teardrop

 a few creepy things really. i dont even know if i should write this down, i kinda want it to leave my head and block it out, but such is the nature of the beast…i suppose stuff like this has been bobbing in my head for a while. it’s like a confession i guess?

so being a medical student has it’s perks. you get to find out about stuff that you never would otherwise. and then you understand situations that other people cant. and it is as they tell us, it’s like being a detective. 

im currently on a obs&gyn attachment. exams in 10 days. i know my mother has had a gynae history. and an obstetrics history. so i probed. and perhaps i shouldnt have.

i asked about what happened when she had to have what i thought was a hysterectomy. 

turns out she didnt have that. they were going to do that, but it turned out she only needed an ablation. so a little further digging, i realised my dad fucked up my mum’s health because he didnt take her symptoms seriously. not until second opinions were taken, and it was thrust in his face. 

she had heavy menstrual bleeding which started at age 40. this continued for 8-9 years causing severe anaemia. in the meanwhile she had trialled medications and such, but it didnt stop until she had the ablation. it took a year for her periods to stop, and she basically had the menopause. no HRT required. 

unfortunately the severe anaemia had some other effects. she developed severe cardiomyopathy, and essentially almost went into complete heart failure due to the anaemia. she had a pacemaker fitted in when she was 55. 

this coupled with her diabetes which was diagnosed at age 45 (diet controlled for 10 years), has lead to her current health state. 

then i asked her about my birth. today i found out i was actually admitted into NICU for a day. my mother had rupture of membranes at 41+3. she was admitted to hospital for observation, and eventually was fully dilated and ready to go at 5am 13/05/87.

she was on her own in hospital. with a random midwife. and a Dr.V on site. she pushed for 2 hours or so. and i popped out around 7.30am hypoxic and blue. it took a while to get me crying, and hence i was admitted for observation on NICU. my dad didnt arrive until i was already born. she was pushing for 2 hours. where was he? why wasnt he called? i was hypoxic. 

so i learnt some about my brother and sister. how they were born. how my mum didnt want any more children after my brother and had a coil fitted after my brother was born. but it failed and she had to ahve it removed. soon after she got pregnant with my sister. after which she had postnatal depression. 

after that she didnt have anything fitted or take anything to stop her from getting pregnant. 

she got pregnant twice after that. my dad made her terminate them pretty quickly. TWICE.

i didnt ask if she used anything else. but after me my dad had a vasectomy.

i feel a little uncomfortable with all that info. i regret asking. and i felt myself getting awkward while i did. but the words left my mouth as if automatically ingrained in me from taking histories. 

memories of witnessing my parents in bed keep coming back to me. (they used to bring water up to their bedroom every night, so if we re parched at night, we would go get some from them. big mistake) memories i suppressed. and if i think back to how i was, i was traumatised beyond belief. i used to worry about hearing things after. any noise i heard, i assumed was them. it went on for about a month before i pushed it away. it’s funny now when i think about it as an adult, but it still creeps me out majorly.

i always wonder why me? and now i wonder why my dad wasnt there when she was giving birth? why did i only just find out i was in NICU. i know there wasnt anything wrong with me, and it was for observations only. but still.

my mum says i looked like a doll. a little pink doll.