take a chance on me

its been 2 days and we already had a mini breakdown.

i call it a breakdown, more of a display of insecurities about each other.

so this is what its like. dating someone. and not just dating someone, but dating someone honestly.

we spoke on the phone a bit yesterday. and have been texting each other frequently. hes on my mind a lot. as is everything else in my life.

i told him last night we needed to take things slow cos of my commitment to pass my exams better than i have done in the past. i want a 2.1 at least. even if i just scrape one.

but he gets so excited, too excited.

last night on the phone he sang to me. now im not sure if it was a expression of feeling, or another aspect of him he was teaching me about. he said he is crap at singing, but likes to sing anyway. he sang his favourite song to me. i didnt like the song much. but the meaning behind it was pretty emotional. i said he was sweet, but he was right, he wasnt that great at singing lol. we laughed. he tried to get me to sing after i revealed i like singing in the car.

an interesting thing…SK on the weekend noted i was nervous cos i was singing. maybe its a nervous habit?

of course i refused to sing to him. thats just mortifying!!! but yes. im still not sure of the sentiments or reasoning behind it.

ive come to the conclusion he has very traditional views on romance and how to woo a woman. and i ♥ it. like seriously love it. when i told SS, which in hindsight i probably shouldnt have, he of course found it hilarious. if im honest, im not into big gestures. just personal ones. and it was a sweet personal one. but that romance just isnt what i like. everything he did was very personal. but even so, it makes me feel a little uneasy. how do you tell someone that you dont like their romantic gestures?

so today we were texting a little, he woke me up by calling me and told me i sounded cute before letting me get back to sleep. i actually woke up, ate something, watched desperate housewives and went back to sleep. i woke up at 3.30 and have done very little revision.

i have exams in january. something i keep forgetting. i told him i have to revise. he asked me out to coffee this afternoon. i had to refuse of course. and then i felt uneasy. so i told him that it was all just bad timing, and i dont mean to lead him on, and that i do really like him, but i just have to study. i asked if he’d be willing to wait for me, and if not, i understood.

he replied telling me he was looking for something long term, not just a date here and there. he got a little upset. confused as to why i wanted to take it slow and was asking for commitment at the same time.

im not asking for full committment, but i just have this worry that hes gonna meet someone else, date someone else, realise im no one, and i will lose someone that could really mean something to me. i dont want to lose something this good. he’s already shown himself to be a genuine, sweet man with no ulterior motives. (i think).

so i basically ended up revealing it to him. that i was just worried id be losing something so good and that i really liked him.

if he cant wait for me, if he doesnt want to wait for me, i understand, i shouldnt be asking him of that really. but i know we could be something great.

he replied that he was basically feeling the same. that he just didnt want to lose out on me.

so we’re gonna stick to our original plan. we’re gonna meet on friday evening. we’re gonna just see how it goes, and where it takes us.

i think its me, i think im being confusing. im not being as available as i could be for him.

he said he understood, that my studies are my priority at the moment.

i just need to reassure him that im not going anywhere, but that i do have a life that im trying very hard to integrate him into. it will just take some time and adjustment. neither of which i have very much capacity for at the moment due to the big fat exams in january.

i only hope he doesnt bail on me for this one month.

all this and i havent EVEN kissed him yet.

why is everyone in the dating world so all or nothing? if its not sex, its emotion. if its not emotion its attention. if not attention then a game.

everything is just a game. and i dont know if i like playing.

i wonder if boardgames when ur little reflect the game of life? i was never one that liked losing. i would kick up a fuss. i would shout and scream that i had to win. i was committed to making it to the end, and i wasnt going to go down easy. what happened to that ambition i had? what happened to my need to win? sure i invest it in relationships, i make sure it doesnt end so easy. i will fight to make sure we come out on top. i dont condone cheaters. but what about my career? i used to have a fire for it. a passion. everyone including myself were certain i would make it big.

and now im flailing. only hoping to pass. where did the determination go? is that what happens when you take a few academic knocks? much like relationships. the more heartbreak the harder it is to go on.