just let it go.

and just like that, just a year later.

why did i put that damn red skirt on?

ive been clearing my closet for september. getting rid of the clothes i will never wear to make room for the clothes i cant wait to wear. i tried on everything i could.

ive put on weight. masses of it. and i hate it. but strangely part of me kinda likes it. i dont know why. maybe because it gives me an excuse to buy new clothes? maybe it gives me an excuse for motivation? i dunno. maybe i just like doing nothing.

and i tried on that red skirt. that red skirt that last year made me look…well…kinda hot. the comfy one, that i would team up with a white shirt and black top and tights. the one that would POP. that would stand me out in a crowd. the one that when i wore it, i FELT professional. i FELT like i ought to learn. i FELT like i had to be an awesome student.

i tried it on. of course it doesnt really fit over my stomach comfortably. not without making me look like i have 5 stomachs as opposed to the natural 2 i have. and in the background i hear a funny DINGDONG.

i thought i had a text message. and in my head…for some bizarre reason..i had this vision of a text from my sister or AM…a text i didnt want to have to see.

there was no text. where did that sound come from? i looked at my email inbox, and lo-and-behold a little email from none other than SSM.

 

whatthefuck.

 

im going through minature mind vaults at the moment given that it was around this time last year i was at my lowest. its causing me to reassess. and reassess means having to think back. and i dont like it. so i wont lie, i have been thinking about all of those people from way back then a lot. ie- SSM. RBk…all of those people i should never have disclosed anything to…and only did because i was desperate to find some sort of connection to someone somewhere. even if it was only briefly “sexual”. just someone who i could feel close to.

im ashamed to say i wondered if it would all have been easier to drop everything and everyone and moved to canada. the thought was sparked by the fact that leaving everyone and running away would have been so much easier than trying to find a middle ground and having to stay close to it all. integrating ST into my family life will not be easy. i pray to god it will be, but i dont think it will.
but wouldnt it have been so much easier? wouldnt it have just been better to do the worst possible and run away with someone they didnt approve of, rather than stick around and fight it out, when i know its going to potentially result in the same way? if you’re going to be bad, why not be REALLY bad…right?

wrong. TOTALLY totally TOOOTALLY wrong. i LOVE ST. and the thought of having done something like that…it makes me feel physically ill. its easier to be a coward than to be brave. but ST is someone worth fighting for. he is WORTH the struggle. and i never would have made that struggle for anyone else.

where would i have been now if i had never met him? still talking to RBk probably, possibly still enthralled by him whilst still trying to find ST. and jumping to SSM’s email:

Hey PM,
I hope your well…i’m sure your thinkin wtf am i doing getting in touch but i wanted to see how you were…i go through [my part of town] station every week now and i always think your living up above the station or close by…
i’m ok…would be good to hear from you…but understand if you dont want to…
SSM.

 

i repeat.

WHAT

THE

FUCK.

i cant however say im surprised.i replied. out of courtesy. and to finally make my peace with it.
i made my peace with RBk when he wrote to me a day before my birthday.
and now i have made my peace with SSM:

Dear SSM.
honestly, i was expecting it. dont ask me why, i just had a feeling you would at some point. im not exactly thrilled you proved me correct.
i met my boyfriend in november, we’re very happy, and im writing this email to inform you that i am fine, if only because you know about part of what i was going through last year.
please do not reply. i have no interest in continuing any kind of friendship with you, and if you choose to ignore my request, then so be it, i will be deleting any messages from you in the future, including this one, as i have with any emails from last year.
i do not live above the station but i do hope you enjoy the facilities that the station, and [my part of town], has to offer.
i hope everything is well with your family and life.
goodbye.

 

i am in control. i have nipped it in the bud. i have regained my composure, dignity, and strength.
and i deleted all his messages. i deleted all the ones i sent. and now, if he replies, which he probably wont, but if he does, i have absolutely no desire to even read it. im smiling.

i told ST that some guy from last year emailed. i told him i deleted the email.

i hate having these “secrets” from him. but i know he doesnt want to know. so i tell him as much as i can without disclosing anything that i know he doesnt want to know. ie- i keep the stuff hes asked me to not tell him quiet. but i tell him enough that i dont feel guilty and like im keeping things from him. he knows an idiot emailed me. he knows i deleted the email. he knows hes someone from last year, the past. he knows i love him now. he doesnt want to know who he was to me and what his relationship with me was. and ive kept it that way.

every day i remember how much ST loves me, every day i grow closer to moving on from the past.

goodnight ugly
past. goodnight almost
forever.
you can barely hold me
in your grasp
no more.
fireflies kiss my eyes as i dream
and dream happiness
from within
my core.

 

ps. my phone was on silent.