let me reimburse your hurt

i understand if you dont want to see me again. “why?” because im selfish.

he never responded. he never said “no your not, and i still love you”. he just stared at me while i wept. and looked away. and told me he had to go cos he was getting late for work. he did the same old routine. he called me bub, he walked me out of the room, he said bye sweetly. even kissed me a couple times. but this time i was crying. weeping for my soul. i broke down into a mess after he walked out the door and it closed behind him. sat in the corridor crying. i wanted him to come back and say “bubby whats wrong, please stop crying. it doesnt matter any more, im fine.”

but he didnt. and hes gone. and im alone now and late for uni. and dont want to go in but i have to. i dont want to talk to anyone.

my chest hurts. like its in perpetual tension all over.

im sorry my bubby.

when he said goodbye i couldnt help but wonder if it was forever.

i dont think im going to see him again.

im so scared its over.

i fucked up. i fucked up majorly.

he cried this morning. i made him cry. i made him so frustrated he cried. and i know he hates every inch of me for it. for making him cry in front of me.

i dont know how to not need him when he needs me more. i dont know how to be there for him without giving him all the love i can. but thats not what he needs. he needs me to detach. to pat him to sleep and leave so he can fidget without worrying about how abandoned and helpless i felt. he needs me to not kiss him cos it hurts. he needs me to just leave him alone.

im feeling pretty shit myself at the moment. im on my period for the second time in this month. and i just need someone to hug me. to tell me it will be ok. that they are there for me. i needed him to cuddle me last night. i needed him to take me into his arms or at least accept me in his slumber.

he did neither. he was restless. and kept pushing me away. literally till i almost fell out. i had begun by asking him sweetly if he could just move over a little. but the end of the night i was fed up and cold and lonely. like the carrot out of reach for the donkey. what i wanted was all there in front of me. a mass of man who i love desperately. only i couldnt have it. nor could i help him relax. he wouldnt let me be with him. he wouldnt let me hold him.

so this morning in bed when he refused to kiss me. when he leapt out of bed as quickly as he could. when he didnt come to hug me. and ran away to gel his hair when i walked into the kitchen. it reinforced how i was feeling throughout the night. alone. only a second away from the cure.

but hes in pain. severe pain. and i was selfish. he never denied it.

im selfish.

and now i will never be me again. now i feel indebted. like i should score my leg in reverence of what i have done. cut myself for the hurt i caused him, not the hurt im feeling. punishment. sacrifice.

while he sat in front of me crying, i thought to myself, how can i make it up to him. how can i prove how sorry i am. and the first thing that came to mind was “cut urself”. is that attention seeking or escape? i have to find a way of punishing myself for what i have done. i need him to forgive me.

i need him.