smells like teen spirit

recent events have taught me something.

recent events have made me stronger.

recent events mean i know who i am.

my sister is full of shit. she is a liar. she is patronising. she is twisted. fucked up. rude. narrowminded. selfish.

most of all. she is pathetic.

she is a 30 year old sadcase who has never been able to hold a relationship with any man. she is a doctor that still relies on my dad to pay her way. and she is STILL pining for a guy, who 3 years after he rejected her, STILL rejects her.

and there it is, nirvana. I AM A BETTER PERSON. and not just a better person, but i have more than her. i actually have a life, i have friends, i have a boyfriend. i am doing a degree i want to do. and i know i’ll be good at it.

its this realisation that she is pathetic. that i am not a better natured person. but a more educated, well rounded, intelligent, classy person. i am better. i will be more successful. and more happy.

the sooner the better.

when i saw her on the weekend, i was feeling panicked. i was feeling shit. all i wanted was to curl up into a small ball and keep the world out.

when i saw her yesterday, i stood up to her. I TOLD HER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. yes she belittled me. yes she tried to play her tricks. yes she tried to emotionally blackmail and guilt trip me into doing what she wanted me to. BUT I STOOD UP TO HER. and she didnt get in my head. she pissed me off, yes. i wanted to punch her crooked nose in, yes. i wanted to tear the skin off her face and spit on her bloodied face, yes. (morbid as it sounds, but i fucking hate her). but when i felt all that anger, and hurt, i just thought of ST. ST came into my head like a white light erasing all those thoughts.
and i felt happy. i almost burst out laughing while she was banging on about how “awful mum is”. and i just kept thinking, i have something you will never have. i have something you dont know about. i have a secret you know nothing of, and if you knew it would rip you to shreds.

I have a boyfriend. i have had a boyfriend for almost 5 months. and i will have a boyfriend for at least another 3 years (touchwood), after which he will become my husband.

and you have nothing. you have no one. you have a fucked up head and no one who cares.

go home little girl. go cry to the father that doesnt love us. try and get that love while you think you can. it wont last long, and when hes done using you all to get what he wants, he will toss you to the side. just like he has with everyone else. just as you have done to everyone else.

i know i sound vindictive and conniving and horrible. but this is a long time coming. this is for all the years of emotional abuse she put me through, the years shes trying to put me through, and the years shes taken from my family. i am getting stronger by the day. i was strong for my mum. thats all i needed to be able to be. the counselling and all, my main aim was to be strong enough in myself to be able to look after my mum. and i am doing it.

she can rot in hell for all i care. and what goes around comes around. it is coming.

ive been so worried about having to put on a front for her wedding, i didnt even think about my own. what makes me laugh is that if she knew about ST, i know she would try her very best to flaw it. her very best to stick her oar in. so she can tell everyone that it was because of her that the relationship lasted? well this time, she isnt in it. she has no influence. i can proudly say that this is all me. that i am happy. that i have gone out, found myself a man who loves me and cares for me.

so FUCK YOU sister. i have something you will never have. and dont it make you wanna cry.

🙂