so mr.bond…we meet again

the other day in the hospital i almost freaked out. i was walking towards a cubicle to watch the nurse take bloods and suddenly everything happened in slow motion. i glimpsed at the patient through the curtain and realised it was MN and her dad. i sort of almost backtracked my steps and had to quickly decide what to do…and in a split second which felt like an hour of decision making i thought, “hang on, shes my friend? it doesnt matter about patient confidentiality, she trusts me. he must be in because he must have had another MI…poor guy…hang on why would they bring him to UCH? it doesnt matter, UCH is a great hospital, im glad they brought him here. at least i can be here for them”. and i carried on walking forwards. to anyone else it would have looked like i was just walking to the cubicle. at most if someone was really watching me, that i thought id forgotten to bring something.and then i realised something else. something which really shocked me. MN’s dad was dead. he died 3 years ago.how did i forget so easily? how is it that my natural reaction was to do all that thinking and deliberating over something i also knew was completely impossible?

all this stuff. i can never talk to her about it. because i know that my issue with it is far less important than her issue with it. and sometimes she’ll tell me bits and pieces…she used to…about how people react and how people are a bit weird. but it doesnt come up any more…and i dont want to drag it up. 3 years. thats a long time when it felt like 3 years in the months that followed.

but its funny. i think about him every time i hear about angiograms. and how its a minimally invasive procedure with low risks. but it affected someone. someone that i knew. they say its a 1 in 1000 probability of an event occurring when someone is going into the cath lab. he was that ONE.

theres not that much more to report really.

things with ST go from ok to not ok to good to bad to amazing to heartwrenchinglyawful. i guess thats what love is right?

lately when we’re good, we are soo so sooooo good. i miss him all the time im not with him but it just means i feel so much happier to see him when i do. lately the fights we do have are triggered by him and overreacted to by me and escalated by both of us and eventually at some point there will be a breakthrough on both sides. but when they happen a little piece of me dies inside. like my youth is shrivelling. my ability to care and think of him as awe inspiring drains. i just feel sad. like a true sadness. like i look for other means of escape from feeling sad. and i can never think of who to talk to. and i wish i could talk to my mum because she knows what it feels like to be with a man like that but i know she would just tell me to break up with him. i guess i will have to wait till im married until i can feel at ease at having those conversations with her.

my dad approved him recently. he said he gave me his full blessing if i was happy. what that really means is do as you please but i will take no part and no responsibility for you if it blows up in your face.

either way lately ive been feeling more and more ready. ready to take a step. any step. some sort of step. sex.

i want us to be alone. i want us to be happy. i want us to be completely immersed in each other. it has been a bit like that of recent. since i put in this new rule of no laptop in bed, it has been so much better. theres been a complete switch. we sleep better. we communicate better. we enjoy each other better. i know hes noticed it which is why he hasnt broken rule either. its nice. and when we cuddle up like that it feels more romantic and more like i could and i would feel secure.

but i dont know how that would change our dynamic. and whether it would make him even more smitten with me as i would like because it would make me feel like his attachment to me had grown…or whether he might just stay the same and i would feel unloved and empty and like id made a mistake.

the other day i told him i thought i might seriously be ready. he said he didnt think i was. i asked him why, he just said he knows me..but when we were fooling around..i asked him why he couldnt bring some fucking condoms cos i felt so…not like i needed a good fuck or amorous for making love…i just felt like if he did it wouldnt matter either way. i would feel closer to him and perhaps him me, and i thought at the time that maybe it wouldnt hurt and maybe if he had a condom i wouldnt get pregnant and we could make love and it would be a beautiful moment and apt and perfect. but for some reason he wont even give me the option to try and have any type of sex because he wont buy any condoms. and im too scared to.

im just scared of the repercussions. either from the risk of getting preggers. and from the risk of it changing us. maybe when i can spend more time focussing on us. at the moment my brain switches here and there.

on top of everything else its the fear that he could just leave me still. he could just get bored of me. he could just forget me. and i would have given him so much of myself. i pride myself for being a virgin. yes thats right, i am proud to be 23 and a virgin. it is a quality that not many girls have any more. and not because they choose to lose it for love, but because they lose it for lust, and to me that seems so…reckless. my virginity is as good as my entire heart and trust. and to entrust it to someone who has hurt me in the past 14 months seems too much of a commitment. even though that hurt has dissipated and doesnt affect, it just makes me wonder what else he could do to me.

and its not the fights and all…its the venom he spits when hes angry. the act of wanting to see me hurt. wanting to see me crumble. wanting to see my heart break a little. he knows it. he just cant always be bothered to control it.

but when we’re happy and calm…serenity comes to mind. love. pure love. i start to feel like i want him to trace my body with his fingers and i want him to press his chest against mine and sink his warm lips into my neck and i want to hear him breathe deeply. when we fool around i feel like a play thing. like a thing he has to have. he bites me. and it hurts. and i wish he wouldnt but something in me loves it because i know he just has to bite me. he just has to feel that skin between his teeth. not because it makes me feel good but because it gives him some sort of sexual outlet. he bites the sides of my stomach. he nibbles his way down and bites it. theres something so animalistic about it…and yet something so…individual.

im losing weight. today sitting in front of the mirror…yes, im still big and broad..but i have more of

a figure. my upper waist has gone in. my stomach seems to be depleting. i certainly feel a lot slimmer. more so in the morning when i get dressed. towards the end of the day when my make up seems worn off and my hair is flat and my skin is errupting..i start to feel fat and bloated and hideous again. but every day i feel like i wake up an entirely new butterfly. i think my calorie intake has reduced every day. and i think the bits of exercise here and there are helping. my aim is to fit into my pink skirt like i did on my gap year and to have my maroon skinny jeans fit me loosely. not tightly, but with a little drag to them so they are comfy.

be a size 12. i must have gone up to 18/20…i guess im 16 heading towards 14 if i keep this pace up…

i go through phases of feeling down, and some where i feel positive. at the moment im a mix. just depends on all the aspects in my life. i remember writing about it 2 years ago. the 4 aspects of my life…family, friends, love, and work. i feel like friends and love are happy and family is sort of stable..im just mega stressed about uni and work. i know this fear. this fear im going to fail yet again. despite taking all the right steps to prevent it. i just have to keep going. at least some things are going well.