take a story of ours with you

 i feel panicky inside. although i know i dont need to be. i miss you bub. i miss you more than i can comprehend it. i have no real reason to miss you so much tonight. i just feel scared. 

i thank god for you being in my life.

i distract myself with wedding research. i distract myself from that with facebook. 

i stare at all these pics of these people i cannot be around. these people i cannot see in life. i dont know any of you any more. and part of me wants to just let you go. but i cant. cos i need you. i need you in my life so i never forget who i was. 

but i dont recognise you. and i cant tell you why. i wish to god i could have been more in your lives. i wish i could have been there for your birthdays and when you got your grades. but i cant. and those moments have passed. you have all grown and it tears me apart. 

i miss you kids. 

i hate that some of you hate me. i dont know what i did. but i know what my parents did. and what your parents did. it doesnt make me stop loving you all though. 

and now i am getting married. and none of you will be there by my side. 

even if some of you do hate me, i will never hate you. i will always be so proud of you. i wish i could buy you presents showing you how much i love you and showing you how proud of you i am. even if you cant come to my wedding, and i probably wont be able to come to yours, i will be so happy for you. 

i have learnt so much about myself through you kids. little memories of you. they make me weep in the middle of the night.

your mum told me she married your dad because when she first met my family, all she could think is how cute i was. and maybe her own kids could have some of those genes. oh you kids are so cute. and so handsome. and so beautiful. when i see how much you’ve grown, i just cant believe how stunning you are. 

you used to be scared of the hoover. and you used to perk up with the bill came on tv. you used to only eat your food during the adverts. sometimes you were stroppy. and sometimes you would lash out at me. but i never did anything. i remember doing the alphabet with you. and i remember taking you shopping with me down the highstreet. when i used to cry you used to come and hug me. no one would tell you to, you just knew to. 

you were the cutest kid i had ever seen. i almost fell for you when i first ever saw you. everyone said you were just like me. you are so clever. i knew you would always surpass me in life. and i never resented you for it. i always wanted good things to happen for you. better than they did for me. you used to stay over on sleepovers, and we would chat into the night, and i would coax you to sleep playing the alphabet game. you never made it past the letter M. i took you to themeparks with me. you were a complete thrill seeker. i used to crack jokes with you, and i would always imagine you by my side when i got married. because you were the only other sister i had in this country. and you were so small. and so good hearted.

you were tiny. so so tiny. i have no idea what you are like now. but you were hilarious. could always crack a joke. even at the age of 3. black and white but not a panda…a cow. you were a bit weird. and a bit coddled. but i understood you. and i made a vow to be there for you no matter what when you were only 6 months old. once upon a time you idolised me. you used to carry a picture of me around with you lol. you probably wouldnt really understand anything going on..you’re still too young. maybe you have forgotten me completely. 

you kids taught me that i will be a good mother one day. you kids taught me that i am nothing like the rest of my family. you kids taught me patience, and you taught me how to be proud of someone i love. 

i miss you all a lot. last time i saw you, i took you to the movies i think…what movie did we see? i cant even remember. some random comedy. i havent seen you in person since. please grow up happy. please grow up safe. please grow up successful. you have so much potential. i hope that you fight for what you want. and that all your dreams come true. 

dont forget me. i wont forget you.