see beneath your perfect

 the last time was 22nd sept. and now today as well. i dont remember why i did in september. 

today i just didnt have the strength to pretend that it is the only way i can cope. i dont have that strength. i am at a constant level of stress. and its high. and no one gets it. so i just needed to say that. 

i thought i might feel worthless, and i do. i feel ridiculously weak. and it’s horrible. and i dont want to feel any of this. i dont want any of this.

i feel disgusted with myself. for all the things i do, the way i look, and how i think.

i sometimes wish i had a terminal disease. just so i wouldnt have to think about all the stress in my life. so i could have an excuse for feeling like this. a real one. im sick of feeling like this. 

i almost prayed for the end of the world in december, i almost looked forward to it. just so i could be done with it all. so i wouldnt have to worry. and stress. so i could literally float into nothingness. so that everyone was equal and no one’s problems were greater than anybody elses. no one would have pity. no one could say their situation was worse. everyone would feel the same. 

i am sick in the head. it is disgusting to think that way. but only reason for feeling like that, is because i am weak. and i cant handle or cope with the stress i am under. 

i dont want to live any more. it is too hard. i hate people. and they hate me. and i am done with trying to be someone i dont know how to be. i try and show people i am good, but it doesnt work. and i try to show people i am clever, but it doesnt work. and my whole life is about trying to prove i am worth keeping in this world, but it is just not working.

i am sick of screaming and shouting about it, and not being heard. i am sick of talking with no one listening to what i say. 

i am sick of knowing that i could disappear from the world, and it would have no impact on anyone. people say talk to someone, but who will get this? who understands what is going on in my head? who can just tell me that it will be ok?

the other day i missed being alone on the other half of the world. because it meant not thinking about anyone but myself. i miss that feeling. do babies think about anyone but themselves? no. but that’s meant to be ok. as adults, it’s not. 

im sick of love. im sick of loving someone one way, and not getting back. and im sick of the expectation of how i should love someone. im sick of it. it’s horrible. and pointless. if none of us have love, then none of us would need hate. and everything would be in the middle. and there would be true equality. 

im sick of being alone. in my head. with no one there to help. im sick of thinking all this shit. what is the point? please explain the point? what is the point of working? some people just enjoy doing certain things. and now everyone feels this weird pressure that they should also be enjoying it. so jobs were created. and then competition happened. 

and then you get sick little rich girls with too much time and too much stress and too much weakness. who just complain and think they have it hard, when they dont. 

i hate that i feel like this. i hate it. it makes the guilt worse. and that makes the hurt more, and then i hate that i feel like this again. and it goes around and around and around. and i hate that phrase "vicious cycle". how is it vicious? it is a negative feedback mongering cycle. it is a cycle that harbours and creates hate. and horror. and self harm. 

i hate that i am almost 26 and i still cut. 

i hate that i started when i was 14. and 12 years later, i still do it. 

i hate that i dont even know how to do it properly. 

i hate that i dont know how to cope without doing it. 

i hate that when i did it, i did it because i thought it would help me relax. just for a second, i could feel complete relief of every stress. 

i hate that it is a part of me. 

i hate that i have secrets in me that im too scared to talk about even here, because once i do, i wont be able to stop.

i hate that i am 26. i hate that that means i have to behave a certain way. i hate that i have to think about others. 

i hate thinking about myself.

i hate that no one likes me. i hate that the only way i know how to describe myself is "marmite".

i hate who i am.

i hate how i look.

i hate that no one genuinely listens to what im saying and gets it, and agrees with it. i hate that people think the way out is to compliment. no. its not how things get fixed.

i hate that i know that psychology is nonsense. and that sometimes i see it work, and sometimes it literally begets itself. 

i hate that everyone becomes the same trying to be different. i hate that i naturally shy away from being the same as everyone, and it means i cant understand simple pleasures other people enjoy. 

i hate that i cant say any of this to anyone who is meant to care about me. because they wouldnt know how to deal with it. 

i hate that no one knows me well. that no one knows me inside out. that no one understands why i think the way i do and no one can see the patterns and recognise what is happening.

i hate that i didnt want to write here, and here i am, wasting my little time writing it. i hate that i have written this. i want to delete it all. i want it to go away. i hate that i have these words and thoughts and feelings. 

i hate that i dont know if i should say i hate i posted this, or whether i should say i hate that i will post it.

i hate that i know people read this. and i hate that they do, but i hate the fact that i need to know someone is reading it. because it makes me feel just a little less lonely.

i really miss SS. he wouldnt try and brush what i was thinking under a carpet. and dismiss it and act like i wasnt feeling it. he would just try and help me see the other side. i need someone like that. ST pretends it’s not happening. he runs away. and he always thinks that is the best solution. that it makes it easier for everyone, but it doesnt. it makes it SO hard. and i dont know how to stop him from doin

g it.