laddered tights and snake bites

its about 2am in the morning and there are way too many things bouncing around in my head. there has been for days. and yet whenever i come here, something stops me from pouring my soul out. the tediousness of having to rehash events. of having to write it all down. only i kno wi should. because once i do, i will feel free. and i will be able to sleep. and wake up in the morning and actually do some work. maybe even write up my coursework which is due on monday.

this week has been rough. well the past few weeks have. and its all beginning to make me wonder about my mental health.

valentines day was amazing. we went to see hairspray in theatre. he’s never been to the theatre before, so i took him. i preferred the movie, but the musical numbers were way better live.
we met at the station, he appeared out of nowhere in that sexy pinstripe suit with 2 long stemmed flowers in his hand. he bought me a rose and a couple long stemmed large bloomed flowers. (cos he knows i love them). we walked a while to the theatre hand in hand. i hadnt seen him for days. he told me i looked beautiful. i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

after the play, we took the tube to get to dinner. by this point my feet were hurting. i gave him the card i made him, he loved it. finally we arrived at the restaurant. this cute classy italian place tucked away in the corner. it was beautiful. we ate. AMAZING food. like seriously amazing. it was like the perfect italian meal. we had a couple of glasses of champagne. i got pretty tipsy towards the end of the main course. he bought me a present, even though i begged him not to. but its cute, and i love it, and its only small, albeit expensive no doubt. he bought me a little gold butterfly charm from tiffany’s. its sooo cute. i want to find a chain i can put it on so i can wear it. i love things with meaning. i like to think it represents the butterflies i got when he first held my hand.

we eventually made it back home after a minor disagreement about which cab company to get. (i totally won lol).

once we got home, we got into bed, he made me cum as per usual. and it was good. we fell asleep and he sadly left the next morning.

monday night i got a little annoyed at him when he fell asleep while talking to me on the phone. it wasnt so much that he fell asleep, but that i was tired. been a little ill. got back ache. and i wanted to fall asleep first for once. i started feeling a little…like it was assumed i would just always put him to bed. a little peeved, i sent him a text telling him so.

the next morning, i wondered why i even sent the text, and if i should. i went to uni, feeling even more ill than i have been, and generally feeling tense and low. i didnt hear from him. not a peep. i texted him to find out if he was receiving messages. it never went through. so i called a couple times. voicemail.

odd i thought…but he had mentioned recently that he didnt get much reception in his office these days.

i left at about 4. it started chucking rain down. a pre-emptive pathetic fallacy which described my mood, and apparantly his.

i got home at about 6. exhausted. physically, mentally, just completely drained. he called. i spoke to him as normally as i could. partly of shame of the text i sent last night, not really wanting to talk about it, but knowing i had to, partly because i was so knackered. he kept asking me what was wrong. why i was so quiet. why i wasnt talking much. he asked me if i was mad he hadnt called or texted all day. he began apologising. i didnt care about that though, i just didnt know what to say. i wanted a hug. a massive hug. and to eat raspberry pancakes. and to just feel safe.

he told me he had left his phone at a friends place last night…i was confused…i spoke to him last night? then he explained he meant that this morning he went to his friends place, forgot his phone, and only got it back after lunch. odd..he never mentioned he would be going to his friends place in the morning. that made me sad. that he wasnt telling me stuff. not because i like to keep dibs on him, but because i like hearing about his day, i like hearing what hes got planned. i just like talking to him.

i didnt say anything more, i just sort of kept trying to piece together my sentence trying to work out what to say about the text i really shouldnt have sent him last night. and then the added feeling that maybe the text was right…that he doesnt tell me stuff…that he does perhaps take me for granted. i started to cry a little. quietly.

he then started to say something. something that flipped my head round. “im sorry bubby, i dont know why i lied, i didnt leave my phone at G’s place, i turned it off all day :)”. i couldnt fathom why on earth he felt he had to lie to me. it made me feel ill. it made me wonder what else he had lied about. of course it all escalated. i shouted a little. and begged him to never lie to me again. it was pointless. and there was no need for it. but he got defensive. and his pride got in the way of us. and instead of seeing it from my point of view, he carried on being mad. he turned off his phone again. i couldnt get through to him. and i got scared. he sent me a message basically explaining he didnt like the message i sent him last night.

