pehla pyar tera mera

we got married.

it was all strange. but in a good way. and even now i cannot move on from it. and there is just so much of it that fills my head and my heart. and it makes me happy…

i don’t even know where to start from.

everything just went so well.

Hen Party 1- was quite possibly the best start to have to it all. a lovely afternoon tea, followed by drinks at the bar, and then a club. and the focus was on me. but not entirely. and it was nice to see everyone after exams. and it just was a wonderful evening.

Hen Party 2 in Ibiza was quite possibly the best trip i have every been on with friends. we had SO much fun. and there were a few moments that i will never forget. like the first night i came into the girl’s room completely unaware of what was happening, and walked in, and they were all wearing pink t-shirts. AMAZING. and then when they got the stripper and i had no idea. double AMAZING. and the final dinner, when the view was spectacular, and everyone was relaxed, and it was just lovely.

Sangeet was so lovely. it felt awkward- i suppose it was the first proper event of the wedding, but was lovely nonetheless. the weather held out for the boat party. music was good, and food was great. i suppose i thought my friends would be more involved in it all. which they weren’t and they kinda sat around and didnt do much. i suppose it made it easier for me to detach from them a little. i care a lot less. and then also looking at pictures- i felt a lot more beautiful than i actually looked. i think i looked terrible.

then the week of build up to the wedding.

graduation happened. i felt numb. wedding stress meant i hadnt thought about it. but seeing ST there, and him being SO so proud of me, it made my week entirely. but i felt so out of the loop, and so out of my own mind. like i was watching myself graduate. i love the pics ST took as well. they all came out really cute.

so then i had my mendhi put on. i think that was the strangest of them all. from my angle, it didnt look like much, and then it was finished, and there was loads of it, and then i saw a picture, and i finally felt bridal. like, i was getting married. i think that is when it really hit me officially. until then it had all felt like someone else’s wedding. but seeing my mendhi confirmed that it was me.

then the haldi. that was pretty awesome. and quite fun. crazy as hell. but i’m glad it happened in full swing.

the new car arrived. i reversed it about a meter, and it got parked away.

then the chura ceremony. i was impressed at how much input my brother actually managed to have. and how little he moaned.

then it was the wedding. which i cannot believe actually happened. having my make up put on was intense. and worrying. and when i actually saw it all in the end….it was bizarre. i remember as a kid looking at older generations getting married, and thinking WOW- she looks so beautiful and bridal..and then it was staring at me in the mirror. and then i put on my outfits, and then the jewellery got piled on, and it just kept getting weirder.

seeing ST out of the window was incredible. even though he wasnt meant to see me. and im so glad that he actually saw me in my window first. no one else saw that he saw me. and no one else knows. then i went and everyone saw me through my sister’s window. but ST had already seen me.

and being snuck downstairs. and throwing a laddoo at him. and the fact that it hit him in the face. which i dont know what it means. but it means something.

but then i was hidden in that room. for i dont know how long. and i sat there. and i knew i was a bride in that moment. that is when i knew that i was officially getting married. and i am so happy that MN was with me in those moments. i put myself briefly in other people’s shoes, and i remember thinking how special a bride must be, and i remember wondering when we would see her, and how special the people that were allowed to see her must be. and it was me. i was that girl.

i waited and waited. we took photos of the family. and i think mum was scared when she saw me. cos she saw what i knew. that her daughter was a bride.

and then i entered with music under a red dupatta carried by my brother and uncle and cousin and family friend. and everyone knew i was coming, cos the music was blaring. and everyone was looking at me. and i couldnt help but smile. and then i saw ST. and i had to smile. i couldnt not smile. and then it started. and we did our 7 rounds around the fire. and i could see everyone looking. and after round 3, i saw my mum weeping. and i wanted to cry too. but i couldnt, cos no girl cries when they are getting married. so i focused on ST. and i tried to keep a happy face, but i knew my mum was crying. because her daughter was getting married. and it was so quick, and i could see things happening around me, but i didnt understand it, and all i knew is that my mum’s heart was breaking.

and then there was stress. stress of having to actually leave. and whilst i was leaving i focused on throwing rice. i didnt think of anything else. i wasnt allowed to look back, and i didnt know what anyone was thinking. and then i got in the car, and i could see MN, and SK, and as the car pulled out, i started weeping too. but no one saw. only ST. and he told me he promised to keep me happy. and i believe him. but i still cried.

and then i got ready for the reception. and ST took me there. and we went to our room. and i just felt stressed. not even nervous. just, uneasy.

we had our entrance. and we cut our cake. and we ate. we had the speeches. some melodramatic nonsense my sister had written for my dad, some jokes from ST’s brother. CF said a few words, and MN cried during hers.

then we had our first dance. and that started the rest of the dances. and we danced until 1am. and then we went to the room and we spent 1 hour taking my hair out. and we ate leftover starters. and opened some cards and presents. and we slept.

then i stepped over the threshold with him the next morning. my brother came and got me. and ST took me back.

honeymoon was pretty amazing. we were still pretty buzzed on post-wedding highs. we did nothing for a week. we ate a lot. and slept well.

and now i am moving back into the place i have been living in for 6 years. and it is hard.

i miss my mum a lot. and i know she misses me. but it suddenly feels like there is a wall. and ST always says to me that i can do what i want, and see her when i like…but there is something i know, and he doesnt realise i know, but i know it bothers him. i know he wants me to completely embrace his life, whilst letting go of my own. and he wont admit it. but i know. mum asked me to come stay with her tonight for some religious ceremonies in the morning. i didnt even ask ST, because i knew it would be no. there is just a small disconnect in what he thinks should be my duty to him, and doing the same for me.

 

my sister was a mega-bitch of course. one example (i dont think i need to make any more) when we were taking bride photos just before the wedding, she told me to suck in my stomach. i have no duty to her any more. she is essentially dead to me.

her and her bullshit, and her pathological nonsense. she can take it, shove it, and shit it and eat it. i really do not care. she didnt help during the wedding at all. she essentially acted like a spoilt little brat and ruined the atmosphere with her presence. i dont even plan to be civil any more. i dont need people like that in my life, and i wont have them.

 

i am married. i am happy. i sometimes have to remind ST that we are married now, so he cant act childishly like he used to any more. and so far our time has been filled up with moving i guess.