pillow talk

one year on, and im still practicing on pillows. im slicker at it. im more at ease with it. but i remember this distinct lack of support from the first time and it scares me.

whats that i hear you say? wheres my boyfriend? sitting in my room watching dragon’s den.

its my fault really, i should never have asked him to help me. how could i expect him to actually help me? and on top of that, i blew it off in the end like it was no real big deal. i told him to move on from it and to carry ON watching dragon’s den.

but what else am i supposed to do?

when for the past month, ive been saying to him “hey ST, yunno i need to practice my examination skills on you”. and hes always just blanked me, or pretended like i didnt say anything or said “yes bub, of course bub”.

and then its now. 2 days before my first exam on examinations. and i beg him. i literally say to him “pleeeeeeeeease let me practice on you, pleeeeeeease i really need to. and itll only take an hour or so. and i just need you to support me, and let me do this. and please i desperately have to so please force me to actually do this”.

and he runs into the room while i go to the loo and put the milk away, which he never bothered to do. and puts on the laptop after i set it all up to examinations, and he turns on the laptop and says “can we watch dragon’s den first?” and i say, no, cos i’ll get tired, and i want to just do these examinations first. and he has the AUDACITY to lie there and say “i’ll tell you what, we’ll just have it on in the background and you can do the examinations and it wont bother you”. thank you. thank you so much for supporting me.

and when i ask him a hundred times to PLEASE remember that im going to ask him to take his top off, because otherwise there is NO fucking point in doing it, i might as well do it on a pillow, and he REFUSES. and i say, PLEASE please please, and he says “what difference does it make”.

and im sitting here in another room now doing it all on pillows.

and when he refused a second time and got in a mood because i asked MY BOYFRIEND to take his top off so that i could practice for an exam on thursday morning, after ive told him and asked him a hundred times, i said, ok. FINE. this isnt going to work. and when he said “what difference does it make” despite the fact that ive told him that i fucking NEED to practice, and he still obstructs me from doing what i NEED to do, WHAT MORE CAN I FUCKING DO? so i said, its fine, you’re obviously not comfortable with it, and i stopped. and he had the CHEEK to say “so what? is that it?”. and i said, its fine, dont worry, lets watch dragon’s den together. or look at properties, because thats what you wanted to do anyway,and dont worry, i’ll just work on this laptop, and you do stuff on the other. and he sat there and said nothing and guilt tripped ME like i had said something horrible, when in actuality, hes feeling FUCKING GUILTY for being such a SHIT boyfriend right now. so i forced him to look at me, and i told him i loved him, and i kissed him and said not to worry about it. i begged him to tell me what the problem was, and to watch dragon’s den, and he said “if you want to watch it, you watch it then”. and i just said nothing. and again asked him what the matter was, and he said “you’re just doing stuff on your computer anyway”. and i said, yeah so?

and yet again, im still sitting in this room practicing on pillows.

and when he proceded to get comfortable in bed, and he gave me that look. that look of “are you sure? you’re not going to get mad at me?” and i looked back him asking what was wrong?

and when started watching the FUCKING laptop when i decided i would try and run through the examination guidelines they sent us, and he had that stupid program on, and i got up and took my laptop and he had the NERVE to say “where are you going?” ready for a fucking fight, and i calmly said, i want to study. i have an exam in 2 days. and i wanted to go through the examinations. and he looked at me like i was acting like a fucking bitch. and i said “is that ok? am i allowed to do that?” and he said “yeah”.

so i got up. and here i am. in the other room. practicing for the HUNDRETH time on FUCKING PILLOWS.

the number of times i listen to him. i pay attention to him. the number of times hes told me off for not supporting him for “buying a house” after i had been going out with him for 3 months, and when he decided that because i was fucking scared of the speed he was racing at i was being unsupportive. the number of times ive stayed up late and looked at pages and gone to property viewings. the number of times ive picked him up from work when hes tired and given him lifts. and helped him paint his room.

and hes too fucking scared to take his fucking top off for me so i can practice some fucking examinations on which im being tested in 2 days.

thanks for the support. thanks for being so wonderful. thanks a lot.

how could i even have expected him to have pulled through this time? how could i have believed him when he said “sure, its fine, i’ll do it”. and the number of people that say to me “at least you have your boyfriend to practice on at home”. and what now? hes too much of a pussy to take his top off in front of me. IVE BEEN GOING OUT WITH HIM FOR 10 MONTHS, and hes seen me completely naked, and ive sucked his fucking cock and gave him a handjob that made him blow his load, and he CANT TAKE HIS TOP OFF FOR AN HOUR TO HELP ME?

so thanks a lot. real supportive. what a man.

and i even waited in here. i even thought, yunno, maybe he’ll get up, and he’ll come in here, and say “hey bub, im sorry for acting like an idiot, ive calmed down and thought about it, and its fine. i know you have your exam. itll only be an hour, lets do this so you can pass really well”. but no. hes still watching fucking dragon’s den.

thanks.

im tired of everybody flaking on me. of cancelling on me. of telling me that they have no time or energy for me. SK does it. and my boyfriend too. every single fucking friends event that i have, i turn up alone, and i get the same questions “wheres ST? i thought he was coming?” and i give the same excuses i used to give for my dad when he wouldnt turn up to shows and assemblies and to pick me up or meet other kids parents “hes just busy at work”.

he told me he’d come w

ith me on friday to RD’s leaving party. im not getting my hopes up.

how many girls can say that they cant rely on their boyfriends? none, cos they usually dump them.