put on your pretty lies

 i guess being out here alone is making me think a lot. or maybe it means im exposing myself to more social media than i am used to just to feel attachment to home. 

i am just in one of those FED up moods. 

i am fed up of having to attend uni every day. i am realising more and more that i hate my career. and that i dont really want to continue with it. or maybe it is just my circumstances that is making me feel this way. but it has become tedious, and i need change. 

i hate change thrust upon me, but i thrive off of change i choose to make. 

i am fed up of this generation. i am fed up of these facebook losers that feel it is necessary to spout about how great life is, yet, they are sitting on an electronic device documenting it. it is SUCH bullshit. and i am fed up!

i am fed up of people trying to be unique and stand out and special. but are doing everything the same as everyone else. 
a friend posts pictures on instagram of a restaurant she visits. i think..hey cool, looks like a good place to eat. only to realise she went there days after some celebrity posted pics of it. OF THE SAME SHIT! 

i am fed up of conforming to what is supposed to be normal. fed up of people telling me that i should do my career this way, live my life that way, look like this person, feel what that person is feeling. NO. 

i am surrounded in a field of people DOING their jobs. cos other people’s lives depend on it. and then i am at a medical school, where my bursary is denied because some shithead cant get his shit together in time to process my application quickly enough. i dont care about paying it. i dont care that it is denied- what bothers me is that it was not in my hands. it was out of my control. now the company blame the university, and the university blames the company. hey, guess what, makes no fucking difference to you people! you still get your paychecks! WHERE IS MINE?!

i am fed up of people spouting their opinions, thinking that it is worth being heard. fed up of people turning everything into a "quote". fed up of people trying to act as though they dont care. what happened to honesty? why do people need some fancy quote ("all butterflies are born caterpillars") to tell them "hey, you used to be pretty ugly, but now you’re not- thank your lucky stars and move on in life!"

and how dare these people judge me? how dare they tell me that i do not appreciate music because i dont download an entire album? how dare they tell me i failed a year of medicine so need continuous monitoring? how dare they tell me i cannot pass because i have not logged enough of their hours. 

people are just too busy documenting all the beauty they see to really appreciate it. 

i know i am a hypocrite. i know i have instagram. i use it for my own outlet. which is why i never really wanted any followers. my self worth is not based on how many likes i get. i sometimes feel like i am a step ahead. i know what looks good. i wish there was a way of editing a picture and not having to post it to a feed. i havent worked out how to without posting it and deleting it. but i like to look at other’s pictures, to see what they have done with their versions of what i have done. and to get, i have to give. 
double standards yes, but i am not trying to make a point, not trying to make a name for myself, not trying to be famous, not trying to seek attention. lord, i would have made this diary public years ago if that was the point. 

just fed up.