round and around and around we go

people are such weirdos.

i guess this is another spouty load of crap from me. but i just hate people. and how dense they are. they buy into stuff so quickly. they dont even look at meaning or read between lines. 

yunno why i liked stupid youtube videos? because they are what they are. i dont have to have wit. i dont need to analyse it. it is what it is, and if it makes me laugh, then great. i dont need to be intellectual, and it doesnt make me stupider to enjoy it. some things just make me laugh. and i think sometimes people are searching too hard for a joke.

i just watched a youtube video, from the US i guess about trying to get female voters to support the gay marriage thing…

i get what it’s trying to say…it’s making a joke about how it might not benefit you to not vote for it. but after watching it, i felt kinda weird…

so it was posted on MW’s wall. and shes a wannabe anyway. but she obviously watched it and in her naive need to be accepted thought, and declared "hahahahah, this is awesome, how wonderful for lesbians!". i thought it insulted the intelligence of women. 

not gay women. but women of all kinds. that they felt the need to stoop to a level of "we will steal your boyfriend". what does that say about confidence? what does that say about insecurity of women? they are playing on women’s stupid insecurities to get extra votes?

really girls? is that what it is now? we are promoting insecurity to gain? even if it is juvenile, even if it is improbable and just a joke. it was the principle of the premise that bothered me. 

why use negative to gain a positive? why not use positive to gain a positive?

you are never going to convert the homophobic. you can only educate and change the attitudes of those still learning. i dont mean this to be so political, but even with the struggle black people experienced…racism is racism. people are still racist. you know who helped fight against it? not a whole bunch of converted anti-racists. the people who were already anti-racist. they then changed the minds of the racists.

so gay people trying to change homophobia is pointless, they should be reaching out to those who are not homophobic and asking for their help to change the attitudes of homophobics.

so really, this advert…its only reaching out to the women who are too apathetic to do anything to make a change. not to the women who oppose it. so instead, why not relate to them on a level they can understand that doesnt insult their intelligence? why not ask them to unite with them? why not ask them how they would feel if they were not allowed to marry those they loved? yunno why the spice girls were such a success? cos they had a slogan called "girl power". they werent particularly stunning, intelligent, or amazing at their talent, but they represented the fact that it didnt matter, and we could all be who we wanted to be. and it resonated with everyone. how about trying something like that?

there is already enough negativity in the world. why add to it?

just my opinion. 

 

on a separate note, i lost my virginity a couple weeks ago. strange i didnt write about it straight away. i guess i feel like a grown up. i certainly dont feel any emotional change. happened on march 11th. i guess i dont feel different, or really any emotion about it either because im a robot and devoid of feeling or i was in an environment which didnt evoke any change. i still love ST. he hasnt abandoned me after. i dont trust him less. i cannot be more open with him than i ever have been. i was scared at the time…irrationally at the time. which maybe i shouldnt have been, and maybe he could have been a little more understanding about…but i resolved it, because i didnt want that to be the memory. the memory instead is of us awkwardly laughing, and giggling, and sharing a romantic moment.
of course there are a few kinks. we tried again on sunday with similar effect, but it was less of a struggle. 
i dont like being on top. it feels silly. and i feel like im being watched. and im too conscious. i liked when he was on top. i was close to him. and the angle was kinda perfect…it doesnt take me long. but i think he doesnt like that, because it doesnt last long enough. 
so basically our timing is off. but that will get better. 
i dont feel guilty. i thought i would feel guilty. and gross. and kinda weird about it. but i ask questions. and we talk a little. 
i guess i feel normal. i also thought i would have more of an itch for it. but that only happens just before we get going..
every time is happens ive also been a bit awe-struck that im actually having sex. is that normal? i dont know who to ask. not a lot of my friends have done it. CF has, and i talked about it a little with her. SK was pretty enquisitive..SL…was…disgusted.