he was meant to be coming over, but he told me he didnt want to come over because of the fight, and me being too heartbroken, and i let him hang up on me. i burst into tears. i tried to call him back several times, but it wouldnt go through. he turned off his phone completely. i let him a voicemail begging him to pick up the phone through my tears. i had this urge, this massive sick feeling inside me that made me want to rip my tights off and scar my skin.

there it was. it was back. the depression. slowly seeping its poison back into my soul. it was massively back. this fear of being alone. i needed him. badly. and everytime i called and heard his voicemail telling me he was unavailable, my heart broke a little. i kept feeling the urge. i tried talking to my mums helper about it, i tried to calm myself down in the meanwhile. i tried to keep myself calm while he was doing the same. what made me hurt most? the fact that it felt like he was giving up on us. he didnt want to come over to sort it out. he just wanted to leave it to bubble and concentrate. but i couldnt let it. and i did something crazy. something that made me think “heres were the genetics comes in”. i grabbed my car keys and drove. i drove to his house. hoping and wishing that he would eventually pick up the phone, and if not, i would have to go knock on the door. just as i pulled up, he picked up. i told him i was outside his house. he was at his friends place. i drove there. he came and sat with me in the car. we hugged. we kissed. we talked it out. and suddenly the world was safe again. he got scared,

and didnt know how to face me. he didnt know how to hold face in front of me.

he came back with me that night. we slept in each others arms. i felt so comforted.

but since then. my mood, it swings. since the last couple of weeks, ive been so up and down, and im not sure whats causing it. why its happening. theres something inside me lurking. i still have dreams fighting with my sister. i have been staying at home for too long for virtually no reason, ive started to lack the energy it takes for me to drive all the way to uni and back. im not sure what it is. im trying to give up moping around. im finding ways to better my time. i ought to go to uni tomorrow, but its somehow 4am. if i were to go in tomorrow, it would be on 3 hours sleep. im beginning to get that feeling, that panic that theres not enough time in the world. and i sometimes wonder if all this is because i have coursework due on monday? once its out of the way, i will feel better right? calmer? peaceful?

dIA texted me. something along the lines of “i know you dont want to hear from me, but i was thinking of you, and just wanted to know how you are”. it made me laugh. he sent it on tuesday while i was mid-making up with ST.
SsM turned out to be the mystery caller/texter from over the christmas holidays.
these boys. these childish wannabe grownup boys. that act all tough and like they know what theyre doing but just want to play games. they show no remorse for their behaviour, they dont learn lessons from their hurt, they only carry on as if nothing is wrong. i told SsM to fuck off and never talk to me. it made no sense, after 6 months, to contact me out of the blue like that. i havent replied to dIA yet. i dont think i will. i doubt i will hear from him again. it would be easy for me to tell him im in a relationship, in love, and happy. but whats the point? texting him will only encourage him to reply. texting him will only make him think hes the one letting me go.

ive realised something about people. people who think theyre good people. no not think, but act as if they know. ive often wondered what it is thats so wrong about these people that know themselves to be a good person. and i finally managed to put my finger on it.

i dont think of myself as a good person. its not good that i think that way, but it is the way i think. even if i am a good person, i will always strive to be a better person than i already am. people like my sister, AM, NG….they all preach about how they do good in their lives. how they are always there to help others. how they want to be everyones knight in shining armour. but by admitting you have achieved the goal, how can you continue to be a better person? i suppose its like a point winning game. once you beat ur high score, you want to keep beating it. its never enough getting that high score, knowing i can get higher. but what if i used a cheat book and made it to the top. what would be the point in playing any more if i reached the top?

and i suppose thats why they say life is a game. and why i dont trust people that say they are good. a good person will never know they are good. its innate. its something where they know no different. like ST when he treated me right on our first date. he didnt know any other way of being with me. it was natural. its inherent chivalry and goodness from within.

im tired. its all i can think to write this evening. maybe more tomorrow.

step by step the ebbing
tides of literature will flow from within
in attempt to help free the mind.
its ok my child, dont be afraid,
im here with you. i will hold your hand.