so girl, what you singing for?

 ever just feel so fucking fed up of your friends?

dangerous time to be annoyed at them. im getting married in 7 weeks. 

so been spending a lot of time with CF. and i love her, we get on so well. but today she was just so goddamn moody. and not with it. and then shes so aggressive sometimes, but if you give it back to her, she gets a bit sensitive. i didnt think she was like that. anyway.

and then SK has been spending increasing amounts of time with PS. she doesnt really contact me much any more, and im sure she knows ive got exams so is avoiding me, but im going away on wednesday. for pretty big reasons…and there will be less than 6 weeks to hang out with me before i get married and move away.

 

i guess i figured that people would be keener to see me. just because they know i wont be there any more. perhaps try and spend as much time with me as possible…i think i just thought that there would be more…demand? that sounds arrogant and horrible of me.

also CF gossips quite a lot, which i dont mind, not like i tell anyone, and i do too…but sometimes i wonder what she says about me? 

 

also with exams, like, i think i know enough to get enough questions right…but i am crap at verbalising and memorising stuff…i can just kinda work it out, and options in multiple choices jog my memory..but then i always end up feeling a bit stupid doing questions with other people. just feel kinda shit. and then when i know something is the right answer, and someone argues against it, i feel a bit like…like "no you are definitely wrong PM, because you’re too stupid to get a question right". i guess thats why during practice my confidence was low. it never used to be. 

in 10 days i will either know that i am going to be a doctor. OR i will still be struggling my way through.

 

maybe i’ll change my username.

 

wedding stuff has me feeling kinda down i guess. just a lot to do still. and i feel like nothing is really going my way. 

i had a bit of a meltdown the other night. i couldnt bare it. so i found a random mental health chat room and vented to a random 18 year old girl. it helped. and she sympathised. which is what i kind of needed even though im sure i was being totally unreasonable for half of it. and i recognised that in the end. but i started spiralling again. 

i keep getting waves of anxiety. my sister text asking me to call her. i have no idea what she wants to talk to me about, and i am hoping it has nothing to do with the feud between my parents and my mum’s family. i cannot be bothered with lessons on life from a 33 year old woman who has no direction in her life. no thanks. i am not stupid, so dont patronise me. just carry on caring about yourself please?

it sounds ridiculous, and i know i am past all the stuff she put me through, but her actions since, it just makes me fume. 

she recently told my mum she hoped she wouldnt have grandchildren, because she is such an awful mother. i mean seriously? REALLY? wow.

when will people change? and if they dont, when do they find out that they are bad? like, yes, my sister said all that, fine, maybe she will realise and she will repent…but what if she doesnt realise? does she get punished for treating people horribly? it would be lovely of me to say that no one deserves bad things, and we should all seek to learn from our mistakes, bt in reality, it just doesnt happen. 

i dont think my sister fully understands what she did wrong. and i have put that behind me, but it doesnt stop her acting like a fucking bitch now. i mean SERIOUSLY? when my dad acts horribly, it is not as obnoxious. its horrible, and difficult, and hurtful…but my sister…it makes me want to see her weep. like seriously, genuinely hurt. and i would never do anything to initiate it, but i want it. i want to see her hurt for all the hurt she caused. not for me, but what she is still doing to others. 

just abhorrent.