SL has shifted a little in the last couple of months. i dont know, i always feel like what i say annoys her. but sometimes its in reference to the wedding. and sometimes she just doesnt get it. she cannot understand why i dont want to invite certain people, just because they’re meant to be "friends" of mine. these so called "friends" who only call/text/message me when they want gossip, or want to talk about themselves, and have no shame in the fact that they are clearly only contacting me for that reason. you know when im bored…i dont just scroll through my phone and wonder who else there is in my life that i can talk to about myself. 

i also feel like i shouldnt really have to pay for these people to pretend to be happy for me, and pretend that they are special enough in my life to be invited to something like that. yes, i know my wedding is big, but that doesnt mean that its intimate. i dont like people knowing my business. and coming to the wedding is a massive window for everyone to stare through. i dont see why everyone should get a chance to look through that window, when they havent been bothered about it ever before. i guess i sound pretty arrogant…but i think i keep myself elusive enough to know that some people are a little fascinated. but i dont thrive on that. i hate it. i just dont like people knowing it about me. i know what happens when you reveal too much, and i hate it. 

people dont know me. the only person who does is ST. i havent even revealed everything about myself to this diary. partly because it could be found, and partly because if i reveal it here, it would make it easier for me to reveal elsewhere. and i cannot and will not open that can of worms. the only person in the world that needs to know is ST, because he is the only person it could ever effect, and he does know. so its fine.

 

but people dont know about my family life. people dont fully know or understand what happened with my sister. people dont really know what im really like as a person. i guess people only know me as someone who is a bit stoic and perhaps cold. i come across decisive, and knowledgable. ST has made me a bit softer i guess, i have no real reason to keep barriers up so much any more. im always told that people are a little scared of me. i dont know what that means. i dont know if that means they feel they need to be on eggshells, or whether that just means they are intimidated. i wish it was more about respect. but i doubt it. im not that girl that everyone can only ever feel happiness for. i guess part of that is because not everyone knows or understands my struggles. so fair enough, that is on me. but the rest of it…i dunno…people just dont warm to me like that. strangers get it. friends dont. weird huh.

i sometimes feel like im in the weirdest time warp. i was never meant to be this age, and this stage, and in this life. i should have been maybe 3-5 years older. but im amongst a group of people younger than me instead. i have found that older generations get me. and see something. but my peers dont. so i come across as something completely foreign instead. 

on my wedding day, i dont think anyone will say how beautiful i look. i dont think anyone will realise how important it is to me, and how my life has been building to this moment, because i never thought i would reach it. so i dont think anyone will be able to be happy enough for me. i dont think anyone will see how much i love ST or how he changed my life. i asked CF and MN to write small speeches to maybe say at the wedding, but i dont really know what they could say. MN is my maid of honour. truly. but timing sucks, and she cant do what she needs to do for me. so there is a massive disconnect. and i think she’s the only person who can really understand it all. she might not have been around as much when i met ST and after..or even just before…but she was there when I had no idea where my life would end. she knows what i went through. and shes seen it all unravel. and she just gets it. she was my home from home during my teenage years. maybe i didnt understand what was happening to me, but im sure she did. and i couldnt imagine my wedding without her, or her family. 

but thats it. no one else. SK almost started crying when i came back from India with all my bride-booty. and it genuinely surprised me. i guess she gets it too. but she wont ever understand the origins of it. 

with SL, there has always been a little tiny barrier. cos shes like me, and she put one up too. which has been fine. but with SL, a tiny part of me can answer a question she cant. if GO and I were in a burning building, she would save GO. she stands to lose more from losing her. i dont fit into her life as much. i know she loves us both, and im not in competition with GO…i just think it explains our relationship. and its not a terrible bad thing. its a natural thing. and i honestly dont care. but i think when i got engaged, and she started working, SL began to detach herself, so it wouldnt be as hard maybe? or maybe because she realised she might have to? or maybe just cos it had to happen at some point. shes letting me go. and maybe im still pretty juvenile. she had to grow up in a way i havent had to yet. and im growing up in a different way. and i guess the 2 events coincided enough that they have clashed. its like with my mum, i always knew there was part of her i never knew, and would never know. and with ST, there is a part of him i dont know, and maybe in time i will get to know, we have our whole lives. but with SL, there is a part to her i dont know any more, and its moving away from me, and theres no reason for me to know, so i will never know. and its not like we’re drifting away, we’re just different people to who we were 7 years ago. and maybe we’re the same. i dunno.