of presence.

sure i get uncomfy with his arm under my neck and leg on my stomach. but i need him here. i need to roll over to him, i need to have contact with his skin, i need to feel his warmth and hear him snore occasionally between heavy breathing. i need the room to be thick with our love and dark with our smell of sleep.

i miss waking up in the morning gradually with him moving away from me a little, kissing me, telling me he loves me, and then not hearing anything apart from a rustle of him getting his hairgel and rushing around getting ready to leave. i love when he comes to hug me tight, tell me he’ll miss me, and kiss me and leave. i never want him to. but im getting used to it. even though it never feels right being separated. it never has felt right being separated from him. right from day 1. right from the moment my hand left his at the bus stop.

last time after we fooled around, he was holding me close, really close. and suddenly i thought of him not being there. i thought of where i might have ended up. what my life would be like without him. i thought of how i imagined moments like the one i was having when i was with RBk, and how ridiculous the thought of RBk was, how ridiculous the entire relationship was, that i could ever think that a moment like this with RBk was worth more than what i currently have with ST. how i could even think he was the one. they dont compare. and RBk is nothing to ST. i thought about how much i loved ST, and how glad i was i had found him. how i couldnt lose him. how my life would be empty without him. and i just started crying.

i cried and whispered that i loved him so much and i couldnt live without him. all of everything i had felt in the orgasm he had given me moments before all came rushing out in emotion as tears. and i couldnt control it. and i knew i loved him. i loved him more. i loved him harder than i did when i first fell.

ST doesnt put me on a pedastal. and i like it. he doesnt worship the ground i walk on, he doesnt assume im flawless. he accepts me. he accepts my flaws. he doesnt flaw me for my flaws. sometimes yes, he gets me wrong. he assumes that i cold be vindictive and hurtful. but i think only through his life experiences and how hes been raised and what hes been through. sometimes the trust he has in me leaves his mind, and he hurts me. but i understand it. i get that i have to break through the train of thinking, that somewhere along the line i will say something that makes sense to him.
and yes, sometimes i think he feels the way i act is because i get him wrong. but i dont. i know him, i understand every emotion he has, and why he has it. sometimes i react the way i do cos of myself. cos of how i feel about myself. because of who i think i am and the hurt and fears ive developed over the last few years. and i assume he must feel the same about me as i do about me. instead of realising he wouldnt and couldnt.

eugh im not in the mood to talk about this.

i just really miss him right now. i like talking to him. just talking. i like that the random ramblings about my parents and sister and friends i write about in this diary come out in voice with him. that i can call my sister a psychopath bitch who knows nothing about relationships, and make fun of her, and he will respond and laugh and tell me im silly, and that i dont need to worry about anything.

i dont feel guilty when im with him. i dont feel like i should hold my tongue, or watch if i say something inappropriate. i feel free. i feel like me. i can freely say what i please, and know that it wont be met with any fear that i shouldnt be saying it. my friends will ask questions, and give me advice. they dont get it, they dont know the situation. my mums helper was the only other person i could say stuff to, but i didnt like the idea of putting her in the middle or making h

er pick sides, so i held my tongue. with ST, i can say what i like. and i know he will support me, because i know i havent done anything wrong, and that he wont be in the middle.

he told me i was his best friend today. i know hes mine. theres certain stuff that i wish i could talk to him about, stuff that almost slips out without my care, about exes and potentials from the past. since being with him, all those other guys dont exist in my mind any more. theyve vanished and taken the majority of memories with them. well, i still have the memories but the emotions i felt with them have gone. its almost like hes numbed them and replaced them with new emotions and memories. but its at those moments when i want to say..”oh yunno so and so..my ex…he did this that and the other…” and i forget that ST is my boyfriend, and then i suddenly realise, and will rephrase what im about to say and change the wording to “i used to have this friend….”. luckily its ok to change the truth slightly cos i know he doesnt want to know about past relationships, but a small part of me feels guilty. but hey, its not like im really in contact with any exes.

strangely JAB added me on facebook. i almost messaged him asking him what the point was, but i figured what was the point? i added him back. its not like hes going to talk to me, and hey, he was a life changing person in my life once. If i was writing How I Met Your Father, i certainly would include him in the storyline.

ohhh another really overly sweet thing he told me was that he thinks im out of his league. he thinks that I am out of HIS league. wtf. im totally not. i think we match pretty well. id say we were pretty equal. but hes under the impression that people look at us and wonder what im doing with him. i wasnt expecting him to think that at all.
he says he cant see his future without me any more. and that if he cant be with me, he wont be with anyone. he tells me im beautiful and that i make him laugh.
the other week we saw a little baby girl when we went shopping. then he told me he wanted a baby. it was quite sudden. i know he wants kids. i can hear it in his voice whenever he talks about his niece. even more so when he talks to his niece. its when he says “S, i love you” and she says “i love you kaka”. thats when i realise how much he wants kids. i sometimes envy his niece. because she gives him a feeling i cant give him. she loves him in a way that i cant, and he loves her in a way he cant love me. not until i give him our own kids. and im nowhere near ready to do that. not for another 5 years at least. so sometimes i get a little envious of her. possibly because i know that he would always pick her over me, and i dont want him to change that, but i cant help but wish i could have that affect on him. it sounds ridiculous. being jealous of a 3yr old. but i know its ridiculous, and i know its not anything really, and i know it doesnt even matter i feel this way, cos i dont want to change him, or take him from her. it bugs me when i do feel it. and then i get frustrated. hes amazing with her. i really cant wait to have his kids. he’ll be a good dad. i know it. as a couple, i think we’re a bit nuts, and i think our kids will be a bit nuts cos of it, but theyll be good kids. we both know it.

 

i finished reading “the white tiger”. i liked the way it was written, but i dont know if i like the storyline so much. i felt like i expected a grander ending than was given. with some books i get sucked into, i wouldnt put them down, i wouldnt be able to stop reading them, i would get nervous as the chapters turned. my palms would get cold and sweaty and my eyes would read quickly. i was waiting for it to happen, but it never did with this book. still, it was a good read.
ive gone back to reading “the curious incident of the dog in the nightime”. im enjoying it so far.
i ordered some more off amazon. i kinda look forward to receiving them. i really want to get through all these book before september. i just think my ability to focus will increase, my reading speed will increase, and hopefully studying wont feel like such a chore.
i dont know why i didnt pick up my book to read tonight instead of faffing around till 4am. i will pick it up now.

i just miss my boyfriend. and i know theres no point in telling anyone else about it, because itll sound like im one of those annoying whiny people. and i hate those people. so i’ll get it all out in here.

I MISS MY BOYYYYFRRRIIIEEENNDDD. wah wah wah 🙁

admittedly all this releasing of thoughts is making me sleepy. although i wonder if its just because time is ticking?