Like a bee you fill hundreds of homes with honey

from everything going too fast, its all slowed down too much. almost to a stop.

i have an exam in a week i have done no revision on.

fuck.

i need to start some revision, at least have an idea of what the exam is on. thats what i can do tonight, look over past questions, get an idea of what they want and tomorrow i can start revising.

everything last week was picking up too much pace. everything going on at home, everything at uni, everything with ST. and now its all kinda melted into nothing. but its not nothing, its still all there.

i dont really know whats with me today. nothing i suppose, im probably just being immensely lazy. im starting to feel this NEED to do something, need to get out of the house, out of my bed, but i have no idea where to go, and the motivation is lacking. my body has slowed down but time hasnt.

 

needless to say the last month has been eventful.

i handed in the dissertation. i kept getting asked this question “were you happy with it in the end?”…the more i think about it, the less happy with it i am. had i had an extra week, had i had the extra couple of days, i could have really filled out the introduction. really made something out of the discussion…but, would i have left myself the week? i daresay i probably would have abandoned the extra week. got myself in the same mess. yes, i was having problems, yes the fights with ST didnt help, and yes my laptop broke down too often. but if i had the extra week, would it really have made the difference? would i have used it?

either way, i cant really think about it at the moment, i have to think about this exam next week. Ive been called for jury duty on monday, annoyingly the day before my exam. and i cant pull out without a good reason. so i effectively have less than a week to smash this revision out. WHAT is wrong with me? how do i get the motivation?

its like exercise. my mind has become like my belly. i want to feed it. i want to make it healthy and happy. but alas, i am not motivated to do the best for it. i know that if i study, if i pass the exams well, i know it will make me feel so much better. but i am self-damaging. apathy takes over my desire to look good. i need to push myself. i need to do this.

i think its time i drew up a calendar. put in dates. put in tasks for every day. made myself notice it every day. made myself cross things off every day. i have a month to lose weight before holiday. 3 weeks to finish the year off and get a grade that isnt “NOT FAIL”. 2 weeks till my viva. 1 till my birthday. and 6 days till my last exam of this year.

if i can do this. if this month works out, i know i can push myself for september. i know that year 3 will be the year i bring myself back. no more fooling around. i gotta start gyming, i gotta start studying, i gotta get going.

 

saturday night was my party. it was ok. kinda blurry. a mix of people i love that dont know each other and alcohol.

it was kinda weird. i sort of dont remember experiencing it. its all kinda disappeared and forgotten. i think i had a good night. ST made food. i think hes pretty much in there with my mates. other than that, nothing really happened. we played articulate, that was fun. once the alcohol got going and music was playing, everyone sort of relaxed and stopped worrying about everyone they didnt know.

i looked good too.

 

this bank holiday weekend has been kinda like a dream. once my project was handed in on friday i drove to dads work place, picked up some money, sorted my facial hair situation out, and drove to pick up ST. he stayed over. hot and heavy night 1.

we relaxed into saturday morning. messed around a little. i did my facemask and we tidied the flat up. eventually we got up got ready and went out to get him a shirt and articulate and some minor groceries.

saturday night was the party. HBL, VSM and MR stayed over. eventually after they left, on sunday, ST and i got up again and went out to get my new mac. its kinda cool. i like the sound the buttons make while i type. and i like that the keyboard lights up. and i like the LCD screen. i dont like having to congifure a totally new system. and i dont like that i dont know how to use it properly yet. i’ll get there though.

he wasnt meant to stay over. but he did. the vibe was kinda weird at first, im not sure what it was. he was really quiet. no reason in particular, just that hes used to being quiet on a sunday. not used to me being around. part of me thinks he was a little bothered with me. eventually it all settled out. sunday night was hot and heavy night 2.

monday morning was hot and heavy as well. i dont know what was up with us. it was like we were making up for the lost time during my infection. (which still hasnt cleared up yet but i think im used to it. i really have to see a GP). we spent the morning together. completely wrapped up in each other. completely…in love. we had a pretty hot and heavy afternoon too.

eventually he had to go. so we got ready and left, and went to the cinema. finally i dropped him home.

and came back here. alone.

 

i dont consider here home. i dont consider this place anything. i dont link attachment to this place. i dont feel comfort. this flat is a vessel for me to live in. it makes me wince inside when people tell me its amazing.

im lonely. and i fucking miss ST. this weekend was awesome. even he said it himself. he also told me he loved me so much cos i made him laugh. i am the funniest person he knows.

today he text me mid-joke just saying “the love i have for you is so great, i could bring you the stars and the moon”…which was loosely translated from what he actually sent me. but i knew what he meant.

i dont know what possesses him to love me so much. sometimes i wish he wouldnt. sometimes i assume he cant. sometimes it baffles me. sometimes it sweeps me off my feet. sometimes its unexpected. sometimes i wish i could believe it.

other times i just miss him.

i like it most when hes snuggling up to me. i like it most when i feel his arm around my waist and i settle my hips against his and feel his lips on the back of my neck. thats when i feel smallest. thats when i feel like i t

otally belong to him. thats when i want the whole world to stop and time to stand still just so that i can feel the skin of his arm between my strands of hair and feel encased in his love. so that our bodies can dwell on each other and learn from each other and grow to each other and become entwined. so that i can thank god for making me so happy and for reminding me why i was put on this earth…because i fit so perfectly against him. so i can drift into a deep sleep and never wake and spend eternity with him. a world outside of technology and people and weather and disaster and death. a world where its just me and him.

just me and bubble.