not my turn.

today we have dealt with problems the ST way.

i feel rotten.

ive been in a mood all day. im not sure why. but i think its because im beginning to feel like hes remembered how to take me for granted.

tonight i just kept thinking, is this how its going to be when we get married? when i start working?

 

we never really addressed any issues today. i tried to. he ignored it. i tried to ignore it and move on. but it hasnt stopped me from being moody. and instead of actively actually asking me, “PM, bubby, whats wrong, whats the matter today, why are you so upset?”, hes chosen to ignore it because hes tired.

this isnt the last major project he will get. and if he wants to earn money, he needs to get used to it. he needs to stop bitching about being tired, and working damn hard, and actually just get on with it. if it was really hard work that he enjoyed doing and chose to do, then he wouldnt moan and use it as an excuse.

i know that sounds harsh. let me explain.

medicine. my medicine. the career ive chosen. its hard. i know its hard. i know the uni i go to doesnt help. ive dug myself a hole and im fighting to fill it. but i KNOW that. and i know theres so much more hardness to come. i dont complain about the course. i dont complain about the work they give us. i dont complain about hard it is. cos i signed up for it. i know what to expect. i dont complain about how much work i have to do. i dont use it as an excuse.

medicine is the hardest occupation to do. people dont realise it. or like to think it as difficult. because supposedly you have to be a “brainbox” to do it. and if you’re already one of those, then it cant be hard. its “only difficult because its for clever people”. its like trying to explain how to use a teething ring to a baby who cant support its own head. its inapplicable and an inappropriate measure.

you hear people comparing it to manual labour. to driving. to working 24 hour shifts.

that is bullshit.

i get it, it sounds elitist and rude of me to say this. but youd only ever get it if you were a medic yourself.

imagine doing all that. manual labour job + over 9-5 hours a day + technical coordination. now add in the speed at which you do it.

getting harder yet?

now add in the actual moral pressure your under to help people.

tough enough yet?

add in the ethical valuations you have to make every day.

does it still compare?

also add in, the emotional, physical, and mental stress it can put on you. seeing death, having the responsibility of someones health and life.

dont forget the peer pressure and pressure to live up to the standards of those above you.

put in the mindless paperwork your forced to do.

finally. mix it all up with a a mediocre wage until your 40 years old. and when i say mediocre, i mean less than it should be. ie- on top of all the shit you go through, you get paid nothing.

and ps- if you make a tiny fuck up, some shitwank is gonna sue you for the little you have so he can get a few weeks off work.

 

now tell me medicine is comparable. now tell me you have to deal with all that in your job.

 

but hey, i know what im in for. i know what ive signed up for. and honestly, i cant wait.

but then i think about the number of fights ive had with ST because “once i feel sleepy, i dont give a shit about anyone or anything. i am selfish”.
so how many years am i meant to put up with it?

what about when im sleepy? what about when ive been pumping someones heart and lungs for 3 hours. and come home. and have to cook and clean for him. and he comes home telling me hes tired, hes sleepy, hes gonna be selfish. when do we talk? when do we share any comfort in each other? when can i feel relaxed and happy?

right now, im on holidays. i do JACKSHIT all day. i know that. i know theres a lot of work hes doing. but if right now, he cant handle this much work without being selfish. if right now, he HAS to be selfish and go to sleep as and when he pleases without taking anyone else into consideration…what about when i come home at 3am in the morning? what about when we have kids and they want their dad?

why. and i mean WHY, do i have to make all these changes to who i am and how i react to everything…for OUR future supposedly…when he cant make that ONE change…that just for 5 minutes…he lets us talk a little before we sleep…he lets me ask a few questions..he doesnt just turn on his front face away and tell me hes comfy that way and thats that. ONE change. not immediately. a slow change. gradually work for it. gradually work me into his schedule. his life. his sleep.

 

i start in september. its gonna 9-5 again. its gonna be really stressful. he already shuts off if i mention ANYTHING vaguely intellectual.

what am i supposed to do?

i cant help but feel im giving it all to him so easy. and its funny, he keeps telling me im a child, and i havent experienced life, and i dont look at the bigger picture. hes so obsessed with this notion that the important thing is whether my dad agrees to us or not. what is my dad supposed to agree to? why is he SO childish about this? doesnt he understand, that once we’re married, we wont just be seeing each other 3 times a week. we’ll be together constantly? doesnt he realise that im not going to have the time or energy to dote on him like i do?

why is he taking all this in his stride like im the one that has to adjust? WHY THE FUCK ISNT HE ADJUSTING?

and this thing keeps niggling at the back of my head. this tiny little thing. hes too stubborn to adjust. when i was revising for exams in january, i needed him to leave me alone. to not call me 3 times a day. HE DIDNT FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. and when i had my dissertation and mum and dad were pre-empting divorce, HE HAD A MASSIVE FIGHT WITH ME.

why do i have to make the changes? why is it so necessary for me to constantly change my behaviour? when is he going to understand that he cant take me for granted. that

he cant take all this for granted. that life is NOT as easy as it is right now?

he thinks this is difficult?

its going to get so much harder. and if he wants to keep brushing it away and not confronting it, then hes going to have to change his attitude.

 

i think next time he brings up how difficult work is and stuff, im going to have to give him a reality check. this is just a puddle compared to the sea of life ahead.